Fictional Cheerleader Biography: Laura
Laura joined the Jills after a couple of stints in rehab helped her kick a nasty morphine habit. It all started back in high school when the young cheerleader tried to gain favor with the football team by offering her body up for a gangbang. Sadly the petite youngster’s body was overmatched, and she was on the receiving end of the full log-splitter treatment. After a handful of surgeries to repair her pelvis and few months in the hospital she was ready to return home, now equipped with a raging drug addiction, sore labia, and enough self-loathing to make an anorexic chick seem prideful.
After a few years the scars healed and the addiction was downgraded to “recreational habit.” Once Laura joined on with the Jills even the self-loathing began to subside. Now the cheerleader is a productive member of society once again, and she’s looking to improve her self-worth further by bagging a pro football player. But what finely tuned athlete would want any part of those damaged goods? The answer came in the form of a punter, Brian Moorman to be specific. They clicked immediately after meeting at a rally for Ron Paul and things progressed from there. The two are expecting twins this summer and doctors expect them to fly through the birth canal with the ease of two bullets speeding through an empty hallway.
Of course none of this is actually true.
Image via Professional Cheerleader Blog
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Tags: fiction, moormans, The Friday Cheerleader Posts, Unsilent Majority
February 29th, 2008 at 4:10 pm
see also loves Beef on Wek.
February 29th, 2008 at 4:12 pm
She was tempted to switch doctors when they used that bullet-hallway simile, but OB/GYNs are so hard to find nowadays.
February 29th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
What a dirty filthy whore in that picture! Willing to do anything for money or a quick fix. Joining a team just to help with your abysmal self esteem. Being the center of numerous gang bangs in the locker room after games. Just disgusting.
And then there’s Laura……
February 29th, 2008 at 4:20 pm
I know them both… intimately.
Brian’s wife is hotter. Much hotter. Like top 5 women I’ve ever met in my life hot.
February 29th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
psssh, chris cooley is not impressed
February 29th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Ron Paul, Closed hand hug, uncomfortable smiles, bald dude in a douchebag shirt and man face cheerleader…
Something about this just says, herpes.
February 29th, 2008 at 4:29 pm
Once Laura joined on with the Jills even the self-loathing began to subside.
Thurman Thomas does NOT approve of this reference.
February 29th, 2008 at 4:40 pm
twoeightnine
Intimately? Top 5? How about pictures?
February 29th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I’m sure she’s a nice girl.
February 29th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
She learned to solve her problems watching a squirrel store up nuts for the winter.
February 29th, 2008 at 5:13 pm
The fictional cheerleader biography isn’t true? What the shit?
February 29th, 2008 at 6:04 pm
I have a couple on one of my hard drives somewhere, I did photography and graphic design work for Brian’s foundation last season. She’s probably the hottest NFL wife outside of any that are big time models.
February 29th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
Wow. That might be the most depressing one yet. Kudos?
February 29th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
I was happy for her turnaround until the Ron Paul thing was mentioned. Maybe she can buy a vagi-plasty with all of that tax money she won’t be paying.
February 29th, 2008 at 11:50 pm
As soon as as I saw Moorman, I thought, man I hope he don’t piss off 289.
March 1st, 2008 at 2:55 am
Okay, it’s way too early in the offseason to have a fantasy fruit draft (you didn’t include Brady Quinn? He’s gonna be pissed). Can’t you guys make up a whole football season with results and crazy storylines and whatnot to get us through this dark, treacherous and horribly boring time? Seven years of college down the drain, I might as well join the fucking Peace Corps.
March 1st, 2008 at 3:29 am
This is a good one, but Erin from Indianapolis is still my fave.
March 1st, 2008 at 4:37 am
When did Matt Holliday start supporting Ron Paul? Oh, and yes, no. (The yes with 2 condoms.)
March 1st, 2008 at 8:31 am
I’d appreciate if you would refrain from using my photos in your attempts at sick humor
March 1st, 2008 at 11:14 am
Moorman is the man. A punter that’s also an athlete? That’s unpossible. And everyone in Western New York is an alkie, not a druggie.
March 1st, 2008 at 8:26 pm
@jammq
I’m sure she’s a lovely meat puppet.
March 3rd, 2008 at 10:08 am
hell yeah, Moorman! and hows about a free agency round-up post this week sometime. i’m jonesing for some real nfl news type piece filtered heavily through dick jokes and gay dick jokes.
March 3rd, 2008 at 10:40 am
Midway through their first coitus, Sean Taylor’s corpse busted through the wall kool-aid man style and laid a vicious hit on Moorman. The man just can’t win.