When I agreed to write this week’s Meast post, I did so for one reason… to have a flimsy excuse to post the picture you see below. Veteran KSK readers may recall that this is the Rex Grossman-inspired bethonged Christmas tree that esteemed commenter Michigan Becky sent to us last year. As you can plainly see, Michigan Becky rocks the party. If you can decorate a tree anywhere close to this cool, we would love to see it.

Click picture for a better view. Go ahead, you deserve it.

Despite the fact that he is averaging over five yards a carry and is about to become the 17th leading rusher in league history, Fred Taylor was once again blue-balled by Pro Bowl voters. But now that Fast Cast Willie Parker is on the shelf with a broken leg, Taylor, as first alternate, will finally be making a trip to Honolulu. Fred’s name used to be synonymous with season-ending injuries– but this season he has been giving the big up-yours to all the simps like me that threw away first-round fantasy picks on Mojo Drew. Now, to top it all off, he is your Meast of the Week. Y’all give Fred some love.

Aloha, Mr. Hand.

We’re going to be posting less frequently next week, but if you’ve been good boys and girls this weekend you might get a bourbon-fueled diatribe or two in your stocking. Ho fucking ho, baby.

Hey, it’s a match-up for former number 1 picks who actually panned out into pretty good players. What’s more, it’s a situation in which the two players actually interact with one another, not like when two superstar players who both play offense or defense happen to be in the same game and we have to pretend one’s performance can affect the other. Hey, look Purple Jesus put 125 on the ‘Skins. He totally shut down Clinton Portis! Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Welcome to the Week 16 edition of Always Be Covering. This is a special week, not because of any “real” games, but because fantasy leagues all over the world will be crowing their champions. I’ve been fortunate (GENIUS!) enough to reach the finals in two of my three leagues, so this week I’ll have the pleasure of beating the shit out of Drew and winning some actual money. Seeing as how I’m paying $200 for the money league I thought it would be appropriate to spread an equal amount over a handful of the tastiest NFL offerings.

It’s been a bit of a long week what with the launch of 35 Seconds, assisting on a move, and the occasional bit of actual work (time permitting) so I didn’t waste time with any of that silly research. On to the picks!

Each wager is for $50.

Green Bay -9 vs. Chicago

The Packers have only dropped two games against the spread and Kyle Orton throws footballs the way primates fling feces…assuming said primates are drunk and/or retarded. Speaking of which, how come you don’t see more mentally challenged monkeys? I bet they’d be fun to have around, for a while at least.

Buffalo +3 vs. New York Giants

Speaking of retarded primates, how ’bout that Eli Manning!

Indianapolis -7 vs. Houston

I have absolutely nothing to say about this game, so here’s a video that came up on a YouTube search for “retarded monkey.”

It’s like the Manning family in some sort of alternate reality!

Washington +6.5 vs. Minnesota

Y’know, Tarvaris Jackson with 6.5 points is like a mule with a spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it! No Rocky McIntosh for the Redskins, but that just means more H.B. Blades, and you can never have too much H.B. Blades. You’ve gotta love the Blades family, they’re like the Spinks’ of football.

Enjoy Week 16 everyone, now I’m going to go to bed so I can start dreaming about Levance Fields and Dejuan Blair.

Here’s this week’s Doug & Doug fantasy report. I suppose it’s pertinent here to mention that the Yahoo! Tank Desert Classic Championship will be played this weekend between me (BradyQuinn HandParty) and Maj (I Forgot My Mantra). There’s a lot on the line. Winner gets either a free shirt or a free trophy. I picked the shirt. I’m not confident I chose well. I just found a shirt to be more practical. Anyway, here’s how we match up:

QB Advantage: Maj
RB Advantage: Maj
WR Advantage: Drew
TE Advantage: Maj
K Advantage: Even
DEF Advantage: Drew
Height: Drew
Weight: Drew
Reach: Drew
Intelligence: Drew
Penile Length And Girth: Drew
Swarthiness: Maj
Sperm Count: Drew
Classic Roman Good Looks: Drew
Hair: Drew
Inherent Likability: Drew
Teeth Whiteness: Drew
Vaginal Depth: Drew (Maj edit)

Tough call. But we’ll settle it all on the field on Sunday. Actually, other people will settle it on the field for us. But you get the idea. Oh, and FUCK MAJ.

Some first-class asshole named Joe Damato wrote into us regarding a satirical post in which we had a fictional David Garrard act as a pimp. Well, Joe noticed an inaccuracy in the post. He writes:

Here’s your quote:

“No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn’t that interesting? Now, if you don’t mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!”

