Suzy, no one would blame you if you had a crummy Valentine’s Day. You have to be feeling down in the dumps right now. Here you are with a shortie on the way and ESPN is kicking you unceremoniously to the curb. We think that is a total load of bull flop. You should hire that guy from Boston Legal and sue their asses good. He’ll show them that you can’t push Suzy around and get away with it.

But we don’t want to cure your legal woes; we want to mend your broken heart. We can come over and fix you a nice dinner. (We have a kickass spaghetti recipe.) Fudgie the Whale for dessert. Then it’s Backrub City and Grey’s Anatomy!

People say we’re crazy. They say Suzy hates the dick, and we’re just wasting our time. Well Suzy, we’re cool with your life-choices. In fact, if asked, we would be willing to pretend to be Jodie Foster or k.d. lang.

Happy Valentines Day Suzy, if you ever, EVER change your mind– give us a call. We’ll be waiting by the phone.