Wade: Hoo boy! My goodness! What a barnburner of a win! I reckon we’re doin’ pretty good tryin’ to salt this division away. I’m real proud of those kids out there. They’re doin’ a heckuva job. And, I must say, I think I’m going to celebrate just a little today with my favorite lunch in the whole wide world.


My my my. That is one good-looking chili dog. Haven’t had one of these in ages. But you did good yesterday, ol’ Wade. You deserve to treat yourself. This might be my favorite food in the world. It’s got a hot dog, with chili right on top! Imagine bein’ able to use meat as a condiment! What a country!

(takes a bite, a small bit falls onto his shirt)

Oh, dag gummit! Well, if that ain’t just the raccoon beatin’ down my doorstep. I better get a hold of some club soda and try and wash this fella out best I can.

What’s the rumbling sound?

(door flies open)


Jerry: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWW!!!!! MOUNT UP, YOU BIG FAT HEAP OF DONKEY SHIT!!!!!

Wade: Oh, God dammit.

Jerry: Did you see what my boy ROMO did out there yesterday, you big fat manatee? FOUR touchdown passes, all on the Broadway stage!

Wade: Actually, the game was played in Jersey, sir.

Jerry: Jersey, Broadway… It’s all the same shit to me, Buffet Buster! Just a bunch of meatheads with funny accents and queers with lip rings!

Wade: Sir, if you don’t mind, I’m tryin’ to eat my lunch.

Jerry: Good God, what the fuck are you eatin’, Florence Tubbingale? Is that a chili dog? You know what kind of nitrates are in that, Sir Francis Bacon? You may as well eat shit right from a man’s muddy asshole! Then sop the buttjuice up with Wonder Bread!

Wade: I’m trying to eat, sir!

Jerry: Not anymore, you ain’t! (throw chili dog away) Listen, Fatty. I’ve been thinking about things. And it’s clear to me that the reason my boy ROMO isn’t an A-list worldwide superstar at this very instant is because YOU are draggin’ him down!

Wade: He threw 4 TD’s yesterday!

Jerry: (takes off ten-gallon hat, hits Wade with it) I’m not talkin’ about football, Mount Foodji! I’m talking about appearances! How can my boy ROMO be revered when his lazy fatass of a coach is sittin’ over on the sideline sucking on a chili dog like a French whore on rent day? It’s time to teach your sorry fat ass some MANNERS! To teach you in the art of bein’ a real gentleman! And I know just the man to help you!

(door opens)


Garrett: (singing)
Do mi re fa mi sol fa la sol ti la do ti re do!
Do la ti sol la fa sol mi fa re mi do re ti do!

Jerry: That is gorgeous! Is that one one of them eye-talian operettas?

Garrett: Oh ho ho ho! Heavens no, Mr. Jones! Those are my alternate, skipped scales. Ascending and descending, of course. One cannot call himself an educated man without properly knowing his solfege! Helps keep the diaphram elastic. I’m sure the portly gentleman here knows all about elastic.

Wade: Hey!

Garrett: I know my other fine vocal tune-ups as well, Mr. Jones. Like this one: My momma makes me mash my M & MMMMMMMMMMMM’s!

Jerry: Whoa, that is some crazy shit right there!

Garrett: The alliteration helps the soft palate, sir. It’s all about the soft palate. Again, I’m sure Barbara Cook here knows all about mashed M&M’s.

Wade: This is ridiculous! I don’t need to be taught to be a gentleman!

Jerry: Wrong, Brunhilda! Some proper etiquette training from Princeton boy here is just what we need to help get my boy ROMO to the top!

Wade: Oh, for Pete’s sake. Fine. Fine, I’ll do whatever you want.

Garrett: Great. We shall begin this very night. Kindly meet me in my study at 8:00PM sharp this evening. And try not to bring the baggage of your agrarian upbringing with you. And don’t wear burlap overalls, as I assume you do in your casual time.

Wade: I won’t.

Jerry: Well, I’m glad we’re getting’ you moving in the right direction, Chief Nougat. NOW IT’S TIME FOR A LITTLE HOGTYIN’!

Wade: What?!

Jerry: TIME TO HOGTIE YOUR FAT ASS!!! WAAAHOOOOOO!!!

(ties up Wade with twine, stuffs tomato in Wade’s mouth)

Wade: Mmmmfff! Mmmfff mfffmf mfff!!!

Jerry: My goodness! Look at him, all tied up like that! Makes me want to have a team luau! How you feel about roastin’ over an open flame, little piggy?

Wade: Mmffff!!! Mff! Mfmfmmfffff!!!!

Garrett: How wonderful!

Jerry: TIME TO EAT, BOYS! YEEHAW!!! YIP YIP YIP!!!! HOLY DOGSHIT I AM FUCKING CRAZY!!!!

Part II next week