What do YOU want for the Super Bowl, little boy?

It’s Super Bowl time, so we at KSK asked a high-ranking NFL scout to analyze the both teams for strengths and weaknesses. This man was offered anonymity in exchange for his complete and utter candor. In this post, he analyzes the Giants:

Everyone knows that the key to stopping the New York Giants is distracting Eli Manning. What they don’t know is that the best way to distract him is by kidnapping his imaginary friend, Moishe…Kevin Gilbride might be a brilliant play caller, but he’s a lousy gardener and a selfish lover…Jared Lorenzen’s bones are fucking huge…Plaxico (pronounced Plexico) Burress has an evil twin named Plaxico (pronounced Plaxico) Burress. One of them is really good, but nobody knows which.

Amani Toomer has never seen Kindergarten Cop so don’t even bother…Chris Snee is known as “Crocodile” to his teammates because his only friend in the whole world is an Egyptian Plover…Grey Ruegamer is urged by coaches to “get his mustache bloody” on the playing field…Michael Strahan isn’t gay, but he dabbles…Jeremy Shockey has an Eli Manning doll, but he’s yet to master the art of voodoo…If you say his name backwards, R.W. McQuarters will drop a the football.

Aaron Ross has been a new man since his girlfriend Sanya started taking him from behind…In addition to playing on the defensive line, Barry Cofield runs a successful accounting firm in South Hampton…Sinorice Moss is still waiting to meet Eli Manning for the first time…Kawika Mitchell dreams of retiring to open an eatery in Remsenburg, Long Island called P.G.’s Wodehouse.

Thanks, Mr. Radioactive Scout!

Ernest Borgnine: I have to tell you, this is pretty disappointing. I mean, here we are, Super Bowl week, All we’ve done is sit in our hotel room for three days and watch DVDs.

Punter: Will you just settle down? None of the good parties have happened yet. We’re here on radio row now, surrounded by celebrities, players, and media. Somebody is going to invite us to a party tonight. I just know it.

Ernest Borgnine: You better be right about this.

Punter: I am right. And we’ve been watching good movies, for the record.

Ernest Borgnine: Sure, sure…So does he really have a twin brother?

Punter: Who are you talking about?

Ernest Borgnine: That Charlie fellow. From the last movie we watched.

Punter: No, I’m pretty sure he just made that guy up.

Ernest Borgnine: But his name was in the credits.

Punter: Really? I didn’t see that.

Ernest Borgnine: Yeah, both Charlie and Donald were there.

Punter: Yeah, I don’t know about that. I did think Charlie was pretty clever, writing himself into the screenplay like that.

Ernest Borgnine: I thought it was pretty arrogant, and pretty lazy. I mean, why does he have to be him? Why can’t he just make up another character? It’s not like he doesn’t have any to choose from. I mean, look around here, for example. This place is filled with characters. Marshawn Lynch is over there. And over there is Terry Bradshaw. There’s Adam Brody, There’s–

Punter: Holy shit…Adam!

Ernest Borgnine: You know Adam Brody?

Punter: Sort of. We’ve never actually met, but we’ve exchanged emails.

Ernest Borgnine: Well then how is he going to recogni–

Adam Brody: Punterrrrr, sup bro? This is, uh, this is just like that one scene in that obscure movie whose name even I can’t remember. Dude, you’re not gonna believe this, but check it out, this guy Matt Cassel, you know, I think he’s a kicker or something, but he–

Punter: Goddamn it, Adam, he’s New England’s backup quarterback.

Adam Brody: Whatever, man, you know I don’t follow the defensive players, but anyway, he, uh, he’s co-hosting this rad party with Motorola out in the burbs, and I’m going, you know, and you and your dad should try and go, too.

Ernest Borgnine: What do we have to do?

Adam Brody: Just find Matt, who’s perusing the grounds as we speak. He will accommodate.

Punter: Good deal, man. I can’t believe you’re gonna be the Flash. That kicks ass.

Adam Brody: Yeah, as long as Wonder Woman is–MATT!

