Hey! Hey, guys! Yeah, I’m here on the FIELD! Boy, there sure are a lot of people out here! These guys out here are playing FOOTBALL! Sure looks like they’re working really hard!

Ow! I bumped my head on the microphone again!

I tell you what, Dick. These players are really fired up! I think they’re really happy they just scored! Boy, you can really feel the enthusiasm down here! Sometime I like to touch my taint and then smell it!

I think it’s kinda windy out here. Wind confuses me, because it’s invisible!

I was gonna go talk to one of the coaches during halftime but he was too far away!

Joe Buck is a fag, guys! Am I right or what?

I don’t know how you guys hear me up there. IT MUST BE BECAUSE I TALK REAL LOUD!

I think they’re barbecuing nearby! Boy, I sure could go for some food, because I’m fat, and FOX hired me because they think all their viewers are braindead Jersey assholes! You know, sometimes I get Elmer’s Glue and vanilla frosting confused!

The team doctor said I should keep my helmet on during retirement!

Ow! I stared at the sun for too long again!

Oh! Oh! I think a player just got hurt! Boy, that looked bad! He’s limping! And now he’s walking around the bench! And now he’s eating stray pretzel bits. And I think his wing is messed up! Wait, wait, wait. I’m sorry, Dick. That’s actually a bird, and not a player. My bad! This job is HARD!

If you roll a pencil up in your foreskin, it looks like you stuck a pencil through your peepee! Tee hee hee!

Those cheerleaders have big boobies! I like to bite them when they aren’t suspecting it!

Ow! I tried walking through a wall again. Sometimes I try and act like I’m The Thing!

I tell you what, guys, that #56 out there is one tough player! He’s hitting people, and he’s being hit, and he keeps trying to get the ball! That’s my kind of player!

Quaterbacks are pussies. Except for Brett Favre. He’s Siragusa tough! And Tom Brady. And Peyton Manning. And Tony Romo. And about 30 other guys!

You know what would be cool? If the defenders had lasers!

Ow! I licked the hot dog roller again!

Back to you, Dick!