Welcome to the WILDCARD edition of Always Be Covering! I got lucky last week when I was unable to get my bet down on New England. The result? 3-0 in the remaining straight up bets and a surprising win on a 3-team teaser. Damn, Week 17 rules. Oh well, we’re on to the playoffs now and this is where shit gets tight like underage vagina.

The Maj is young, Jewish, and fabulous.

As if you couldn’t tell after two years of the MOST guaranteed football picks on the planet, I am a fucking (non-Germanic) wunderkind. And I’m not just about identifying winners in practically HALF of the games I pick, it also extends into the world of fantasy. You may remember a certain Big Daddy briefly mentioning his abject failure in the finals of the Yahoo!!! Blogxperts league, but what’s really important was that it was I that kicked his big old hairy ass. It wasn’t just a victory for me, but for all of the other beautiful youngsters out there. So feel free to join me in a quick celebration…

YEAH! LET’S FUCKIN’ ROCK! WHO WANTS TO SEE SOME FUCKIN’ PICKS?! DO YOU? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! WOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oh shit, I think I’m a bit too jacked up for this, hang on…

ahhhhhhh, back in business.

On to the Wildcard picks! Each wager is for an even fifty (just like the one pictured above, only less numb).

Washington +3.5 at Seattle

My Redskins aren’t the team of destiny that all of the shitbreath analysts are making them out to be, but they sure as hell can hang with the ass-spelunking Seahawks. Joe Gibbs and Mike Holmgren will each be given an extra five timeouts to ensure that they don’t fuck things up too royally.

Jacksonville -3 at Pittsburgh

There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that reads, “Always bet heavy on the hot team entering the playoffs.” Then there’s the ancient Korean proverb that reads, “Hines Ward is super terrific number one football!” At first I was torn, then I remembered that Koreans don’t know dick about the NFL.

New York Giants +3 at Tampa Bay

You want a real rush? Bet on Elisha in the playoffs.If you’ve ever had an aneurysm you know what I’m talking about. FEEL THE EXCITEMENT PULSING IN YOUR CEREBELLUM!

San Diego -10 vs. Tennessee

Hey, I remembered to pick a home team! They tend to do fairly well in the post season if I’m not mistaken. Jeff Fisher and Jon Gruden should get a special ribbon for trying really really hard every year.

There you have it people, the locks of the week. Here’s what I’ll be doing with my winnings…

Enjoy the magical weekend everyone. I’ll be taking you through it all over at Deadspin.

ed. note: I have no clue what’s going to happen this weekend, so just pretend that I made this picks on Xanax. Yes…pretend.