If You’re Looking For Intercourse Under $300, You’ve Found The Right Man
Oh, hello there. Please, please. Come on in. Can I have Michelle take your coat? MICHELLE! Take this man’s coat, will you?
(girl wearing a beige body stocking takes your coat and smiles at you)
Can I have Leanna pour you a drink? Some port, perhaps? Excellent.
(pours you a glass of port)
Would you mind if I also partake? Oh, very well then!
(pours himself a glass of port)
Cheers to you, my new friend. Mmmm. Very nice. Very tawny. There’s a whole wildberry essence to it… very good. Well, let’s take a seat, shall we?
WHOA WHOA WHOA! Please, put that money away. You’ll present money to one of the ladies. We don’t handle it out in the open here. It’s very uncouth. Let us instead simply toast to a fine evening. Let us share a brief moment of civility. How are you? Are you feeling well? Are you a police officer?
No? Good. Did you know officers, by law, have to answer that last question honestly? Isn’t that interesting? Now, if you don’t mind, I need to have Tiny here pat you down. TINY!
(Tiny pats you down)
Well, that’s a relief! Now, let’s discuss some specifics. I understand you’re looking for intercourse, is that correct?
(You nod.)
Good! Because if you’re looking for intercourse under $300, you’ve found the right man. I offer premium quality at reasonable prices. And I am a stickler for customer service. We have evaluation forms you can fill out at the end of your session. Now, a couple of basic rules:
-You must pay your girl prior to the beginning of your session
-You must use a condom. We will provide them. We have flavored ones available upon request.
-You must take off your shoes before entering the room.
-Some girls do anal. Some do not. You must ask. No surprise visits, please.
-You will not receive a receipt.
-All sessions are audiotaped for quality assurance.
-No rough stuff.
Remember, these are ladies. Please treat them with the same respect you would treat your own mother when you ejaculate on their faces. Do you have any problem with any of these rules?
(You shake your head.)
Good. Tiny will be in the adjacent suite, lest things get too out-of-hand. But you don’t strike me as the unruly sort. Now. Let’s bring out the girls, shall we? GIRLS!
Chanel: I’m Chanel.
Chanel is very, very popular with our regulars. She’s very quick to pick up on what you like and what you don’t. She’s also works the shaft very well during blowjobs. Take it from me! I only ask that you not pull her hair, because it will come off if you do that.
Yvette: I’m Yvette.
Yvette comes to us from Taiwan. Very exotic. Very good with oils and lubricants. What she doesn’t know in English, she really makes up for with her enthusiasm for new and adventurous things, like a blowing you while riding a sybian machine.
Nene: I’m Nene.
Ah, Nene! One of our favorites. She hails from St. Thomas. Customers have been very quick to praise her ability to put them at ease. She’s very playful, Very friendly. Unless you don’t want her to be. She can get really nasty and tear your dick off if you want. But mostly, she’s very sunny.
Sasha: I’m Sasha.
Everyone always picks Sasha. Dunno why. Unfortunately, she’s booked until 2014. I’m sorry. She’s very in demand.
So anyway, there are your choices. Personally, I don’t think you can go wrong. I can personally attest to the fact that these women all have premium grade genitalia. No scarring or flappy lips of any kind. Only two of them have had children. So that’s very good.
So, who’s it gonna be?
(You think.)
Tough to decide, isn’t it? Well, take your time. No need to be hasty. Let us enjoy this port a little more.
The port is $50, by the way.
December 19th, 2007 at 12:59 pm
I’m so fucking confused right now.
In the meantime I’ll hang with Yvette, hell, I’ve got health insurance.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:05 pm
don’t you need the contrasting view of tavaris jackson’s escort service where he negotiates a $20 BJ out of a car like terrance howard in hustle & flow?
December 19th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Reggie Williams rips Chanel’s weave out after every Jags victory.
That’s how they get down at Wa U.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
seriously, if I’m paying for your weave/extensions/braids/perm I’m fucking that shit up.
It’s gonna break loose and get all twisted on your head. I’m gonna bust a nut on it.
and I don’t care if those payments are made on a weekly, monthly, hourly, or per song basis.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Thank God this is a football blog, or I’d be writing Nene jokes until Christmas.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:45 pm
That is one…classy…pimp! I feel completely at ease.