Matt Cassell: [walks over] Off the fucking nozzle, bros. Off the fucking nozzle. [Hands each person a VIP lanyard, wanders off]

Ernest Borgnine: What a disturbed young man.

Punter: Hey, that guy’s alright.

Adam Brody: No, bro, he’s kinda messed up. You’re not gonna believe this.

Ernest Borgnine: Try us.

Punter: Yeah, man, try us.

Adam Brody: Okay, so I guess he had a big meeting with the coach last night…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Matt: You wanted to see me, Coach?

Coach: Yeah, Matt, come on in. Have a seat over here on the bed.

Matt: Um, okay.

Coach: Look, Matt, it looks like Tom is pretty injured with this ankle sprain. And you know I’m sick of hiding him from the press. And, well, I think it would be only fair if I gave you a chance to earn the starting job.

Matt: Aw, thanks coach, I really appreciate this. So, I’ll be getting more reps in the 7-on-7s this week?

Coach: Well, not exactly.

Matt: Oh. Well…will he and I be doing competitive drills in walkthroughs this week?

Coach: No, not exactly.

Matt: (confused) Um, then how exactly am I competing for the job?

Coach: You see that red sweatshirt on the bed, Matt? That’s my Little Red Riding sweatshirt. You see, Matt, I’ve been waiting for this moment since you were at Southern Cal. I’m gonna put on that red sweatshirt and curl up on this bed with you. And then you and I are gonna fuck like wild seals in the Arctic night. Like a couple hamsters trying to eat each other. And if you can take the pounding that you know I can provide, right here, right now, you’ll be our starter.

Matt: Oh no.

Coach: Think about it, Matt. I’m gonna make you howl like the three-legged coyote in heat that you are. And then I’m gonna snap my offensive genius off in your ass. You’re gonna wish you were in prison, but it’s a small price to pay for worldwide glory.

Matt: Pl-please stop it, Coach.

Coach: Oh, Coach, what big eyes you have! Say it, you pissant!

Matt: This isn’t right–

Coach: CALL ME GRANDMA YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!

Matt: (jumps off the bed) Whoa, whoa, uh, sorry…I’m sorry, coach. I - I can’t do this.

Coach: (stands up) You do it, Matt. You fucking do it or you’re gonna get kicked around this league like a frozen dog turd on an Alaskan oilfield.

Matt: I’m sorry. (walks out)

Coach: Very well. (yells) Tommy! You’re starting on Sunday!

Tom Brady: (from under the bed) Thanks, Mister! Can I go back to my room now?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adam Brody: You believe that shit, bro? Have you ever heard anything so disgusting?

Ernest Borgnine: It’s truly awful.

Punter: Shoulda fucked him. But hey, we’ve got a party to get ready for. Where’s my hovercraft?

Ernest Borgnine: Hovercraft?

Punter: Yeah, I have a hovercraft. It’s my post.

Adam Brody: Nice. Is is black?

Punter: It is now!

Adam Brody: DAMN! I’m dizzown like a wedding gown!

Ernest Borgnine: Okay, but go easy on the turns. These hovercrafts historically don’t corner well. And one more thing.

Punter: What is it?

Ernest Borgnine: Well, if this is your post, can I do something? It will just take a second.

Punter: Sure.

Ernest Borgnine: [yells] YEEEEE-HHAAAAAWW! WHOOPDY-DOO!!! I AM FLIPPING CRAZY!!

Punter: [confused] Yeah, that was a bad call.

Adam Brody: It was almost there, but not really.

Ernest Borgnine: Oh well, I tried.

I am the head man of the most powerful sports league in the world. Millionaires seek me out in a crowd to shake my hand. Lavish gifts come pouring into my office just for the consideration of being spit on by me. I’ve met presidents, monarchs, and emporers, and rest assured that The Rogg has been king in every court.

And don’t forget that the Rogg is one perceptive son of a gun. I know what you came hear to discover. I can almost hear the question rolling around in your head. Have I ever banged a black chick?

The answer is yes. Yes, I have.

