AFC 2nd Seed — Indianapolis Colts (13-3)

[Hell, Michigan]

Dallas Fucking Clark: Y’know, I like winning as much as the next guy, but I’m pretty sure this idea is for shit.

Peyton Manning: Nobody’s paying you to think, asshole. If this can work for New England, we can make it work for us.

MarHar: I know one thing: it wasn’t my ass what drug us down here. Ya’ll into that aloe drink? Pick it up at the Chinese grocer. Tasty as shit. Could go for some a’ that right now. Hot as dogcrotch down here.

Booming Voice: SILENCE!


Satan: Who dares encroach upon my kingdom of th–

Adam Vinatieri: Hey Satan.

Satan: Oh, hey Adam.

Satan: …my kingdom of the damned?

Peyton: We learned of the deal that you’ve entered into with the Patriots. I think you’ll find our counteroffer enticing.

Satan: Yeah, it was your basic team of souls for a perfect season arrangement. I’ll tell you right now: Matching that offer isn’t getting you anywhere. The Pats have good credit here, you know. You don’t know how many Southies I’m gonna get just by having Wes Welker on my side. I’m guessing all of them.

Peyton: Okay, but just wrap your mind around this…

————————————————————

[Sunday]

Jim Nantz: And with the tackle by Bob Sanders, that will take us to the two-minute warning. The Colts, up 34-17 on the Chargers, minutes away from an epic showdown in Foxboro. Back after this.

Peyton: Hey, Peyton Manning here to talk to you about a great limited-time offer from the Prince of Darkness.

Up to your asshole in debt? Finding payday advance loans and armed robbery to be too much of a hassle? Maybe just want some arbitrary bullshit?

Ever thought of selling your soul to the Devil?

Whoawhoawhoa. Hear me out. And you’ll discover why there’s never been a better time to sell than now.

Don’t be duped into selling your everlasting essence to one of those big corporations or, even worse, some Portuguese guy who promises you a bigger dick. Go with the fictive religious entity with a couple thousand year track record of eternal bargains. We’re offering low introductory rates.

What are you using it for anyway? Why not make that soul work for you?

[cut to family trying to pack their car to go on a vacation]

Mom: The car’s full. We can’t fit anymore.

Dad: If only we didn’t have these damn souls weighing us down!

Peyton Manning: That’s right. They’ll even take Hindus, Sikhs or B’ahai and shit. Whatever it is dark-skinned worship. It’s all good. Believe it or not, but your souls are worth only marginally less than a real person’s.

Tony Dungy: But don’t none a’ ya’ll faggots try to peddle your swishy souls ’round here.

Peyton: He’s just kidding. They took mine, after all.