It’s firing season in the NFL, and I’m disappointed to see that only FOUR coaches thus far have been fired, or resigned, or left their earthly bodies to rise up to heaven and toss lightning bolts at gays, as Joe Gibbs has. “Oh thank you, Coach Gibbs! For all you’ve done for Washington!” Pfft. Whatever. That guy’s a fucking dork.

This is unacceptable. We need to see more coaches fired. I know personally, there’s nothing more exciting than when a coach is fired. Yeah, I know this is a man with a family losing his job, but whatever. It gives me a solid day of chatter, and that’s all I care about. Why did he get fired? Was it because he sucked, or did people just hate his fucking guts? Did players start to tune him out? Did he refuse to fire that one shit QB coach? Did he think he was coming back only to be completely blindsided? I love it when that happens.

Then there’s all the speculation of who gets to replace the asshole who got canned. Pete Carroll? Really? Isn’t he just a male cheerleader with a headset? Bob Stoops? Fuck that. He’d never leave. Or would he? Oooh! Oooh! What about Jimmy Johnson? Can anyone get him off his fucking boat? I hear Jason Garrett is a hot name, and not just because of his fiery red hair! MARTYBALL COULD BE BACK!

You see? Coaching changes are crazy fun. Except for the coach. And his assistants. But fuck them. If they didn’t want to get fired, they shouldn’t have sucked so bad. If I owned a team, I’d fire my coach every year. Just to keep things intriguing. Can’t have things get stale.

Every year, towards the end of the season, I run down all the teams and try and figure out just which coaches could be potentially fired. Then I root for ALL of them to go down. It never happens, but come on, owners. There are plenty of shit coaches out there you can still send to the dole. Rod Marinelli? Really? He gets to keep his job? He blows. And so does Shanahan. And Childress. And Marvin Lewis! Holy shit, I wouldn’t hire Marvin Lewis to park my fucking car! FIRE THEM ALL! It really fills the week nicely!

Anyway, your Meast of the Wild Card round is Maurice Jones-Drew.


Two TD’s in a road win over the Steelers will get you that title. Call him mini-meast.