She was an education major during my last year at Wash and Jeff. I like to call it “Wash and Jeff,” because people always ask, “Who’s Jeff?” I don’t think it’s very funny, but I enjoy making others look stupid. It’s a gift, really. Now, where was I? Ah, yes. Her name was Chrissy, and she was amazing. Big boobs, big ass, and yet somehow still skinny as a rail. She defied proportion just as she defied society’s expectations of a black woman in 1980. She always wore these button-down shirts, pleated skirt, and argyle socks. I always hoped that one day I might see one of those massive jugs bust out of that shirt. Jesus, if I had a dime for every time I had jerked off to that thought. Big titties know no season.

She had this cute little afro, usually with a headband, and if you saw her walking your way you’d swear your cock was going to detonate in your pants. She had that “it” thing, and every time I saw her I had to run off and put “it” out of “its” misery.

We had an economics class together in the spring, and I remember one day she came into class crying. I remember going up to her and gently, just gently putting my hand on her back. She turned around and, with tears still streaming down her face, she smiled at me. I thought I was going to fall over. Somehow, I managed to ask her out to dinner that night. She smiled again.

Dinner was a blur. I remember inviting her up to listen to some Earth, Wind & Fire. She came up, and before I could close the door, she was already naked. Then she jammed her hand down my pants, and I started to play with her, too. I think she could tell I was a little nervous. “You doin’ alright, baby?” I nodded; I was nervous. We laid down on the floor.

I didn’t last more than a couple of minutes, but it was great. So great. We kissed, and then I went into the bathroom to wash up. When I came out, she was gone. We had class a couple days later. I couldn’t wait to see her, but she never showed up. I found out that she had dropped the class.

You doin’ alright, baby?

A couple weeks later I found out that she’d had a big fight with her boyfriend the day she was crying. That’s why she was crying when I saw her. I fight the urge to second-guess everything that happened on that night. Our night. What was real, and what was revenge, I just don’t want to tear that apart.

You know, I could close a billion-dollar deal every day for the rest of my life, and I’d still never get the feeling I did when Chrissy came up to my apartment that night. “You doin’ alright, baby?” Sometimes I can still hear those words. Some things just stay with you, I guess. My dick still has a scar from our endeavor that evening. You wanna see it?

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, Inmate #34590874598 in the Federal penal system, Michael Vick!

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

Holy shit.

This jenkem, this is the strongest shit I’ve ever done. And when I say “shit”, I mean it literally! How’s that next batch cookin’ up, Pookie?

Pookie: It’s goin’ good!!!!

Vick: I gotta pick this Super Bowl game and shit. Who do I pick, Pookie?

Pookie: I dunno, MV7. You gotta write that shit down and give it to Loop down the hall. He’ll set you up.

Vick: Shit. I guess I’ll pick the Giants. How do you spell Giants, Pookie?

Pookie: G-I-A…

Vick: Whoa whoa whoa. Hold up. Slow down. Go back to the beginnin’. How do you spell G?

Pookie: Uh…

Vick: (crumples up the paper) Man, fuck this shit. Let me get my nose in some more of that doodoo.

Vick: (sniffs) Oh yeah. That’ll do, doodoo.

As you know, Tom Brady has baffled reporters in recent days by sporting a protective boot on his foot and being conspicuously absent from the Pats’ initial Super Bowl practice sessions. After much research, we at KSK have discovered not only the nature of Brady’s injury, but where he was while his team practiced without him. He was, in fact, in Seattle, at Seattle Grace hospital. Here now is a transcript of what happened, as told to us by a surgical resident at the hospital.

Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. As a surgeon, it is our job to cut. Sometimes we cut deeply. Sometimes we cut just a little bit. But we are always cutting. And when we cut, we leave a scar. And when we leave a scar, we know just how deeply we have cut those we come into contact with. And those cuts can add up to one big cut over time. And we cannot uncut what we have cut. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

(Meredith wakes up in bed)

Meredith: My God. I drank far too much Chardonnay last night. I had a dream that I was falling. What does that mean? How does that impact my life? Derek, how am I going to get through this?

