It’s the first weekend since the summer that’s sans football but that doesn’t mean we don’t have some vicious rivalry that we can occupy ourselves with until the media circus commences next week. All this southwestern indolence is just the thing to make us forget about the mesmeric excitement of the game. Why, I don’t miss it at all…I…just… OHGODINEEDFOOTBALLHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEWHOYAGOT?

Contestants

Saguaro__________Tumbleweed

Football applications

Pylon?_______Fuck. I don’t know. Just give me football.

Kinda like the Super Bowl because

Prickly, like Tom Coughlin__Contains sticks, dirt, animal feces, like Logan Mankins’ beard

Evocative of

Uh, not football________Soccer, in its ability to bore

Provides

Water______Also water. Wait, no. Just sticks.

Can Tom Brady fuck it?

Sure, why not?______Moves too fast for his boot

Can pass for

[Sigh] I don’t know_____BRING ME A WHOPPER FOOTBALL

Finishing move

Sitting there______Best guess: tumbling