You fackin’ Paytree-ut haters out there thought we couldn’t go 16-0. But we Pats fans nevuh had any doubt. And there is no doubt as to who will be victorious in Arizonuh five weeks from now. I haven’t felt this confident of anything since I passed around my petition to have that Persian family kicked out of my neighborhood. NO FACKIN’ MAGIC CARPET RIDIN’, LAMP-RUBBIN’ CAMEL JOCKEY FAMILY BELONGS IN FACKIN’ QUINZEE, MASS! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!
You know what really fackin’ pisses me off? The gawddamn Paytree-uts go 16-0, and those fackin’ shitbawxes in the media still don’t give them any fackin’ respect! It’s a fackin’ joke. Like these Wild Caaaaad teams. Why are they paying attention to these Wild Caaaaaaaad teams? None of them stand a chance AGAINST THE FACKIN’ PATS JUGGUHNUT! Fack that. The Paytree-uts would facking kick the shit out of them like I kick the shit out of my dog, Beasley. He’s a good dog. But when he barks, I gawtta give him a taste of my Lugz, you know what I’m sayin’?
And you, Miami Dolphins! You too can hang on my ballsack. Fackin’ Dawn Shoola. You old piece of shit. Why don’t you go play some fackin’ backgammon and drink some fackin’ Sunsweet prune juice, you fackin’ pantshittuh! You too, Mercury Morris. Why don’t you go snort some cocaine and drive your car into a telephone pole, you stupid daaaaaa-kie! Ha! Black people are so dumb.
(drinks lighter fluid)
Oh my God! Is that G-Love and Special Sauce? Fitz, turn that shit up! This shit fackin’ rawks!
My baby’s got sawce!
This whole hatred of the Pats comes from simple jealousy. You fackin’ Pats hatuhs out there are just jealous of our incredible success. You’re jealous of Tommy Brady’s good looks, and Bill Belichick’s superior intellectualness. But you are also jealous of Boston as a whole. You are jealous of our fine schools, like Hahvuhd, and M-eye-tee, and South Quinzee Gun Repair And Event Planning Correspondence Institute, which I attend. You’re jealous of the Red Sox. And the Celts. And the fact that we legalized gay marriages specifically so that we could jump faggots coming out of da church and give them the fishhook.
And you’re jealous of the guns. Admit it. They look fackin’ great. My girl Tina likes it when I do the military press with my shirt off, and I can’t blame her. Right, honey?
Nice, huh? I just got her to go from smoking 5 packs of Pahluhmint a day to 4 and a half. It only took five weeks of slappin’ her around and calling her a fat, smelly piece of dogshit to get it done. You fackin’ fatass Pittsburgh fans have that kind of discipline? I think not.
So keep on hatin’ us, you piece of shit fans of other piece of shit NFL teams. Me and all my buddies from Quinzee feed off of that shit. It only makes us stronger. And, as you can see, I am quite strong already. My boss says I have a real few-chuh in moving armoires. Suck on that. 19-0 is inevitable, you pansies. There’s nothing you can do about it. Just sit back and enjoy ow-uh dawminunce. TAKE YOUR BEATING LIKE A MAN, LIKE BEASLEY DOES!
And, in case you still feel like whining, I’ll be here all postseason long, aftuh every fackin’ Pats blow-oot, to remind you of how fackin’ superiuh the fackin’ Pats are. Because we fackin’ DESERVE this success. Okay? I personally had to struggle through all those early years of the Pats, when they never went to the Super Bowl. Except in ’85. And ’96. I had to live through the indignity of purposely avoiding Pats games because they were loosuhs, and I did not care about them. That hurt. So if you think I’m not gonna revel in Pats’ awesomeness. YOU AAAA OUTTA YOUR FACKIN’ TREE, SHITBAWX!
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.