(turns over in bed to find Tom Brady in bed with her)

Meredith: OH MY GOD! You’re not Derek!

McDreamboat: What happened? A doctor was fixing my leg up, then you came in to bring me ice chips, and then some other doctor came in with wine. Then another one came in and started dancing around. Do you people even do any fucking work at all?

Meredith: Oh, my God. I… I can’t be here right now. What does this all mean for me? For us? My god…

(enter Izzy with a cake)

Izzy: Who likes cake in the morning… HOLY SHIT! You banged a patient! You banged a patient! (bursts into tears) I can’t believe you would do that to me! You knew this would remind me of Denny!

Meredith: But he’s not Denny…

Izzy: Don’t you bring up Denny to me! Okay? You have no right! He was so amazing. (laughs while crying) We were going to open up a free clinic in Africa together. We weren’t going to make any money. In fact, we had no sustainable plan for it at all. BUT I CARE ABOUT MY PATIENTS, DAMMIT!

Meredith: Please, Izzy, don’t tell anyone. Not even George. Oh God, what will this all mean for me?

(cut to Izzy at the hospital. Derek approaches)

McDreamy: Hey, you seen Meridith?

Izzy: Oh my God, you know? (bursts into tears) I thought she never would have told you!

McDreamy: Told me what?

Izzy: What? Oh, you didn’t… OH GOD! (bursts into tears) OH GOD, IZZY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT YOUR MOUTH SHUT? WHY DO I ALWAYS HURT THE ONES I LOVE?

(wanders out into rain while a KT Tunstall song plays for five minutes)

McDreamy: That was odd.

(enter Dr. Bailey)

McDreamy: Dr. Bailey, have you seen Dr. Grey?

Bailey: No, I have NOT. Okay? I do not have TIME to go hunting for interns. I do not have TIME to be concerned with your love life. I do not have TIME to take my focus away from my patients. I do not even have TIME to tie my shoes, Dr. Shepard. I WISH that I had that kinda TIME. I WISH I had TIME to look for MY loved ones. I WISH that I had TIME to have coffee in the courtyard. But I do not HAVE that kind of TIME. Do you understand, Dr. Shepard? Have you taken the TIME to understand that?

McDreamy: My God, you’re a human dynamo.

Bailey: Yes I am.

(runs off)

(Derek finds George)

McDreamy: Dr. O’Malley, have you seen Dr. Grey?

George: Who, Meredith? Uh, no. I… uh… gee… well… not really sure… I guess… Kinda awkward here… You’re so handsome and perfect and you do everything right… and uh…. I’m such a douche… so… uh… I WANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY, GOD DAMMIT!… uh… Listen, is it normal to lose your erection inside a woman?… Is it?… Because I do that with Izzy. Like ALL the time. She just starts talking about the environment while we’re doing… you know… and I just can’t keep…

McDreamy: You know what? Just stop talking. I’ll find her on my own. Okay?

(Derek finds McSteamy)

McDreamy: Mark, have you seen Meredith?

McSteamy: Can’t find your girl again? That’s too bad. Listen, why don’t you let me run a train on that little number? You and I know I’m the only guy at this fucking hospital with a set of balls on me. You can’t like that Olive Oyl bitch THAT much. She’s not even hot. Your ex-wife? Now THAT was a piece of ass.

(Enter Brady)

McDreamboat: Excuse me, has anyone see Dr. Grey?

McDreamy: Excuse me?

McDreamboat: I need to find Dr. Grey.

McSteamy: Why do you need to find HER?

McDreamboat: Well, it’s a bit embarrassing, but I think I might have left my wallet at her place. I need to find it or else I’ll miss practice.

McDreamy: Really?

(Meredith enters from down the hall. She sees all three men together.)

Meredith: Oh, my God. McDreamy, McSteamy, and McDreamboat all together! They’re a McTeamy! AHHHHHHH!!!! WHAT’S IT ALL MEAN FOR ME?!!!!

