GWEN IFILL (EYE-fuhl) of PBS “fame:” Hello everyone, and welcome to our inaugural edition of The Quarterbacks Debate, an improvisational panel show where we bring in two NFL quarterbacks to discuss current events issues from around the world. I’m your host, Gwen Ifill. And my panel includes two great young quarterbacks from the National Football League. On my left, the Jaguars’ David Garrard.

DAVID: Hello, Gwen, thank you for having me.

GWEN: And on my right, the Vikings’ Tar-var-is Jackson.

TARVARIS: Sup.

GWEN: Now, David, let me start with you. There have been numerous studies pointing to the climb in obesity among adolescents. Do you feel this is on the verge of an epidemic, or merely a disturbing trend?

DAVID: Well, Gwen, certainly factors such as food choices and exercise are contributing factors here, but I believe that since awareness of the issue has grown, parents and younger people both are taking steps toward preventing obesity.

GWEN: Tavaris? A response?

TARVARIS: Shit, man. What the fuck they be trying to drop on ol’ T-Jac, muthafucka? Gott-DAMN! Dem bitches a’int go be sleepin’ on dis shit, check this shit out. Dis da troof right here! Muthafuckas ain’t comin in hee-uh wit no Gott-damn Brook Ballinjuh! Ain’t try to b’lee dat shit. I go slap the white right off yo Gott-damn mouth, you crazy ass uppity sucka bringin dat Uncle Tomboy shit up in this mug. I didn’t wanna be on the show.

GWEN: I see. Next topic. Tavar . . . David. Estimates show that over 24 million so-called illegal immigrants are currently in the United States. In your opinion, what’s the best policy for dealing with undocumented residents? Is it amnesty?

DAVID: Well, I certainly don’t see how we can get–

TARVARIS: Shit, man, I ain’t comin up in this ten thousand lakes to be just handin’ that shit off, know whut I’m sayin? I came to toss da PAIN! That muthafucker in da coat, he be sayin all this shit like I need ta’be reedin deefenses, man. Now what da fuck is that shit? He don’t lemme call no audibles any damn way. Now all deez bitches be talkin bout Adrian Peetuhson. Adrian Peetuhson. Sucka, lemme stick Bobby Wade on yo squad ‘n lessee if you can git yo ass a muthafuckin first down, and I ain’t foolin’, neither.

GWEN: …Okay. (puts head down while shuffling index cards)

DAVID: So, Tar-var-is, do you think there’s life on other planets?

TARVARIS: Shit, man. Gott-damn PO-leese be ridin’ my shit DAY AND NIGHT, muthafucka. Man, I just tryin’ do mah thang, man, know whut I’m sayin? Dis muthafucka bee poolin’ me ova’ and he struttin’ his turkey cracka ass all up hee-uh, and he be all, “Let me see your identification and insurance.” Muthafucka, you KNOW who my ass is! ‘Specially when I be ridin’ down the Bulla-vard in my game shit, fool. Shit, I’ll hand you da PRO-gram on da dash and yew can look my ass up.

GWEN: I’m afraid we’re out of time. Please be sure to join us next time…on The Quarterbacks Debate. Good night.

TARVARIS: Nighty night, y’all.