Hello! Welcome to Roxbury! Glad you could make it. Pardon our appearance. We’ve set up a makeshift camp here for the week. I know it’s not optimal conditions. But we do have deluxe Aerobeds, and we do have a small stock of Purell in each room. So I think you will find that, even as we rough it, we can still manage to do it in luxury. Anyway, would you care to join me for a quick sip of Charles Shaw?
(pours you a glass)
I tell you, you will not find a better Merlot under three dollars. Or, in your case, twenty-seven dollars for one glass. Are you comfortable standing? Perhaps we should retire to the divan. Come! Let us sit.
(sits on divan)
Do you like this divan? It’s from Turkey, which I’m told is a very exotic place that is not on this continent, where they eat various stewed meats. Often, after a long night, me and the girls will retire onto the divan to share finger sandwiches and do some light fisting. Go ahead. Sit back. That’s right. Just lean on your elbows. Isn’t that comfy?
Do I take credit cards? No, I’m afraid not. Too much of a paper trail. Are you in need of cash? Because there is an ATM machine just fourteen blocks over. I’m happy to wait as you get it. No? You’re good? Very well, then. Let us bring out the girls. SHARRAINE! GET THE GIRLS!
Juanita: Hello. I’m Juanita.
Juanita comes to us from Puerto Rico. She’s a grandmother, if that sort of thing suits you. Obviously, she knows her way around breeding. I must be honest. Juanita is very businesslike. Very stern. If you cross her, she’s liable to beat you with her shoe. Some sort of maternal reaction, I think. But I have to tell you, on most days, she’s very good. And she talks a surprisingly filthy game. I think it’s a function of Puerto Ricans living in such tight quarters. No secrets between those people. She’s not afraid to ask you to pull the hairs in her asscrack.
Jasmine: Hello. I’m Jasmine.
Oooh, Jasmine! Very, very elegant woman. She demands only the best of the best. I’ve seen her abruptly leave the checkout line at CVS if she’s made to wait too long. She’s very mysterious. Always sort of looking right through you. I almost think of her as some sort of big-chested housecat. She will bite without warning. Some guys are into that. Some are not.
Black Rose: I’m Black Rose.
Mmmm! The black cherry on my mansundae. You know I found her lying in an alley? She doesn’t remember a THING about her past. It’s kind of thrilling. Anyway, Black Rose is a very popular girl with our regular patrons. Very innovative. One customer stuck a bicycle pump in her. I thought that was rather ribald. She can get VERY nasty. Don’t be afraid to make permanent thumbprints on her body. But do be a gentlemen. 30% of her body is covered with razor burn.
So there are your choices. What do you think? Not bad, eh?
What do you mean, are there any more?
Well, I tried to go to great pains to show you my very finest ladies. I didn’t skimp. I almost brought Sasha with me, but she’s currently in a legal entanglement I cannot divulge. Surely, one of these fine women has caught your eye.
What do you mean, you’ll take Jasmine for half the price? I’m sorry, but these prices are not negotiable. We are not an outlet store for high-class pussy. We are the Hermes flagship store.
I think I know what’s really going on here. I was told this might happen by other players. It’s my understanding that you New England gentlemen are unwilling to pay full price for one of my Nubian princesses. Isn’t that right? “No daaaaakies,” as I’ve heard Patriot fans call them? Isn’t that what you’re really telling Silky Garrard? That you are both discriminatory and thrifty with cash, as all Boston gents are?
Well, that’s unfortunate. I thought we were past this as a society. I see no reason why non-white women don’t deserve the same, good, hard meat stuffing as a white girl. Are we not one world? Didn’t they teach you manners at Andover, or whatever fancy lily-white school you attended? I should have realized something was amiss. I take great umbrage, Sir. And, I must say, I think you are wrong. 80% of all the white women I’ve bedded have been about as exciting as fucking a dead halibut. But THESE women! These women have ambition! They didn’t just get the penis handed to them! They had to fight for every cock they got! And believe me, they bang like it.
Still want a white girl, eh? Oh, whatever. Fine. BRING HER OUT.
Linda: I’m Linda.
This is Linda. She’s a disgruntled 50-year-old housewife from Marblehead looking for some excitement. I hear she’s about as fun as fucking the headboard. Be my guest.
And give me back the Charles Shaw. It’s too good to share with a man of such poor taste. This goes on your bill.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.