-You gotta be fucking kidding me with this new Rambo movie. This is the kind of movie that gets 100% of its financing from the Bulgarian mafia. Sylvester Stallone is made primarily of plaster-of-paris at this point. There’s one other problem with this movie. The original “First Blood”, which was about a traumatized Vietnam vet reacting to a bully sheriff like a wounded animal, was a really fucking good movie. Rambo didn’t WANT to fuck shit up. He was forced to. Now they’ve got him blowing shit up to Drowning Pool songs. Kinda goes against the spirit of the original.
-Last night’s game featured the Vikings in purple pants. They looked like gay Ravens.
-Nothing says the holidays quite like the word DUH. As in, “It’s obviousâ€¦ that these Hyundai ads are getting really fucking annoying. Shame on you, Jeff Bridges.”
-They showed Adrian Peterson’s dad in the stands last night. He looked about 2 years older than Purple Jesus. Which reminded me of this:
-I think I’ve had enough of Dewey Cox for right now. “Walk Hard” looks funny and all, but we’re getting into fucking “Bee Movie” terrain with this promotional shit.
-I know we rip on ESPN a lot here, but I thought last night’s telecast was pretty damn good. Yeah, the game was a total fucking abortion. But what was nice was that Tirico & Co. happily acknowledged it. One time after a Bears penalty (their 5,000th of the evening), Tirico blurted out, “This offense is AWFUL.” When the fuck did Mike Tirico become an interesting person? That sounded more like the Mike Tirico that wants to fuck women on top of cars. I want to get to know THAT Mike Tirico better.
-Apropos of nothing, I am far too liberal with wiper fluid. If there’s a particle of dust anywhere one the windshield, I fucking crank that shit for all it’s worth. I think I just really like watching it squirt out. I must be gay.
-Kyle Orton looked exactly like Martin from “Knocked Up” last night. No, Coach Smith, Kyle didn’t have pink eye. He was just really hiiiiiiiiiigh.
-I have a friend who has another friend who is roommates with Orton. Apparently, Orton was very displeased about the prospect of starting for the Bears, because it meant the end of the gravy train. He knows he isn’t good enough to be a pro QB, and that he looks far more appealing on the bench than in a real game. I love Kyle Orton.
-I find it funny that IBM’s new tagline is “Stop Talking. Start Doing,” yet their ads don’t sell any kind of actual product. In other words, they’re just bullshit. I’m not sure any company has spent more on advertising without actually selling something than IBM.
-One of the fun things about being a fan is, when my team plays well, I say to myself, “Holy shit! They’re fucking great! They’re never gonna lose!” Then the next week they play like shit and I say to myself, “God, they fucking SUCK. They’re never gonna get better unless they fire everyone. FUCK THEM.” I have no attention span at all, despite knowing better. But I think that’s what I LIKE about being a fan: The ability to turn on my team at the drop of a fucking hat. It’s really quite fun. My Vikings suck, by the way.
-I saw Krayzee Eyes Killah in a K-Mart ad last night. He did not ask the big blue light if he liked to eat pussy. Though I bet the blue light could do quite well down there, what with the illumination. He knows where he’s lickin’!
-They went through all the Bears QBs since McMahon last night. Each of them makes an excellent “Use an obscure player as a punchline” reference. Steve Stenstrom? Oh, that’s funny.
-There were black Viking fans!
-Brad Childress apparently showed the team a video of a group of water buffaloes scaring off a lion before the game. What better way to motivate the team than to ask them to emulate an animal so weak and pathetic it needs 30 of its kin to fend off ONE other animal.
-Look out! It’s the Fastest 3 minutes in sports! The highlights are shaking! They’re using filters to make the games look grainier! Oh my God, IT’S SO INTENSE!
-And you thought I overpraised Adrian Peterson. Holy shit, did he enter Favre and Vick territory last night. I’m surprised they didn’t have an ice sculpture of him in the booth with them. Jesus.
I want more like this!
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