(Derek approaches)

McDreamy: Meredith, what’s going on?

Meredith: I… I…

(Just then, 500 plane crash victims are wheeled in to the main entrance)

EMT: WE GOT 500 PLANE CRASH VICTIMS HERE!!! WE NEED TO TRIAGE AND INTUBATE THESE PEOPLE!!!

Meredith: Oh my God. They’re so hurt and mangled! What’s it all mean for me? Why am I such a cunt to my sister?!

EMT: WILL YOU FUCKING MOVE, BITCH?

Meredith: Oh my God, I’m so rattled. So very rattled. DEREK!

McDreamy: Calm down, Meredith. Just calm down. Take a deep breath. Just calm down. And take a deep breath. Stay calm? Are you calm? Let’s all be calm. Let’s be calm now. Look at me. Be calm. Now look at your shoes. Are you calm?

Meredith: Yes, but WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEAN FOR ME? AND FOR US?

McDreamy: I can’t keep doing this, Meredith. I can’t keep doing this. You keep running away from me. And I keep running to you. But then you keep running some more. And then I keep running to catch up. There’s a lot of running. And I get so tired. So very tired from all the running. I don’t want to run. I want to walk. And stroll. And mosey with you. But I can’t walk with you unless you stop running and decide to shift down to a slower type of gait.

Meredith: I don’t know what I want, Derek. I don’t know what I want, but all I know is that I want someone who is happy with the fact that I don’t know what I want. Because I never know what I want, because I’m an annoying fucking shrew.

(enter Christina)

Christina: OH MY GOD! DID YOU SEE SOME OF THESE BURN VICTIMS? They have jet fuel burns. JET FUEL BURNS! You know how long I’ve been waiting to get my hands of a heart that’s been charred by jet fuel? I’ve read all about that shit. What are you fuckers sitting around for? This is MY FUCKING CHANCE TO GET AHEAD AND YOU’RE IN MY GODDAMN WAY. YOU PEOPLE AREN’T HARDCORE!!!

McDreamy: Why are you friends with that cunt?

Meredith: I don’t know. We like to dance. Oh Derek, what does all this MEAN for me?

McDreamboat: Uh, can I get my wallet?

(cut to Seattle skyline at night as Snow Patrol song plays)

Annoying Meredith Grey Voiceover: Cutting. They sometimes say that the first cut is the deepest. But what they don’t say is that the second cut can be just as deep. And, in the end, WHO we cut is just as important as what we cut. If only we could cut out all this cutting.

(cut to black)

Yes, Seacrest knows the pregame show is starting soon. Fucking FOX. Starting the pregame show 72 hours in advance. That’s a lotta time to fill, people! It’s a good thing Seacrest is here to preside over the festivities in a brisk, vacant manner. When you want it done right, you go with a pro. That’s why they brought in Seacrest for this. Everyone says they can do Seacrests’s job, and THAT is the key to Seacrest’s success. He makes it look far easier than you could possibly imagine.

But Seacrest is not ready to go out there yet.

What, Robin? No, the foundation is all right. A little uneven. Not your finest work. But good enough. And the suit is excellent. The tapered legs and skinny tie really show off how hard Seacrest has been working with his personal krav maga instructor. Look how streamlined this body is. It’s almost an optical illusion.

Can Seacrest get a spritz?

(Assistant comes over and sprays rose water in his face)

Thank you, Fran. Now, about the hair. Obviously, you were right to not go with the faux hawk. Now that Beckham is here, it’s far too domesticated. I know we shifted from the faux hawk to a kind of Deryck Whibley look last year, but I think that was too juvenile. If Seacrest stands for anything, it’s poise and professionalism. Now, where is Seacrest’s juice?

(assistant comes over and brings juice. Seacrest spits it out)

What is this?! There’s no grapefruit in here! Remember: It’s one third guava, one third tangerine, and one third grapefruit. With a clove of garlic. And the orange in here was not organic. Seacrest can taste its Chinaness. Forget it. Just bring Seacrest a bottle of Kona Nigari. Filtered through a cheesecloth. AND CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GIVE SEACREST A PUMICE STONE EXFOLIATION ON HIS HEEL? There’s excess buildup.

