Today is Day Three of Unsilent “If the Colts lose two in a row I’ll give up masturbation for a month” Majority’s attempt to go a month without masturbating, and we’re eager to catalogue his adventure. You know, for posterior. Er, posterity.

Being the good friend that I am, I checked up on ol’ Maj today.

Me: Hey Maj, how you holdin’ up? I masturbated AND had sex yesterday, and I’m already kinda horny again. I don’t know how you’re doing it.
Maj: die

I’d say he’s doing pretty well, all things considered. Just four more weeks to go!

The rest of us in the Gay Mafia have been wondering what might be kicking around in UM’s fantasies, and we enlisted the help of fifth Beatle Dan V. to bring some ideas to life. For example, here’s pre-preggers Halle Berry with preggers Halle Berry’s cleavage:

Alicia Keys with a crop of green to be smoked:

(Substitute Alicia for Miss Gossip and the pot for a wall of scotch, and it’s suddenly a Captain Caveman fantasy.)

Maj also harbored countless schoolboy fantasies about the Baroness from G.i Joe. Just imagine if she took the Redskins’ coaching woes into her own hands:

Former Cowboys cheerleader and occasional sex scene star Sarah Shahi sports some vintage Air Jordans:

And finally…

Our collective imagination is not only exceptionally twisted, it’s also terrifyingly accurate. Good luck holding out, Maj. Stay strong.