Tonight is the NFC’s low-rent answer to the Patriots and Colts. How low-rent? Half the fucking country, including this writer, can’t watch it because it’s on the NFL Network. So, thanks again, Comcast for giving me an Ice Bowl-worthy Icy Mike and raising my rates. At the very least, I’ll miss three hours of announcer fluffing for Brett Farve and Tony Romo. One foolproof way to keep up with the score for tonight’s contest is to crack a window and listen for Peter King orgasmic cries. A clue: the ones for Favre are in a slightly lower register. Anyway, Who Ya Got?

Contestants

Brett Favre_________________Tony Romo

Current Story Arc

Better than EVAH?______________Smiles, though his heart his aching

Sesame Street character

Prarie Dawn_______________Guy Smiley

New BFF

Media that has clearly always disdained him_____Terrell Owens, Sophia Bush

Spends free time

Voting for Mr. Splashy Pants________perfecting Romo Mind Tricks

Finishing move

Only PK and Mr. Hat know for sure________________Chasing the dragon