But the question remains: who’s the mystery John?
December 19th, 2007 at 1:46 pm
Also, glad to see Zeus is still working. My dream of a “Posse II” lives on.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Tony Romo’s Starfucker Ranch is much more popular.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:52 pm
I need Wade and Jerry. Bad.
The metroplex creamed it’s pants this morning as everyone discovered that 1 billionty trillion Cowboys made the probowl and frankly, I’m getting a littel sick to my stomach.
December 19th, 2007 at 1:59 pm
From what I hear, getting some at Wa U means you motorboat some hippie in her armpit hair.
//Semi-Bitter service academy grad
December 19th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
Someone should tell Silky that police do not have any obligation to answer that question truthfully, regardless of what he sees in movies.
December 19th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
Please treat them with the same respect you would treat your own mother when you ejaculate on their faces.
That was just fucking wrong. Funny as shit, but wrong.
December 19th, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Yvette is a big fan of Pearl Cream (stealing BDD’s joke from yesterday).
Also, her purple panty hose are freaking me out.
December 19th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
In the picture, just above the back of the head of the left Jag-wire, is that (half of) The Ghost of Babe Ruth’s Face?
(Yes, his face’s ghost is separate.)
December 19th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Tiny! Look at me when I talk to you!
December 19th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
Fellow DC readers,
Let me use this post as an opportunity to remind you that the unmarked bar on 14th and L above Ollie’s Trolley is – or was as of 2006 – a fully functioning brothel. It even has a smoke machine and a bar (no credit cards accepted).
Have fun, UM.
December 19th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Wait, is there more than one Ollie’s Trolley? Because the only one I know is across from Barnes & Noble at 12th & E.
Um, not that I care where the brothel is, I’m just amused that it would be across from a national chain bookstore and an ESPNZone. Then again, it’s probably great for business to be right across from an overpriced sports bar.
December 19th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
Someone should tell Silky that police do not have any obligation to answer that question truthfully, regardless of what he sees in movies.
Shhhhh… if the chicks at Honeys in Everett find out that little bit of information, no more “special” lapdances!
December 19th, 2007 at 4:56 pm
RE “She can get really nasty and tear your dick off if you want.”
Is “tear your dick off” code for something? Or are there guys who actually want their dicks torn off?
Just wondering.
December 19th, 2007 at 5:09 pm
Does Chanel come with Altoids, or do I need to provide my own?
December 19th, 2007 at 5:18 pm
BDD how can you hold a full time job while simultaneously coming up with such thoroughly executed and entertaining posts on a daily basis.
December 19th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
…dying to know what one types into Google Image to come up with such a diverse array of escorts.
December 19th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Slash-
Is “tear your dick off” code for something? Or are there guys who actually want their dicks torn off?
Not necessarily torn off, but pretty close.
BME Pain Olympics
Warning: Please do not click on that link.
Warning: Please do not click on that link.
December 19th, 2007 at 6:30 pm
I will take 2 of them and I will put them in a cup.
December 19th, 2007 at 8:51 pm
If he pats me down he’s going to find the magic “wand” i have for Sasha…
December 19th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Perhaps Garrard should donate a little more money to Crohn’s disease research and spend a little less on Pimp Juice. After all, if they had a cure, he’d probably have double the TDs and half the INTs he currently has. that shit’s gotta be uncomfortable.
http://www.ccfa.org
December 19th, 2007 at 11:31 pm
Rusty:
It’s across the street from the Washington Post building. Journos know it well.
December 20th, 2007 at 1:16 am
as far as I’m concerned, Yvette’s lack of proficiency involving the English language is a plus! I’d pay big bucks to spend time with a ho that has no idea how to say “They said my carburetor is broken. Can you pay to have it fixed?
December 20th, 2007 at 1:56 pm
RE BME Pain Olympics link; I accidentally did click on it (yeah, I’m kinda stupid sometimes) but then the window that came up said something about how I needed a certain video player or whatever.
Saved by outdated software. Whew, that was close.
I still think “tear your dick off” or anything close to that sounds really, really uncool. But I don’t have a dick, so I could be wrong.