An Overflowing River of Douchejuice
AFC 3rd Seed — San Diego Chargers (11-5)
[A quiet dinner party]
Sarah: This one time, when I was little, my family was on a road trip and me and my brother were acting up. So my parents just pulled over to the side off the road and let us out.
Dan: Whhhhhaaaaaaaaaaat?
Sarah: I mean, they did come back, like, five minutes later. They just went to the next exit then doubled back and got us. But we were terrified. Just sitting alone at this rest stop.
Lori: You totally should have just told somebody. You could have gotten your parents in a shitload of trouble. “Hi, our parents abandoned us!”
Sarah: I know, but I…
[A knock at the door]
Lori: I’ll get that.
[door busts open]
Philip Rivers: Hey hey, betta ask someboddaaayyyy! What’s with all the long faces, lookie fucking loos? Heh. Heh. Heh. Funny fucking anecdote the famous athlete must’ve interrupted, huh? I’m sure it’s everyday a starting NFL quarterback barges in your place. Whoa, where’s the goddamn party at?! I don’t wanna blow my fucking Wednesday night for shit.
[Someone emerges from the kitchen]
Rivers: What’s this cheap shit you got here?
[quaffs entire bottle, spits half on the floor]
Rivers: God, that fucking sucked.
[Throws bottle in high arch toward wall. Bottle doesn't hit wall for a full minute]
Rivers: What? You got a problem with an NFL QB trashing your place? I might as well sign the shards of fucking glass. YEAH, THE FUCKING GLASS! What’s this you got on the wall? A Degas print? Aren’t you such a sophisto?
Rivers: Me? I don’t get art. Art is for fags. Even people named Art are incredibly fucking gay, y’know. RIGHT!? This one’s okay though ’cause it’s got Mr. Miyagi in it. God, that’s so fucking funny. MR. MIYAGI!!! Teach those dancing bitches!
[slaps nearest person on back, laughs in their face]
Rivers: I fucking love Karate Kid. That’s why I love Bill Simmons so much. Because he devotes column themes to old fucking movies like Rocky III like it’s fresh material. The divisional round column will be about the crappiness of airline food or the quality of computer porn.
[slaps nearest guy on back]
Rivers: This guy likes porn. Huh? Buddy? Huh? FUCK YOU.
Rivers: I don’t need this shit.
[Whips out cell phone. Holds it to his ear impatiently for 20 seconds]
Rivers: Fuck you, LT. Pick up your fucking phone. Why is it ringing through? Dick.
[Rivers surveys the increasingly impatient crowd]
Rivers: But, yeah. I gotta get going. It’s been fun and shit.
Aren’t you gonna offer me some food to get me on my way? Isn’t that what considerate hosts do for professional athletes who grace their lame parties? Or is this just a get-together, so the rules don’t apply? HUH? WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THIS? WHY YOU CAN GET-TOGETHER MY BALLS.
[Storms out]
[LaDainian Tomlinson emerges from behind couch]
LT: Is he gone?
Rivers pic sent by reader Roger R.
Tags: hater's guide to the postseason, marmalard, san diego chargers, xmas ape
January 4th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
Is the painting of the ballerinas going to have to substitute for the cheerleader post? If so, it’ll be just a new medium for me to learn to masterbate to.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:14 pm
[Throws bottle in high arch toward wall. Bottle doesn't hit wall for a full minute]
Wow thats just genius.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
quaffs ? What’s with the fancy talk ?
I hope this post doesn’t turn into another GraFlaWa.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Fucking brilliant, Ape.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:18 pm
Just wait until the Simmons readers figure out they can comment over here. Then we’re all in for some poorly spelled shit, let me tell you what.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:28 pm
Art Monk - not gay
January 4th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Thank you kindly for the haterade fix. What an assbag.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:36 pm
also not gay - Art Vandelay
January 4th, 2008 at 5:39 pm
But not Arthur Fonzarelli?
