Where You Been? Whole Steel Industry’s Been Gay For Years
Steelers fans,
What the fuck are you trying to do to me? Okay, it’s not your fault the franchise saw fit to introduce some wholly unnecessary mascot to commemorate the team’s 75th anniversary, as opposed to, say, some goddamn cheerleaders. But given the chance to submit names for the Bruce Campbell doppelganger, the best 70,000 of you assholes could come up with was Steely McBeam.
Steely McFuckingBeam. See that “fucking” in there, it’s called a tmesis. I’m pointing that out to you because I’m going to try to impart a few facts in each post from now on because YOU’RE OBVIOUSLY SO GODDAMN STUPID. WHY AM I CONSTANTLY DEFENDING YOU FROM UFFORD?!
Seriously, do we really need to name the mascot the way an 8-year-old names his hermit crab?
“Look, ma! It’s Pinchy McShell!”
“Look, it’s Hermie McCrab!”
Fuck. You.
Tags: gay mascots, pittsburgh steelers, steely dan + jim beam, urge to kill rising, xmas ape
![[badge]](http://cdn.ksk.uproxx.com/wp-content/themes/default/images/100121_FOXmsnBadge_200x50.gif)
August 8th, 2007 at 10:19 pm
That’s not such a bad name, although I would have gone with Sir Craven Dicken-Balz.
August 8th, 2007 at 10:29 pm
Steely McBeam? Sounds like an Avenue Q character. New name for residents of the Burgh? Dummy McDumbass. An aborted fetus could have thought of a better name than that.
In all seriousness, Pittsburgh doesn’t have cheerleaders?
August 8th, 2007 at 10:30 pm
Sounds like a porn star name…
August 8th, 2007 at 10:40 pm
even Lexington Steele thinks that’s a McShitty porn name
August 8th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
The thing needs to be Setty McOnfire. There isn’t one thing to like about it. His shirt is the same color as his skin; for a second, I thought he had the torso of The Thing. His overalls look like a Steelers snowsuit, and his stubble belongs on Razor Ramon. Is this like the loyalty test the Browns put Cleveland through, except for Pittsburgh it’s a shitty mascot instead of a shitty team?
August 8th, 2007 at 11:22 pm
The stubble beard, the douchey overalls, and the retarded grin? They should’ve called him Billy Ray McCyrus.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:00 am
The Triangle is not so Golden at the moment.
He’s a millworker, probably unionized. Why not just go with “Coffee Break” instead?
August 9th, 2007 at 12:02 am
I understand the Pirates having a mascot to keep the twits entertained that still give a shit about the Pirates. Shit, we have two, thats how bad we suck. The fucking Steelers should not have a fucking mascot because we win. We don’t need fireworks and bands and giveaways to get people to the games. Yes, I said we. Fuck you. I’m going to burn that fucking thing with hellfire. I don’t give a shit if it is some lame ass college kid in the costume, foam goes up quick and I’m coming for you. I will burn you to the fucking ground.
That said, I kinda like the Steelers chances this year if the O-line holds up.
August 9th, 2007 at 1:50 am
Not seen in picture: Kordell Stewart also extending his arms out, with tears in his eyes, waiting for the strong, soothing embrace of Steely. Yes, Steely forgives you for your crappy QB career, Kordell, and he can’t wait to show you his McBeam.
August 9th, 2007 at 7:31 am
Still way better than Wally the Green Monster….
August 9th, 2007 at 7:47 am
That thing is hopefully made out of polymascotfoamalate so with a little luck and a zippo…
August 9th, 2007 at 8:23 am
Steely McBeam is a poor man’s Big Boy… Queer
August 9th, 2007 at 8:39 am
Considering the population of Pittsburgh and the surrounding areas, wouldn’t Stan Steelinski be a better fit?
August 9th, 2007 at 8:41 am
Trent Steele would have been a far better choice. Or Pig-Iron.
August 9th, 2007 at 8:59 am
Considering Pittsburgh’s demographics, wouldn’t Steeleb Beamski be more appropriate?
August 9th, 2007 at 9:14 am
The only thing he is missing is zubaz pants.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:20 am
Scott sounds a lot like the white version of Joey Porter!
And let’s face it, if Joey Porter were still around, this mascot would have never seen the light of day.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:23 am
ha ha!
/Nelson
August 9th, 2007 at 9:31 am
Cool. Jackson DeVille is no longer the worst mascot name.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:45 am
@paul, I think you meant to say it sounds like a gay porn name.
@mc, and a mullet.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:56 am
Pat Patriot and Billy Buffalo think Steely McBeam is a shitty name.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:59 am
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7KYx4qJ4BU
Nuff said.
August 9th, 2007 at 10:14 am
Was “Bus-Station McPedophile” already taken?
August 9th, 2007 at 10:16 am
stevie steeler, just for the record, was a pretty dumb McFucking name itself.
August 9th, 2007 at 11:03 am
It looks like the Thing from Fantastic 4 after gastric bypass.
August 9th, 2007 at 11:22 am
My name is …Steely McBeamen
I keep the ladies… cream-in’,
August 9th, 2007 at 11:41 am
@wrecking_ball: The triangle isn’t so much gold as it is pink.
August 9th, 2007 at 11:44 am
I’d laugh, but my team has a giant furry named “Roary.”
Well, and a more normal sized Furrey named Mike. But i’m getting off track…
August 9th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Peter McSheisty is not impressed.
August 9th, 2007 at 11:57 am
Yeah, it’s a gay porn name. A gay porn cartoon name. And there aren’t enough gay porn cartoons, in my opinion.
Given the state of the US steel industry, I’d say a better name would be Steely McJobless or Strikey McFutile or Myjobwenttochina McSad.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
“Steely Dan” would have been apprpriate for that POS gayboy mascot. Read your Burroughs.
August 9th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
I like Myjobwenttochina Mcsad. +1
August 9th, 2007 at 1:12 pm
This abomination makes Crazy Crab look like a stroke of genius. And Crazy Crab was the most reviled mascot of all time. Damn thing spent enitre games getting garbage dumped on him.
I miss Crazy Crab.
August 9th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
If this guy showed up a a kid’s birthday party he would immediately be arrested and forced to register as a sex offender. 8 year olds, dude.
August 9th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Read more about this McAbomination (too many syllables for most Stillers fans to understand) in One Of America’s Great Newspapers: http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/07221/808167-66.stm
August 9th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.
August 9th, 2007 at 6:09 pm
looks like an incredible fagort to me.
August 9th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
Bill Cower’s chin had to do something since he retired
August 10th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Sorry folks, but that names going to be tied up in court as I’m suing for copyright infringement. Steely McBeam has been the name of my cock for years. I’m going to have to call a bunch of my ex-girlfriends to sign an affidavit proving that, but I think it’s worth it. They had other names for it like “The Disappointer”, “Is that your finger?” and “You wish it was three inches,” but mostly they called it Steely McBeam.
August 10th, 2007 at 1:38 pm
Rowdy is jealous and plans to interrupt Cowboys practice incessantly until he gets a “Mc” name.
May 8th, 2008 at 3:31 pm
[...] Steely McBeam didn’t ask to be created. He was thrust into a world not of his making; a world where those he was designed to amuse instead heap scorn and derision upon him. Steely quickly grew to loathe his creators for condemning him to a tertiary existence—not quite dead, not quite alive. [...]