NFC No. 1 Seed: Dallas Cowboys (13-3)

Hello? Yes, this is Terr… [disguises voice] this is Dr. Arthur Honeycake, Mr. Owens’ personal physician….yes, Mr. Owens has a sprain in his ankle and it’s very bad…and I’m afraid he won’t be able to play Sunday…well, we’re not exactly sure how the sprain got in there…yes it’s….OH WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN “YOU KNEW IT WAS ME?” Y’ALL DIDN’T KNOW SHIT. Fuckin shit, man. [Hangs up and dresses for practice]

Aaaahhhh! Oooh, oh, it hurts so much! Me so tender. I’m limping! Look at me limp! Hey, y’all come get some limp footage. Get that shit while it’s hot. Aw, damn, I’m in so much pain! I can’t practice on this thing, man. Shit, no. Ain’t no damn way I can play on Sunday.

What’s that? You want me to jog some? Sure, man, I can jog for days. Ooh, ooh. Little jolt there. Now, wait, that’s not so bad. Wow, this ankle’s starting to feel pretty good. Couple days of this and I’m gonna be alright. Yeah, man, come Sunday, my shit’s gonna be good to go.

AAAHHAAHHHHH, FUCKING SHIT! I just stepped on a goddamn turtle! TRAINER! NEED ME A TRAINER RIGHT DAMN NOW! Man, who’s letting turtles into practice, man? He from the gotdamn Morning Star or what the fuck. No no no don’t touch it don’t touch IT AAAAAHHHHHH OH SWEET FUCKER TO ALL HELL LISA LOPEZ!! MMMmmMpphh, shiiiiiitttt! That’s it, man. I’m done. Ain’t no way I can go against the Giants, man. Forget it.

What you doin? What, you taping that shit up? Wow, you’re using a lot of tape on me there. I think I’m getting…wait…yes, I’m definitely getting a boost of self-esteem from all this attention. Wow, I feel the need to repay this organization in some way. Guess what, baby! I’m playing on Sunday! Getcha popcorn ready!

Game Day

[drops pass]

Aw, shit, man.