You fools! Do you really think the next guy you hire will have the insanely huge ego to deal with those assholes in the locker room? Only the Bri has the brains, and the hair, to make that happen! Idiots! Only I know the secret to preventing Lewis from killing again. And there’s no way I’m telling you now! That’s your punishment for thinking you could go behind my back, or in front of my back, and fire me!

You know naught what you hath wrought, Ravens. I hope you like wearing chain mail.

Mister Commissioner, after seeing the Cleveland Browns eliminated from postseason play despite a very good 10-6 record, I think it’s time to re-evaluate how our playoff field is set. This is a long, hard season. These men fight tooth and nail for 16 weeks. Why should some teams be rewarded with playoff slots merely because they have the good fortune of residing in an inferior conference? And why should some teams be denied entrance merely because they are inferior?

This is why I think it’s best for the competitive interests of the game if we were to expand the playoff field to 28 teams. Now, I’m not saying this because the team I run, the Kansas City Chiefs, would qualify as the 28th seed in such a scenario. Far from it. Although we did have an EXCELLENT season given the circumstances. Don’t listen to the swarm of negativity out there, Commissioner. We have a great core of players, and I’m quite sure every personnel move I made was the exact right one and will be validated sometime within the next 37 years. No doubt about that.

No, I want to expand the field to 28 teams because it’s in the best interests of the fans. Haven’t Lion fans suffered long enough? 7-9 is a really good record for that team. They should be in. The Ravens nearly beat the Patriots! Are you telling me they don’t deserve a bid? That’s foolish. And what about the Falcons? After all they’ve been through? Surely they deserve a spot.

Now, not everyone should get into the playoffs. Like the Dolphins. Fuck them. Or the Rams. Fuck them. They totally suck. I’m all for only the elite teams making the postseason. And since I am among the elite general managers in all of sport, surely my team should be included as well. Doesn’t that make sense to you? WE HAVE JARED FUCKING ALLEN! THAT’S A PLAYOFF PLAYER RIGHT THERE!

I also think we should all get postseason bye weeks. Why should only the best teams get a week off? That’s an unfair competitive advantage. No, no, no. Everyone should get a week off. Then the top 4 teams get another bye, then the remaining 24 teams play each other. I think that’s really the best way to go. Though I think, given the Chiefs’ heritage and everything Lamar Hunt has done for the league, that perhaps we should receive one of those byes as well. Again, this is strictly in the interests of the fans. This is a better league when the Chiefs do well, even when they do not.

So let’s make that happen, Mr. Commissioner. Otherwise, I’ll have a hard time convincing people I’m not a complete fuckhead.

AFC 6th Seed — Tennessee Titans (10-6)

Gentlemen, I’m well aware that we are trying to qualify for the playoffs tonight, but I’m going to have to excuse myself for a moment. My quad is feeling a tad lugubrious this evening. I may have aggravated it ever so slightly yesterday at my salsa dancing class. Allow me to beg off for a few minutes. Don’t worry though, I shall pass the time in my period of serious injury by engaging in a series of vigorous calisthenics here on the sideline. First… ten Iroquois Twists, one hi-yi-yi… two-hi-yi-yi…. I beg your pardon? You are requesting my presence in the locker room for further medical care? No need for a wheelchair my good man, though severely injured I will gamely make that journey under my own power. Steady, steady….

[sprints to locker room in 5.9 seconds]

It appears that despite the dedicated ministrations of our able medical staff, my affliction persists unabated. O, cruel fate! I fear my playing days may be through. Let’s return to the field so I may observe firsthand Mister Collins’ performance in my stead.

[sprints back to field in two shakes of a lamb's tail]

It appears that under the besotted stewardship of Kerry Collins victory is assured. Huzzah, good sirrah! Don’t let the soup-line quality stubble and roguish sobriquet of “Cocktail Kerry” deceive you, this chap knows his way around the gridiron. I will celebrate our good fortune by spending the final four minutes of the games on the stationary bike recreating my recent journey down the bucolic Rappahannock Trail.

