Bring it in, gentlemen. Bring it in. I know I don’t usually address the team, but Coach Marinelli and I thought the occasion called for it. I wanted to look each of you men in the eye and let you know just how proud I am of you. That was a tremendous loss out there on Sunday. I’ve been a part of some really big losses ever since I got here, but this one was a real statement loss. It’s the kind of loss I think we can really not build on for the future.

You men surrendered your guts out there the other day. You left none of it out on the field. And I couldn’t be happier. When I got here a few years ago, I promised Mr. Ford that I would build him a loser. I even promised that within five years we would not win a championship. And you men have helped me keep that promise. You didn’t not back down from the Cowboys. You took the fight miles away from them. I’m especially proud of you, Jon Kitna. You sir, have the heart of a basement dweller.

But we can’t take this loss for granted. If we want to keep losing, we’re going to have to slack harder than ever. I’m talking about coming in late and leaving early EVERY SINGLE DAY. That’s what sets the foundation for losing tomorrow and in the future. I’m proud of how far you men haven’t come. When it comes down to it, you had an early season riddled with winning, but like all dreadful teams do, you found enervating, frustrating ways to shit the bed down the stretch. It was hard, but you overcame the urge to overcome. Goddamn, I love you guys so much, I want to fuck up your taxes for you.

Well, that’s all I wanted to say. Great loss. You guys have really not turned things around. I think we’ve got a real nondescript group of guys here. So let’s just keep it stopping. STOP LIONS!

Okay, men. Back to practice. I have to go clog the toilet.