It’s Super Bowl time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the both teams for strengths and weaknesses. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Giants:

Everyone knows that the key to stopping the New York Giants is distracting Eli Manning. What they don’t know is that the best way to distract him is by kidnapping his imaginary friend, Moishe…Kevin Gilbride might be a brilliant play caller, but he’s a lousy gardener and a selfish lover…Jared Lorenzen’s bones are fucking huge…Plaxico (pronounced Plexico) Burress has an evil twin named Plaxico (pronounced Plaxico) Burress. One of them is really good, but nobody knows which.

Amani Toomer has never seen Kindergarten Cop so don’t even bother…Chris Snee is known as “Crocodile” to his teammates because his only friend in the whole world is an Egyptian Plover…Grey Ruegamer is urged by coaches to “get his mustache bloody” on the playing field…Michael Strahan isn’t gay, but he dabbles…Jeremy Shockey has an Eli Manning doll, but he’s yet to master the art of voodoo…If you say his name backwards, R.W. McQuarters will drop a the football.

Aaron Ross has been a new man since his girlfriend Sanya started taking him from behind…In addition to playing on the defensive line, Barry Cofield runs a successful accounting firm in South Hampton…Sinorice Moss is still waiting to meet Eli Manning for the first time…Kawika Mitchell dreams of retiring to open an eatery in Remsenburg, Long Island called P.G.’s Wodehouse.

Thanks, Mr. Radioactive Scout!