Officers don’t. If they did, there would be no such thing as an “undercover” officer because numb nut criminals would say…”are you a cop?” and the cop would say “aw shucks…..ya’ got me!” There goes the whole idea of “undercover.”

Either go to law school or do some research….get your fat asses off of the couch and stop being ignorant.

Just a friendly reminder for whichever one of you douche bags tries to buy some blow or grass from a guy on the street. “Are you a cop?,” doesn’t work. Morons.

We suggested to Joe that if he can’t recognize satire, he should probably go ahead and hang himself. He replied:

If you can’t recognize accuracy, then you should keep doing whatever it is you are doing. Fucking morons.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

…

Wait. So…

…

What are we supposed to do again? Is it go to law school, do some research, or keep doing what we’re doing?

Hey Joe, guess who’s both the dumbest and the most righteous jackass to ever send us an angry email?

You are, asshole. I hope this is the first thing that pops up when someone Googles you. Merry Christmas, cocksucker.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that earlier report of ESPN’s Bill Parcells currently on a charter flight to Atlanta tonight may or may not have a layover.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen tells ESPN’s “Mike & Mike” that a reported flight to Atlanta tonight contained Elton John without his hair or makeup, and NOT ESPN’s Bill Parcells.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen confirms to ESPN that ESPN’s Chris Mortensen does not know where ESPN’s Bill Parcells is at this time, but will have updates as this story develops.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN.com’s Len Pasquarelli reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is now on his way to Miami, preparing to sign offer sheet to become VP of Dolphins. Parcells will sign the offer, unless he does not.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN’s Bill Parcells is carrying with him a preserved mosquito in amber, and plans on cloning dinosaurs once he lands in Miami.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that ESPN’s Bill Parcells has actually already cloned two velociraptors and has them in transit.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that the velociraptors have been genetically engineered to read, to use telekinesis, and to feel no pain. But that the velociraptors are both females, so that they cannot learn to breed.

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen tells ESPN’s John Clayton that the velociraptors have learned to BREED!

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that the bloodthirsty velociraptors have parachuted out the plane and are presently on the ground!

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that THEY HAVE NUKES NOW! GOOD FUCKING GOD, RUN! EVERYONE RUN! HURRY! PLEASE! SOON THEY WILL DEVOUR US ALL AND CREATE A NEW ERA!

NBA: Raptors 73, Bucks 71

ESPN’s Chris Mortensen reports that ESPN.com’s Len Pasquarelli reports that the recent reports (probably from a blog) of a superintelligent nuclear dinosaur attack were incorrect. Apparently, they were just cats.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen OFFICIALLY CONFIRMS that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas. Today. December 20th.

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen would like to reiterate his confirmation that Falcons head coach Bobby Petrino has resigned to become the new head coach at Arkansas, because it’s totally true!

BREAKING NEWS: ESPN’s Chris Mortensen has learned that Yahoo’s Mike Silver has written an article with lots of cool stuff in it, and that he will soon report its contents.

Get the inside scoop from ESPN’s Chris Mortensen on ESPN Insider!

Wade: For a week coming off a loss, it’s certainly been quiet around here. Jim Johnson foiled our attack good, even rattled Romo a bit. Just have to eliminate the distractions and I’ll have everything back in apple pie order.

Let’s see what else is going on around the league:

Hmmm. Pro Bowl rosters announced. Hey, a league-high 11 Cowboys! That’s even more than New England. Wonder how we swung that?

What’s this sidebar? “Parcells rejects Falcons offer, may join Dolphins.” Hoo boy.

(door flies open)

Jerry: YYYYYYYEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAWWWWW

Wade: Oh lordie.

Jerry: Your Lord is right, Bulbous the Blubber Beefcake! Can you believe what the media is saying the world-beating squad I’ve assembled is the work of Parcells? They say he’s gonna replicate the task in Miami. He didn’t even want T.O. or my great goddamn star ROMO.

Wade: You can’t really concern yourself with what the media says, sir.

Jerry: YOU BETTER GODDAMN BELIEVE I CAN, CAUTIONARY WHALE!

(flips on TV)

Parcells: It’s like I said, you scribbling little faggots: I’ll fix this little pathetic fucking franchise right up in no time, just like I did in New England, New York and Dallas. Write that shit down and shove it in your peehole, twinkledick. Please refer all follow-up questions to the back of your sallow teeth, shitheads.

(turns TV off)

Jerry: Did you hear that, Mother Flubber? I know if he said all-you-can-eat moon pie night, you’d have fucking heard him clear as a Day’s Inn seafood buffet, Lard O’ Lakes.

