It’s the first NFL game being simulcast by two major networks since Super Bowl I, and the first ever in which reserves will play a prominent role. No matter which station you tune into, you’re getting the same feed of the NFL Network’s dolorous Bryant Gumble dronefest. The winner of the ratings showdown is more in doubt and probably just as consequential as the winner of this game. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

National Broadcasting Company________Columbia Broadcasting System

Television suits whose names are bandied about but you don’t need to know

Dick Ebersol__________Leslie Moonves

Game causing viewers to miss

Midseason bullshit game show brought on because of the writer’s strike___Quickly cobbled together made-for-TV movie on San Francisco zoo tiger mauling

Technological edge

Advanced cameras can capture all of J-Load in one shot___Keith Olbermann’s smug blocks out competing signals

Suck off Tom Brady?

Yes_______________Oh God, yes

Suck off Eli Manning?

Maybe Costas__________Cowher’s new teeth might hurt

Will mark Patriots perfect regular season with

Shocking restraint________Giving Bill Simmons the shocker while he’s in restraints

When Giants backups come in

Tiki Barber forced to play_____Spanish announce team secretly takes over

That sound you’ll be hearing

Rupert Murdoch seething________Rich Eisen beating off to local affiliate anchor

Finishing move

Stay tuned for an SNL rerun_____90% of CBS viewers asleep by halftime