January 4th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
@ richard
It’s high society masterbation. It’s how the other half does it.
January 4th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
also not gay, Art Carney
January 4th, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Ape, how’d you score a picture of my incest support group?
January 4th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
can’t you read unsilent? his name isn’t art, it’s arthur Fonzarelli or The Fonz, nothing gay here, NOTHING
art shell? loves the cock
January 4th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Artie Fufkin: gay.
Arterial wounds: gay.
Artificial insemination: Jodie Foster gay.
Arty the One Man Party: I thought he was cool when I was in middle school. Maybe I’m the one who’s gay.
…it might be time for me to go home.
January 4th, 2008 at 6:01 pm
I watched an episode of the late 80’s remake of Mission: Impossible. Thanks to that episode, I will immediately know that any painting featuring ballet dancers is most likely a Degas. And I will never ever forget this.
Meanwhile, I will immediately forget your name five seconds after you tell it to me.
January 4th, 2008 at 6:28 pm
haha this has to become a regular feature. I hate Philip Rivers so much. You’ve got to work in Drew Brees next time though, make him the life of the party and extremely considerate.
Brees: “I volunteered with the coast guard on some of their humanitarian missions during Katrina and I could see the devastation in the eyes of this nine year old girl–Becky I think was her—”
Door Flies Open
Rivers: “Oh what the fuck is this?? San Diego chose me!! Norv Turner believes in me! That’s why I force it to my widereceivers on out routes–apparently the only kind of routes I could possibly throw!”
January 4th, 2008 at 6:30 pm
Thank you. Oh, God, thank you for this post.
January 4th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Surprisingly, that’s the most flattering picture of Rivers I’ve seen.
January 4th, 2008 at 6:40 pm
(door flies open) = comedy gold approaching. Yee haw!
January 4th, 2008 at 7:51 pm
OH, MARMALARD.
Awesome. Oh, if only we could get a Cowboys-Chargers Super Bowl this year…if only for the Marmalard vs. Wade posts.
January 4th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
LaDainian was hanging out with Mohammed, Jugdish, Sidney and Clayton
January 4th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Artie Lange - pole smoker
January 4th, 2008 at 8:12 pm
I’m not sure who would be the worst san diego qb to have as a houseguest. dan fouts would would eat all your cheese, ryan leaf would would scream at your cat for asking him too many questions and stan humphries would concuss himself on the salad fork.
January 4th, 2008 at 9:16 pm
Egads man, this is two weeks in a row with no cheerleader post. At least last week Ufford’s entire prelude was dedicated to them (and putting them on the moon or something, I’m not sure what), so it wasn’t that big of a deal, but no such luck this week. As rememberance (and hopefully the conclusion) of this crisis of spank material on KSK, next week we should have an honorary “Who Ya Got” between the slutty Little Debbie burning one (which was last week’s surrogate cheerleader post) and the underage-but-ever-so-supple ballerinas who comprise this week’s replacement.
January 4th, 2008 at 10:03 pm
Hopefully Jay Cutler was hiding outside the party in the bushes, waiting to jump out and stab Rivers.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Double J and The Riv need to have a conversation together.
January 5th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
Art Garfunkel. Need I say more.
January 5th, 2008 at 10:53 pm
Thanks roger r.
January 6th, 2008 at 12:27 pm
Rivers sorta looks like Ryan Leaf, doesn’t he? Also, you guys aren’t going to dig any deeper with his sideline jibber-jabber against Cutler? How old is this guy?
Funniest part of the post was in the party picture. Dude at the head of the table is wearing an “IOWA” shirt. I don’t know why I find hilarity in people who make poor choices. Maybe I’m as immature as Rivers.
January 6th, 2008 at 12:29 pm
Reading those lines, I keep picturing him as Rod Farva.
January 6th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
death to Marmalard. tonight’s game inexplicably made me hate him more than I already did.
would love it if Cutler carried out the Felipe Rios hit…