Did anyone here see “No Country For Old Men”? Yes? What did you think? Well, to tell the truth, Seacrest wasn’t moved by it. There were things he would have done differently, for certain. Didn’t like the sound design. Thought it telegraphed too much.

Have any of you practiced Taoism? Seacrest is thinking of dabbling.

What? We’re on in five? Well, that’s no good. Seacrest isn’t ready yet. No, it’s not you, darling. You’re fine. But we’ve only got five minutes here, and no one has brought Seacrest his morning cock to suck.

So, where’s the cock? The cock is usually here by 8. So, where is it? Dick Clark didn’t have to wait for HIS cock. So where is Seacrest’s?

(ten naked men are brought in)

Oh, this isn’t a good assortment. Are these cocks local? They look like they were flown in. They hardly smell fresh. They smell like Archway cookies. Where are the cocks from Ojai Seacrest asked for? THOSE are good cocks. These cocks are hardly anything special.

Well then, we’ll just have to wait. Get that large black guy who hosts the pregame show to fill the time. I’m sure he can giggle his way through something and give them the weather. Seacrest isn’t going anywhere until he gets a decent cock to suck.

(ten more naked men are brought in)

Better. But they still lack a certain je ne sais cock. Send them back.

(five more naked men are brought in)

Hmm. Not bad. Well groomed. Not much wrinkling. Nice texture. I suppose these cocks will have to do. Robin? Fran? Could you leave us alone for a moment? Seacrest has to prepare himself.

(they leave)

What do you gentlemen think of canary yellow this year? I hear canary yellow’s gonna be very big.

Without a doubt, this is the finest spoof of a Brett Favre commercial featuring pasty-white man ass that we have ever featured on KSK. Enjoy.

The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are super fucking excited to be a part of, as we have in the past. For the next two weeks, stars from the world of entertainment, politics, and more will drop by to make their picks for the big game in the Pink Taco! Up next, it’s Jennifer Love Hewitt!

Can I just say something? I’d like to say something about all the comments that have been made about my body? I don’t care if you said it or not. I know you were thinking it. Oh, trust me, I know.

You know, it’s not like all of YOU are perfect, okay? I mean, New England is almost perfect, but that doesn’t make them RIGHT! There are a lot of teams right now struggling with their identity, okay? And just because you FREEKS are masturbating to people besides me is no reason for you to…I just (sobs)…you guys are just so mean…I just…I know it’s big down there…I’ve tried pilates…I’ve tried Jenny Craig…it’s just really (sobs)…it’s hard for me…Valerie Bertinelli makes it look so easy…(sobs) Can I get a tissue please? …Can someone…will someone bring me a goddamn tissue? …I just don’t…HEY WILL ONE OF YOU GET ME A FUCKING TISSUE?!?!

Valerie, if you so much as pass me on the street I will fucking kill you. You perky little bitch. “Oooh, look at me! I lost all this weight! It’s so easy!” Go fall down a goddamn well, you Paisan whore! Kirstie Alley and I are going to eat you like a pack of wild boars! Nobody crosses J-LOVE! NEVE CAMPBELL TRIED THAT SHIT AND HAVE YOU HEARD FROM HER LATELY? NO I GUESS NOT SO SHUT IT! YOU MAKE ME TOUCH YOUR HANDS FOR STUPID REASONS! BITCH!

So, next time guys? Just be cool, okay? Hee-hee. That was a real laugh, I swear.

Our own Maj was a co-host of this week’s Blog Show with Jamie Mottram. And I really have only one thing to say about his appearance.

YOU MEAN HE’S NOT BLACK?!!!!?!?!?!

Well, that is a fucking tragedy. Like most of you, I had a certain vision of what our Maj would look like. I thought he was a big burly black man who became a centaur by night. I also hoped he’d be taller. And that he wouldn’t sound like a Time/Life operator.