KSK has learned that the Washington Redskins have found their next head coach. We now go live to Ashburn, Virginia where a representative of Dan Snyder is preparing to reveal the identity of the new coach to the assembled media.
Tom: [visibly shaking] Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored and humbled to introduce you to the greatest being that I’ve ever had the pleasure of worshiping. The new Head Coach, Vice President of Football Operations, General Manager, and Spiritual Leader of the Washington Redskins, L. RON HUBBARD! [faints]
L-Ron: [swallows a bottle of pills with a swig of rum] That’s right, it’s me, L. Ron Hubbard, the greatest mind of this, the last, or any future century. After conquering the world through religion and mastering dozens of lesser pursuits I’ve decided to return to public life by conquering the NFC East. There are going to be a lot of changes around here. For starters, I’ve eliminated the threat of squirreling by sending Vinny Cerrato off for some RPF. Additionally, I have replaced Gregg Williams with my associate David Miscavige while I will personally take over the offense from Al Saunders. Both coaches have been sent to an undisclosed location for purifs. I assure you that as leader of the offensive pursuit I will keep Xenu contained within his electric mountain trap.
Tom: Mr. Hubbard will now honor the local media by listening to their questions.
Maske: What was all that about containing Xenu?
L-Ron: Did I say Xenu? I meant the Dallas pass rush.
Arch: What is the nature of your relationship with Mr. Cruise?
L-Ron: He’s a favorite pet of mine. He’s like the Jean Grey to my Christmas Ape, right down to the bite marks.
George: Mr. Hubbard, aren’t you dead?
L-Ron: Aren’t you?
George: TouchÃ©. [vanishes]
Steinz: Do you have a favorite gouda?
L-Ron: It’s all gouda with me, my man.
Steinz: That’s it, I love this guy.
Bram: I’m Bram Weinstein!
L-Ron: And we’re all very happy for you.
La Canfora: I’d like to go on record as saying that this is a terrible hire by a pathetic franchise with an incompetent owner.
L-Ron: When’s the last time you had your thetans checked?
La Canfora: What qualifies you for this job?
L-Ron: Hell, I’ve been circling Africa in my boat for nearly twenty-two years surviving on nothing but rum, uppers, downers, moldy wild mushrooms, and the occasional injection in my ass, so I’ve had a lot of time to prepare for this new turn in my life.
La Canfora: That’s all well and good, but how does that make you any more competent than Joe Gibbs?
L-Ron: I can assure you of my success because I have already discovered it within myself. If that doesn’t satisfy your readers than I’m not sure what kind of simpletons are reading Redskins Insider.
La Canfora: You have no idea.
Thom: Thom Loverro, Washington Ti … [inaudible squeaking] … [dogs howling in the distance]
Howard: Why does everybody at ESPN think I’m gay?
Andy: Why aren’t I more popular?
L-Ron: HEY! Let’s get the focus back up on me where it belongs.
Tony: [exasperated] What am I doing here? I haven’t been to a press conference since the first Bush/Gibbs administration! Can somebody push back my reservation at the Palm? Ask for Tommy!
Maske: Excuse me Mr. Hubbard I have an important ques-
Wilbon: Is this being televised? [into cellphone] Wanda, I don’t see any cameras here!
Wise: You guys all need to mellow out. Back in Hawaii things were so much more chill.
Czabe (via text): Do you think it would be better for the team if you were to step aside?
Les: WHO WANTS A PIECE OF THE CARP?!
L-Ron: [whispering to Tom Cruise] These guys are fuckin’ daffy!
Tom: [shouting to L-Ron] How many more levels do I have to buy my way through before I get to touch you?!
Jim Vance: Ain’t this some shit?
I want more like this!
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