The Meast of the Week column, as much as the members of the Gay Mafia try to shrug it off onto someone else, is actually one of the least restrictive features we have on this site. This is saying a lot, because as far as I know we don’t really have any rules or regulations other than incorporating the word “fag” into a post whenever traffic lags.

But the Meast is fun: just rant about something non-NFL related for a couple paragraphs, then write “This week’s meast is…” and you’re done.

I volunteered for the Meast this week because I’ve got the week off from both The Prelude because of Thanksgiving and from my social life because I’m in Southern Maryland. Problem is, nothing really struck me as worthwhile to write about. This ugly streak of moderate career satisfaction means that I’m just not angry enough to rant about things that piss me off. So instead of a rage-fueled rant, here follows a cornucopia — nay, a horn o’ plenty! — of Measty topics that I passed over because they were too petty, entirely indefensible, or just made me sound like more of a douche than I already am.

- Reasons why full-time paid blogging isn’t as fun as sneaking it in at work as an anonymous office drone

- Thanksgiving football games always suck

- Why do we perform scientific experiments on rats and rabbits when we have perfectly useless humans?

- Fuck Panera Bread. Who blocks YouTube and Blogger?

- Things that are more boring than college basketball

- Okay, ladies. You wanna prove you like the NFL? Make out with that chick.

- Big Daddy Drew’s formula for disliking something (Step 1: Find something similar yet less heralded. Step 2: Declare less heralded thing better. Step 3: Add profanity. Step 4: Disagree? Douchebag!)

- Listen, Grandma, I’m not gonna write thank you notes any more

- I try to be open-minded, but I just don’t like a finger in my asshole

- Even IF Maurice Morris got a blowjob from a random guy in Manhattan and ate that guy’s ass, that wouldn’t make me cheer for him any less

- Ya know who’s attractive enough for me to screw? Pretty much anyone famous with a vagina.

- Corner Creek: the most amazing bourbon you’ve never heard of

- A complete exposure of The Big Lead: his name and previous writing jobs, his challenging career as a news editor at People Magazine, and a link to his New York Times wedding announcement. He and his husband look so happy.

- Blowjobs are overrated. Really great, but overrated.

- Being in Hawaii: not a legitimate reason to wear a Hawaiian shirt

This week’s meast is the Cardinals’ Antrel Rolle. Like Antonio Cromartie last week, he had three interceptions. Unlike that pussy Cromartie, he took each one of them back to the house – only an unnecessary illegal block kept the last one from counting in the record books.

But you know what’s more real than the record books? A weekly blog award named after a made-up word. That is fucking edgy.