[pedals furiously for 30 minutes straight]

If you find yourself confronted with an NFL postseason without a rooting interest and unmoved by Don Cheadle soliloquies, you must draw from the well of that most powerful of human emotions. Ok, well, lust probably won’t do here. But the second most powerful, hate, will serve as a fine proxy. This is the first in a series of posts filled with bile, spleen, vitriol and all-around nastiness toward all the teams involved with the sordid roundelay we know as the NFL Playoffs.

NFC 6th Seed — Washington Redskins (9-7)

There are several factors that might make it difficult for me to root against the Redskins: the death of Sean Taylor, the fact that Shawn Springs went to my high school, that my mother, uncle and many of my friends are fans. But it is, in truth, not really all that hard at all.

There’s always the all-too-easy litany of charges against them: the megalomaniacal imp Dan Snyder (who blocks out other games in the time slot when the ‘Skins are on), the team’s racialist name, its fanbase of Blackberry-toting doucheocrats, the Dead Tree Crew and FedEx Field being a slightly more unpleasant experience than Dachau and about as easy to get to as the Kwik-E-Mart corporate headquarters.

If that doesn’t prove sufficient, I can always draw upon this chestnut: In January of 1992, when I was in 4th grade, the week before the Redskins beat the Bills in Super Bowl XXVI, my school had an assembly where we did nothing but sing “Hail to the Redskins” for an hour. ON LOOP. FOR A FUCKING HOUR. The song is less than two minutes long. Such is the torpor-based education you get in public schooling in Maryland, I s’pose.

Did you know they won their playoff clinching game by 21 points? And that Sean Taylor wore the number 21? You know who’ll be sure to remind me? The woman who rings up my groceries. The UPS guy. The guy who hits me changing lanes on the Beltway. My drug dealer. Someone looking at DVDs next to me at Best Buy. The stick up kid who steals the DVD from me when I leave the store. The cop who takes my statement. The guy at the gun store. The people who I rob when I turn into a vigilante.

I can’t believe this! We go 10 and fucking 6 for the first time since I don’t even know when, and we get knocked out of the playoffs all because those pansyass Titans got to play the scout team for the Colts’ scout team? This is such BULLSH…

Oh my God! Oh my God! Someone left a sock lying on the ground! It’s mine! IT’S MINE!!!!!

(gets sock)

God, I love socks. This one looks like it was in the gutter for a bit!

What was I saying? Oh yeah. The fact that such an inspirational season ended this way is horseshit! How can the Browns be sitting at home when the 9-7 Redskins get to go? The fucking Redskins? That fucking NFC, man. It’s so arbi…

HOLY SHIT, THAT MAN OVER THERE THREW THE END OF HIS HOT DOG BUN ON THE GROUND! GIMME GIMME GIMME!!!!

(scarfs it up)

Oh, yeah. Oh, YEAH. That is a treat and a half.

(licks balls)

Can someone scratch my belly? It’s been ages since I had me a good belly scratching.

This is a very sad day to be a Browns fan. But this has been a season of hope, and I am not going to lose hope now. We have a great young team and the foundation is set for…

A FUCKING UPS GUY? WHERE?! LET’S GO GET HIM! LET’S GO EAT HIS ASSHOLE OUT!

(panting)

YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM THE DOOR, UPS GUY. STAY AWAY OR I WILL CLAMP DOWN ON YOUR PANT LEG LIKE ROSEANNE BARR ON A FRESH COCK.

What was I saying? Oh yeah, I really liked what I saw from Derek Anderson. He’s a real leader, and…

(sees female Browns fan)

MATE MATE MATE!

(runs after female Browns fan with cock out)

(jumps on top of female Browns fan and forcibly enters her)

Well, I guess the season didn’t end THAT bad.

(sniffs)

Oh my God! Iiiiiiiiiiit’s bacon! Only one thing smells like bacon, and that’s BACON! Where where where is it? Bacon bacon bacon bacon!

(sniffs)

Mister, show me what’s in the bag! PLEASE!!!!

IT’S BACON!

Are you telling me that this year’s playoffs will not feature F–k Da Eagles Heather? Well, that is a true American tragedy. I don’t even know how we even begin to recover. The Federal government hasn’t given us ANY sort of guidance on this. There are thousands of football fans stranded out there, with no tits in sight. Who will come to their rescue? Who will provide them with the support, preferably and ample B cup or higher, that they so desperately need?

