With the resurrection of American Gladiators last night came a new incarnation of the Gladiators themselves, this time with more moody lycra and ridiculous scripted quips before the start of certain events. Not to say that the show is overproduced or anything, but at one point I was certain that they were going to start opening briefcases.

The 12 Gladiators selected for the second coming were hand-picked by NBC producers out of thousands of applicants, not only for their aptitude in pumping iron, but in pumping out “dialogue” as well. Naturally, some of the applicants came up short of being the total package that the show was seeking. Join us as we take a gander at some of the would-be Gladiators that didn’t make the cut.

Boron

Real name/hometown: Chester Queensbury, Latrobe, Pennsylvania.

Personal Dream: To make enough money to buy a house in Hollywood with doorways big enough to walk through without turning sideways.

Reason Rejected From The Show: Subject to extreme and uncontrollable fits of rage, especially after a Steelers loss.

Sting

Real name/hometown: Svetlana Federov, Sacremento, CA, by way of Moscow, Russia.

Personal Dream: “To be meeting strong Ameddican man and bed heem and to be having him in marriage wit mee unteel I keel him in meeddle of lovemaking.”

Reason Rejected From The Show: Failed STD test.

Tibia

Real name/hometown: Tia Bay, Vancouver, British Columbia.

Personal Dream: To lose another ten pounds

Reason Rejected From The Show: Actually made the cut, but was replaced when producers announced that she was a no-show for the first tape (Actually, she was there, but she was turned sideways and nobody could see her).

Immenstral

Real name/hometown: Katherine (nee Kyle) Martinsen, Dayton, Ohio.

Personal Dream: Natural lubrication, getting medical bills paid off (tie)

Reason Rejected From The Show: Unable to get waiver signed by her physician.

Superchub, Cowbell, Hollywood, Kenmore, Big Pete

Real names/hometown: Joey, Jason, Joshua, Jerry, and Stephen Franklin, Philadelphia.

Personal Dream: Co-ownership of upscale hamburger restaurant.

Reason Rejected From The Show: Kept trying to light their farts on the flaming apparatus above the pool on the Eliminator.