The game may not be all that competitive on the field but there’ll be plenty of grist for the douche mill in this pitched battle of the obnoxious, with the bandwagon, pink hatted, fairweather, occasionally violent, racist and retaaaaaaahded fans of the Paytreeuts square off with Marmalard himself. The combined forces of douche converging could make the universe collapse on itself, which is a preferable eventuality than the Patriots winning it all. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

New England Patriots fans_________Philip Rivers

Been Around the NFL Since

2001___________2004

Can’t Find

A minority among them_______His teammates after the game

Frightening Facial Feature

Patriots helmet tattoo____________Laserface

Fallback

“The real season staaaarts in April”_______Volektricity

In Love With

Jennaaaaaafaaaaaaa_____Chastity, who surprisingly isn’t a stripper

How You Know They’re Coming

Light dims, animals flee________[door flies open]

Opening move

Clearing out all the “dddaaaaakies”__Ya betta ask somebodddaaaayyyyyy

Finishing Move

Ending every blog comment with “19-0″___Making you root for him

For those in the D.C. area who care to join, I’ll be watching the game at Murphy’s in Alexandria, home of “the largest Patriots fan club in the mid-Atlantic region.” Sure, the team will almost certainly win, but all that C4 I plant might put the kibosh on their celebration. I’m kidding, of course. Grenades will work fine. Thanks for those, Ufford!