This is a call to all you mildly attractive female football fans of this year’s playoff teams out there. You need to pick da team that you think should get fucked. Then, you must visibly demonstrate on your chest your commitment to da principle that da team you pick deserves good, hard fucking. Then you need to get yourself on FOX. They say they don’t condone that sort of thing. But really, they can’t get enough of it. They love it when fans want one team to fuck another.

So hurry, with all due diligence. We need it. Please help.

This is Garo Yepremian, former kicker for the ‘72 Dolphins, part-time Joe Garagiola impersonator, and the ra-ra retard who used Super Bowl VII as a showcase for his Brian Boitano-esque throwing style. Well apparently, Garo isn’t all too pleased with the Patriots going 16-0. And he still believes they have much to prove. And if anyone has a right to talk trash about the Patriots, it’s some shithead kicker who lucked into a spot on a undefeated Super Bowl team.

“We were the first ones to climb Mount Everest,” Yepremian said late Saturday. “If New England comes and does it, then they can be the second ones. But you usually don’t remember No. 2. I remember Sir Edmund Hillary was the first one to climb Mount Everest. I don’t remember who did it the second time. Do you?”

That would be Tenzing Norgay, the man who accompanied Hilary. Oh, and you’re an idiot. Go home and work on your bobbling technique, Garo. Or why not root for the Patriots now instead? After all, Patriot fans are completely insufferable douchebags who spend their days wolfing down cum-soaked fruitcake. I’m sure you’ll fit right in with them.

That’s right, God. Sorry, you can’t do it. We defy you to try, but it’s futile. An undefeated season is inevitable now. We guarantee it. Might as well start playing that annoying music from “The Departed” on loop in heaven.

I’d like to thank the Giants for pissing away their playoff chances for my entertainment this evening. Already, they’ve lost a linebacker and an offensive lineman. And a really, really dumb challenge.

Still, there’s something to be said for running into this brick wall of a game head first and trying to knock it down. Yeah, the task appears futile, but those in the vicinity appreciate the spectacle.

This is the Maj reporting LIVE from a cubicle with limited internet connectivity! Fortunately the email system operates on a different server, so I can still get my picks to you, the gullible masses.

Welcome to the final regular season edition of Always Be Covering. It’s week 17 and that means it’s time for the true coverers to earn their coffee. Lots of playoff teams are going to be resting their starters (bitches) so some of the games are going to be total crap shoots, but if I let that stop me then I never would have become such an amazing craps player. So join me for a few rolls of the dice, just don’t crap out on us. On to the picks!

New England -13.5 at New York Giants

ed. note: The Maj is out of town this weekend and thus he was unable to place this bet in time, which is cool because it saved him 50 bucks.

All that stands between the Patriots and regular season perfection is Eli “Double Yellow” Manning.

Jesus.Buttfucking.Christ.

This is going to happen people, there’s really no way around it. Finally I’ll be able to use that fallout shelter I built before Y2K. Sadly it’s little more than a hole in the ground filled with Little Debbie Oatmeal Crème Pies and hardcore Estonian pornography (don’t let the cherubic smile fool you, Debbie is down with the filthy stuff).

Tennessee -4.5 at Indianapolis

Jim Sorgi’s heart only beats between three and five times per minute. Once the playoffs are over he’s going to be an understudy in the summer stock rendition of Nosferatu.

Chicago +1 vs. New Orleans

Who knows when I’ll every be able to bet on Kyle Orton again? Perhaps not until he retires to found the Professional Flip Cup Association with Chris Cooley and Ben Roethlisberger

San Diego -8.5 at Oakland

JaMarcus is making his first career start and the Chargers still have something left to play for. LaDanian should be sitting by halftime which should leave plenty of time for Michael Turner to break the single game rushing record.

Alright everybody, enjoy the last weekend of regular season football for a really long fucking time. Savor it people, you won’t get to see the Panthers and Falcons for another nine months. By the time that comes around you could have a kid! So remember, watch a lot of football and keep a wire hanger on hand…just in case.