I could’ve been hitting the campaign trail months ago. Wes Welker would’ve been stumping for me. I wouldn’t have lost a single white vote. Even better, unlike that fogey McCain, I’m actually in favor of spying on folks.

Okay, okay, looks like Mexico Juan got the jump on me in ballin’ outside the vows of marriage, but, hey, I didn’t deny it. That’s accountability, people.

And as you saw from the Super Bowl, I’m in favor of pulling out before the job is done in Iraq. Provided we’re still losing, of course. Sounds like the surge is going okay though, so we might stick around for a bit.

You know what the Supreme Court could use more of? Old white linebackers. I think Chris Spielman is worth a look, don’t you? His originalist views on the Constitution really appeal to me, as does his white skin. Coach him up, Scalia!

So, in closing, vote for me or Robert Kraft will sell the country to the Russians. Fuck you, and God bless mumblemumblemumblemumblemumble