Wade: He did do a fine job of getting the team back on track after a few losing seasons.

Jerry: He did a fine job of HORSE SHIT, Hamhock! He couldn’t even win a goddamn playoff game. This success has all been the makings of Double-J! Now you better get your fat on the road and deliver me a Super Bowl, or I won’t give you this hover scooter for Christmas so you can float your flab ass to the refrigerator and back.

Wade: I’ll do what I can, sir.

Jerry: YEEHAW!!! WOO HOO!! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!

Oh, hello there. Please, please. Come on in. Can I have Michelle take your coat? MICHELLE! Take this man’s coat, will you?

(girl wearing a beige body stocking takes your coat and smiles at you)

Can I have Leanna pour you a drink? Some port, perhaps? Excellent.

(pours you a glass of port)

Would you mind if I also partake? Oh, very well then!

(pours himself a glass of port)

Cheers to you, my new friend. Mmmm. Very nice. Very tawny. There’s a whole wildberry essence to it… very good. Well, let’s take a seat, shall we?

WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please, put that money away. You’ll present money to one of the ladies. We don’t handle it out in the open here. It’s very uncouth. Let us instead simply toast to a fine evening. Let us share a brief moment of civility. How are you? Are you feeling well? Are you a police officer?

No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn’t that interesting? Now, if you don’t mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!

(Tiny pats you down)

Well, that’s a relief! Now, let’s discuss some specifics. I understand you’re looking for intercourse, is that correct?

(You nod.)

Good! Because if you’re looking for intercourse under $300, you’ve found the right man. I offer premium quality at reasonable prices. And I am a stickler for customer service. We have evaluation forms you can fill out at the end of your session. Now, a couple of basic rules:

-You must pay your girl prior to the beginning of your session
-You must use a condom. We will provide them. We have flavored ones available upon request.
-You must take off your shoes before entering the room.
-Some girls do anal. Some do not. You must ask. No surprise visits, please.
-You will not receive a receipt.
-All sessions are audiotaped for quality assurance.
-No rough stuff.

Remember, these are ladies. Please treat them with the same respect you would treat your own mother when you ejaculate on their faces. Do you have any problem with any of these rules?

(You shake your head.)

Good. Tiny will be in the adjacent suite, lest things get too out-of-hand. But you don’t strike me as the unruly sort. Now. Let’s bring out the girls, shall we? GIRLS!

Chanel: I’m Chanel.

Chanel is very, very popular with our regulars. She’s very quick to pick up on what you like and what you don’t. She’s also works the shaft very well during blowjobs. Take it from me! I only ask that you not pull her hair, because it will come off if you do that.

Yvette: I’m Yvette.

Yvette comes to us from Taiwan. Very exotic. Very good with oils and lubricants. What she doesn’t know in English, she really makes up for with her enthusiasm for new and adventurous things, like a blowing you while riding a sybian machine.

Nene: I’m Nene.

Ah, Nene! One of our favorites. She hails from St. Thomas. Customers have been very quick to praise her ability to put them at ease. She’s very playful, Very friendly. Unless you don’t want her to be. She can get really nasty and tear your dick off if you want. But mostly, she’s very sunny.

Sasha: I’m Sasha.

Everyone always picks Sasha. Dunno why. Unfortunately, she’s booked until 2014. I’m sorry. She’s very in demand.

So anyway, there are your choices. Personally, I don’t think you can go wrong. I can personally attest to the fact that these women all have premium grade genitalia. No scarring or flappy lips of any kind. Only two of them have had children. So that’s very good.

So, who’s it gonna be?

(You think.)

Tough to decide, isn’t it? Well, take your time. No need to be hasty. Let us enjoy this port a little more.

The port is $50, by the way.

It’s an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren’t making money off their pain. That’s only for the league to do.

NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It’s also a satire parody of this.

Ya gutta be fackin jokin, right? You mean to tell me Dr. Underneath and his 1,000 yards receiving and, most importantly, his luscious white skin isn’t good enough for your precious Pro Bowl squad, NFL? Somebody get Goodell on the phone. I feel like bellyachin’.

What’d I only buy two versions of his fackin jersey for, then? Because I was saving room for the Wes Wel-kah Pro Bowl jersey. My regular rotation goes: Papelbon All-Star jersey, Scalabrine jersey, my “Charles River Not Charles Drew River” shirt, ” and my “Celtic Green Not Pumpsie Green” hoodie. This woulda fit in perfect.

Three of the Pats eight Pro Bowlers are coloreds. That’s almost half! That ain’t right, I tell ya. I got half a mind to go back to not giving a damn about this team. Did me okay from 1960 until 2001.