This is old news, but I’d like to talk for a moment about Larry Craig, that one Senator who was busted in the airport for trying to score a quick layover motorboating. I don’t give a shit about the politics of Craig’s situation. What I care about is the fact that, in order to get laid, all Craig had to do is hop on the Internet, find a good “hot spot”, then walk into a shitter and tap his feet.

Are you fucking shitting me? That is AWESOME.

I wish I were gay.

Seriously, you gay men have it so easy, it makes me sick. I spent 20 long goddamn years trying to score with a girl before at last succeeding. And even then, it wasn’t all that great. (I blame her.)

But you, Dorothy, you can just stroll into a restroom or a local park, click your heels together, and PRESTO! A fresh cock is yours in no time. It’s like goddamn magic. We heterosexual men, we have to wine ladies, and dine ladies, and listen to them talk for hours on end about what a dick their LAST boyfriend was. And then maybe, just maybe, we get a reluctant blowjob. But you, Johnny Cakes, you don’t have to do any of that shit. You want a hot cock tonight? No problemo! You don’t even have to talk to other guy. He just strolls in, ready to bang. For free!

That is such bullshit.

We hetero gents have always dreamed of a day when women are just as horny and unselective about who they bang as we are. There are, of course, some women like that. But those women are sluts, okay? Totally undesirable. We heterosexual men need women who understand just how deep and depraved our libidos are, and are happy to indulge it. But you Just Jacks never have to worry about that. Your women ARE men! They totally get it! They’re into the latex thing! Is that worth suffering through a 100 Stonewalls? Fuck and yes.

So think about how blessed you are, gays of the world. You get more of the sex and none of the effort. You lucky bastards.

Your Meast of the Week is Matt Birk and the Vikings’ o-line.


On Sunday, they opened holes wider than Larry Craig’s bruised asshole, helping the Vikings tally almost 400 yards rushing. An incredible effort by Birk, Steve Hutchinson, Ryan Cook, and Anthony Herrera (but not Bryant McKinnie. He blows). And terribly exciting to behold. But it’s no Cock On Demand, I tell you.