Yes, Seacrest knows the pregame show is starting soon. Fucking FOX. Starting the pregame show 72 hours in advance. That’s a lotta time to fill, people! It’s a good thing Seacrest is here to preside over the festivities in a brisk, vacant manner. When you want it done right, you go with a pro. That’s why they brought in Seacrest for this. Everyone says they can do Seacrests’s job, and THAT is the key to Seacrest’s success. He makes it look far easier than you could possibly imagine.

But Seacrest is not ready to go out there yet.

What, Robin? No, the foundation is all right. A little uneven. Not your finest work. But good enough. And the suit is excellent. The tapered legs and skinny tie really show off how hard Seacrest has been working with his personal krav maga instructor. Look how streamlined this body is. It’s almost an optical illusion.

Can Seacrest get a spritz?

(Assistant comes over and sprays rose water in his face)

Thank you, Fran. Now, about the hair. Obviously, you were right to not go with the faux hawk. Now that Beckham is here, it’s far too domesticated. I know we shifted from the faux hawk to a kind of Deryck Whibley look last year, but I think that was too juvenile. If Seacrest stands for anything, it’s poise and professionalism. Now, where is Seacrest’s juice?

(assistant comes over and brings juice. Seacrest spits it out)

What is this?! There’s no grapefruit in here! Remember: It’s one third guava, one third tangerine, and one third grapefruit. With a clove of garlic. And the orange in here was not organic. Seacrest can taste its Chinaness. Forget it. Just bring Seacrest a bottle of Kona Nigari. Filtered through a cheesecloth. AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE SEACREST A PUMICE STONE EXFOLIATION ON HIS HEEL? There’s excess buildup.

Did anyone here see “No Country For Old Men”? Yes? What did you think? Well, to tell the truth, Seacrest wasn’t moved by it. There were things he would have done differently, for certain. Didn’t like the sound design. Thought it telegraphed too much.

Have any of you practiced Taoism? Seacrest is thinking of dabbling.

What? We’re on in five? Well, that’s no good. Seacrest isn’t ready yet. No, it’s not you, darling. You’re fine. But we’ve only got five minutes here, and no one has brought Seacrest his morning cock to suck.

So, where’s the cock? The cock is usually here by 8. So, where is it? Dick Clark didn’t have to wait for HIS cock. So where is Seacrest’s?

(ten naked men are brought in)

Oh, this isn’t a good assortment. Are these cocks local? They look like they were flown in. They hardly smell fresh. They smell like Archway cookies. Where are the cocks from Ojai Seacrest asked for? THOSE are good cocks. These cocks are hardly anything special.

Well then, we’ll just have to wait. Get that large black guy who hosts the pregame show to fill the time. I’m sure he can giggle his way through something and give them the weather. Seacrest isn’t going anywhere until he gets a decent cock to suck.

(ten more naked men are brought in)

Better. But they still lack a certain je ne sais cock. Send them back.

(five more naked men are brought in)

Hmm. Not bad. Well groomed. Not much wrinkling. Nice texture. I suppose these cocks will have to do. Robin? Fran? Could you leave us alone for a moment? Seacrest has to prepare himself.

(they leave)

What do you gentlemen think of canary yellow this year? I hear canary yellow’s gonna be very big.