I’m Sorry, Serena Williams
I was sorry, Serena Williams, to learn this morning that you were dumped by your boyfriend. Brad Maynard was reading Deadspin to me this morning, and I couldn’t feel worse for you. I know what it’s like to be with someone that you open up your pants heart to, only to have it crushed and mangled, as if it was being dragged over a cobblestone road through a town square. I feel bad.
And I’m sorry to say, Serena Williams, that you kinda brought some of this shit on yourself, dating a guy named “Jackie” that wasn’t actually Jackie Chan. Goodness Gracious, that dude is bad-ass. But this dude you were dating was an actor after all, and I’m sure that the Stanislavsky Method training of his helped him embellish some of the things that you already were willing to hear. It’s like Rexy always tells us: A girl can fake an orgasm, but only a guy can fake an entire relationship. Word, sistah.
So, you’re not gonna believe this, Serena Williams, but we didn’t make the playoffs this year, and I’ve got some free time coming up next month. Would you be interested in going to Honolulu with me in February? Yeah, I know I didn’t make the Pro Bowl, but Roy Williams said that he wasn’t voted in either, and now he’s going. I’m hoping that happens to me. Jeez, those cornerbacks get so lucky sometimes. But, we’d be there for the week. We can go to a luau and help Coach Jones clean out his office. Or we can help you come up with a better name for that apparel line that you don’t do any work on. ANERES? Shit, girl. I knew that was Serena spelled backwards as soon as I saw it.
You’re on your own getting back to the mainland, though. That’s just how I roll.
Tags: I like big butts and I cannot lie, MMP, serena williams, sometimes I wish I was black, The apologetic Brian Urlacher
January 11th, 2008 at 10:35 am
He’s much nicer in person than via text message, I hear.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:37 am
I like that other people refer to the wisdom of Rexy. The only thing better than a Sex Cannon post is the Sex Cannon tangentially showing up in someone else’s post.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:51 am
Dude, he looks, like, thoughtful and shit.
January 11th, 2008 at 10:55 am
picture via Xerox
January 11th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Brad Maynard was reading Deadspin to me this morning
Very nicely done.
I’m sure that the Stanislavsky Method training of his helped him embellish some of the things that you already were willing to hear.
You’re lying MMP. There’s no way Urlacher could put together such a sentence.
Love the 2Live Crew reference.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:04 am
forget helping Coach Jones clean out his locker… help him recruit, dammit!
January 11th, 2008 at 11:04 am
I was really wondering what that Walter Reed guy who’s always on washingtonpost.com had to do with Serena Williams or the NFL.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:05 am
this is exactly what the world needed, more apologetic Brian Urlacher
January 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am
I didn’t know Brian Urlacher was gay.
January 11th, 2008 at 11:24 am
The Rexy wisdom is priceless
January 11th, 2008 at 11:26 am
ps. bring the cat suit
January 11th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Unless I missed something, that is a Sir Mix-A-Lot reference in the tags.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:01 pm
@hank. Yep, I’m an idiot. Shows my level of rap knowledge.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
picture via Xerox
… via Josten’s, your number one source for high school yearbooks!
I’m pretty sure that stuff at the bottom is a BFF note from Hester.
January 11th, 2008 at 12:46 pm
I’m going to Hawaii - can I have my own Serena when I’m there?
January 11th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Picture the offspring of Serena Williams and Brian Urlacher. Freak ‘O Nature.
http://gdygs.blogspot.com/
January 11th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
I imagine this being read in a silky imitation of Barry White. I think to myself, “Becky - don’t judge. You, too, might fall for the dulcet tones of Apologetic Urlacher.”
Then, I remember the he touched the walking herp that is Paris Hilton. So not so much.
January 12th, 2008 at 1:50 am
Man I would sure love to Superman Serena.
And any dude names Jackie has got to be some kind of fag.
Speaking of Soulja Boy, look what I found. Pretty fackin’ hilarious ain’t it Murph?