The Epic Douchefrontation: Massholes vs. Marmalard. WHO YA GOT?
The game may not be all that competitive on the field but there’ll be plenty of grist for the douche mill in this pitched battle of the obnoxious, with the bandwagon, pink hatted, fairweather, occasionally violent, racist and retaaaaaaahded fans of the Paytreeuts square off with Marmalard himself. The combined forces of douche converging could make the universe collapse on itself, which is a preferable eventuality than the Patriots winning it all. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?
New England Patriots fans_________Philip Rivers
Been Around the NFL Since
2001___________2004
Can’t Find
A minority among them_______His teammates after the game
Frightening Facial Feature
Patriots helmet tattoo____________Laserface
Fallback
“The real season staaaarts in April”_______Volektricity
In Love With
Jennaaaaaafaaaaaaa_____Chastity, who surprisingly isn’t a stripper
How You Know They’re Coming
Light dims, animals flee________[door flies open]
Opening move
Clearing out all the “dddaaaaakies”__Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy
Finishing Move
Ending every blog comment with “19-0″___Making you root for him
For those in the D.C. area who care to join, I’ll be watching the game at Murphy’s in Alexandria, home of “the largest Patriots fan club in the mid-Atlantic region.” Sure, the team will almost certainly win, but all that C4 I plant might put the kibosh on their celebration. I’m kidding, of course. Grenades will work fine. Thanks for those, Ufford!
Tags: marmalard, massholes, who ya got?, xmas ape
January 18th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
Was reading the comments section of an Indy Star article about Dungy possibly leaving and came across this quote. Thought it might be a good reminder.
“well losers here i am again your team will never be as good as the pats payton is overated brady set all new records this year while pinhead was making tampon commercials pinhead is hated throught the country cause he cried so much after losing afc champ game 42 3 the nfl changed the rules about receivers getting jammed at line of scrimage boo hoo watch out eli if you play NE they tackle really really hard pinhead couldnt hold bradys jock strap brady is bainging a supermodl while pinhead bangs a **** ugly broad”
January 18th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Somehow, the blurry version of the Rivers picture was funnier to me. I’m not sure why.
19-0
(just kidding.)
January 18th, 2008 at 12:38 pm
Is this a new, higher resolution Marmalard pic? Excellent.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
San Diego, German for whale’s vagina
New England, German for country’s vagina.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
I’ll probably be there. Woo.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
Methinks Jennafaa (Excellent phonetic spelling by the way) might be a hair to dark for any Pats fans to be comfortable with.
January 18th, 2008 at 12:58 pm
YA BETTA ASK SOOOMMMEBODDDY!
With the new Hi Res Pic, his Military Grade Douchiness came through so much…clearer.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
Creole Lady Marmaaaaaalard!
January 18th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
Sorry Ape, but I would never go to a bar full of Pats fans on purpose, not even one that bears my name.
Marmalard owns in a douchefrontation.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:09 pm
I gotta give the edge to the Masshole nation. Marmatard will fade from the spotlight in the coming months, but as the “Fallback” notes, the Massholes will be out in full force in April, reinvigorated. After spending nearly a century being New York’s bitch, a couple of successful seasons have their little brother complex flipping out to epic proportions of doucheness.
17-0… unless I already missed two rounds of the playoffs
January 18th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
Has anyone ever explained the actual origins of “Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy”? Where did Xmas Ape come up with this magnificant distillation of doucheness?
January 18th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
Wow, I’ve neven seen a Masshole phoenitc spelling before. I guess you really do learn something new everyday.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
Jennafaa’s Career Goal:
To always be happy and able to support myself financially.
Sounds like every stripper I ever met.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
That woman’s head looks too big for her body. Is it just me?
Also, I just realized that the picture above depicts an asshole actually shaped like the Commonwealth of Massachusetts — hence, “Masshole.” That’s some fine graphics work there, sir.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:40 pm
Nothing wrong with Jennafa. I myself prefer Chantal.
January 18th, 2008 at 1:47 pm
I like Nicole, personally.
But all these girls are clueless whores. Just the way I like ‘em.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I’m out of town, but my sister and brother will probably join you. Murphy’s is actually a good bar, for being the “Irish bar entirely imported from China” variety. Draft Guinness eases the pain.
January 18th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
Wait, forgive me if i’m late but I just read this:
“I want to make something clear,” Moss said. “In my whole entire life of living 30 years, I’ve never put my hand on one woman, physically or in an angry manner.”
Did he just go Amaechi?
January 18th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
@guiness: No he just likes to beat on his women in bulk.
January 18th, 2008 at 3:50 pm
KSK ripping Pats fans = funny
Commentors ripping Pats fans = Ironic Douchiness
You know who’s fans are real assholes? Your team’s fans are. Because everyone’s fans are.
I believe both Bill Simmons and stupidity are responsible for morons accepting “Pats fans are douchier than anyone else” as fact. Thats because the only experience you have to go on Bill Simmons. And you are dumb enough to think that he is an appropriate sample size. Well fuck that asshole, and fuck anyone who equates that no talent hack with Pats fans.
January 18th, 2008 at 4:06 pm
FutureMrs - I agree on the blurry Marmalard pic…much funnier for reasons that I can’t really put into words.
January 18th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
@leaking geek
With the new Hi Res Pic, his Military Grade Douchiness came through so much…clearer.
Now my nightmares are even more vivid.
January 18th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
Jenafa
Interesting fact: Sleeps 18 hours a day.
Community Cause: Performing at the (Y)Eastie Pride Day. She puts on her Versace wedding dress, joins hands with her girl, and marches to the wedding chapel.
Quote: “The eyes are the window to the soul.” I wonder how many times she’s been scored on with that line. Her I-Pod tune selection is the window to her life-style.
January 18th, 2008 at 4:32 pm
Before this day is over, I’m going to somehow manage to work “grist for the douche mill” into a conversation.
January 18th, 2008 at 4:44 pm
I can’t wait to see Rivers cry
19-0
(not kidding)
January 18th, 2008 at 5:37 pm
Ok. I can’t read this blog at work anymore. I have to keep pretending that I’m one of those people who just bursts into laughter for no good reason. Better to admit that I’m slightly insane than that I’m spending all day surfing the net.
January 18th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
Has anyone ever explained the actual origins of “Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy”? Where did Xmas Ape come up with this magnificant distillation of doucheness?
I had always assumed it was a bastardization of the New Age Outlaws’ catchphrase.
January 18th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
“Commentors ripping Pats fans = Ironic Douchiness”
Stop projecting douche. Thank you.
January 20th, 2008 at 2:35 am
isn’t Massachusetts the only state in America with a black governor?
January 20th, 2008 at 11:08 am
yes but he has self-esteem issues