Alright ladies, let’s bring it in. Bring it in tight. I’m only gonna say this one time. We’d better have a good family break this week, so be prepared. This ain’t no picnic. Well, Saturday at the park actually is a picnic, but the rest of it is not! I want clean rooms, clean children, and no burnt suppers. I can get any rookie in her to burn supper for one-tenth of what we’re paying you.
I want a clean family this week. If you think we’re gonna have a repeat of Christmas this week, the fucking lot of you are in for a rude goddamn awakening. Meagan, if you bring home any more baseball players, I’ll sit you this entire week out in the guest room without a second thought. Clean family means soap, you fuckers. Better scrub that shit down good, you get 10 minutes and that’s it. I’d better have some goddamn hot water this week or all of you will suffer. And I want PRODUCTIVE showers, too, not a Jerome Bettis shower where you dance in the water and shake hands with the soap. Get it done in there. I want hair, pits, arms, titties, legs, and don’t forget the red zone downstairs, which had still better be dick-free. I’m looking at you, Meagan.
[Juts out chin]
We have a short week together, so you better have a system for what you’re doing out there. Your mother has been working hard with the staff while you’ve been gone to get everything ready for this week, so get your craniums out of your anuses and pay attention! We have a lot to accomplish this week: the zoo, dinner at P. F. Changs with Hines, and then the big one with the Youngs on Saturday night. No fucking around this week, we have to get out there and execute!
[Cell phone rings]
This is Bill…Hello Mr. Snyder, good to hear from you again…Well, unless every news report in America is wrong, don’t you already have a coach?…Sure, but shouldn’t he at least coach one game before you buy his contract out?…Right, right. If I may, I’ll be a bit more frank than I was three weeks ago: Suck my asshair through a straw, the answer’s still no.
[Hangs up, punches hole through drywall]
That’s right, I’m not neglecting my family again until I’m goddamn good and ready. Now get out there and let’s have a good break this week. You’re dismissed.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.