10 years, Jesus.
10 long fucking years.
I have played fantasy football for ten years now, and I have NEVER won a title. Ever. You would think that, despite my unyielding incompetence, I would have at least won a league one time by default. But noooooo. I only made the playoffs for the first time last year.
But this year was different. This year, I had amassed a fantasy squad of such astounding talent and depth, that failure almost seemed impossible. My lower round draft picks were excellent. And I made all the right pick ups, playing guys like Kolby Smith and Kenny Watson the weeks they had their best performances. I even pulled off a trade for Steven Jackson. By the end of the regular season, I had a first round bye and was averaging over 100 points a week.
My two main keys to success? Tony Romo and Terrell Owens. They produced nearly every week. Until this week. WHEN THIS FUCKING TALENTLESS COCKLEECH SHOWED UP IN THE COWBOYS LUXURY BOX WITH HER SHITBOX FATHER.
“Oh look, Daddy! The cameras are on me again! I’m gonna smile and stick my tits out now, just like you instructed me to! Is this good? HEY Y’ALL, I’M ON THE TEEVEE! The plastic surgeon you hired was great, Daddy! Ashlee and I look like the Olsen Twins more than ever! This game’s boring! I’m hungry! (eats six containers of own lipstick) Do you think I need to get my hair dyed again, Daddy? There’s a racing stripe going down my head!”
My boy Romo was doing juuuuust fine until this big-titted tiki idol showed up yesterday. Fucking Jessica Simpson. Fuck. FUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!
You just HAD to show up at the stadium, didn’t you, you fucking Redneck Yoko. You just had to be seen cheering on your new boyfriend wearing A GODDAMN PINK COWBOYS JERSEY. I hate the fucking Cowboys, and even I was offended. I get it, sweetheart. Your career is fading. You’re not gonna stay on top much longer. I get why your dad ordered you to fuck a rising NFL star while he watched. I get that you have to help up your profile.
BUT YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO GO TO THE FUCKING GAME AND THROW OFF MY BOY’S CONCENTRATION, YOU VACUUM-HEADED CUNT.
I won yesterday’s game against Leitch, but fucking BARELY. I got a championship date with UM this coming weekend, and this fuccubus is throwing a wrench in it all. Now, if I had lost, I was going to wish cancer on Jessica, Howard Stern-style. I was going to pray to Jesus to infect her blood with some form of hideous cancer cell. And for it to reside deep in her bone marrow, quickly growing, turning black and sprouting hair, nails, and teeth. I was going to pray it would then metastisize, spreading to her lymph nodes, colon and uterus. So that she would have to endure round after round of painful chemotherapy.
But I did win, so that seemed inapporopriate.
So, dear Jesus, let us instead pray for Jessica Simpson to come down with a severe case of leprosy. Jesus, I know I don â€˜t pray to you often. And I know that, when I do, it’s usually to wish bodily harm upon an innocent being due to fantasy football-related hardship, and that you’ve never answered a single prayer of mine, especially that one I made back in 5th grade about wishing I had a friend.
But I am praying to you now, Jesus, with all the strength in my heart, to give Jessica Simpson leprosy. Today. May it quickly proceed to then rot her body, causing her to lose fingers, toes, ears, and the like. May she be too dumb to understand what is going on with her body, and that she fails to consult a doctor before it is too late. May my boy Romo then immediately dump her sorry ass under the misunderstanding that leprosy is highly contagious (95% of all people have a natural immunity to the disease). May Jessica then be quarantined on a remote Pacific island, where she is then forced to marry Tree Man.
Please do this. I know your God is a vengeful God, and I have naught but vengeance in my heart. This female Brick Tamland has put my fantasy season in severe jeopardy, and I demand satisfaction.
You have my phone number. Let me know when thy will is done. I’ll be listening to “(Antichrist Television Blues)” while I wait.
Thanks to AA for the screen cap.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.