EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY – Tom Brady Knee Bounty Increased To $60, Plus Free Goodie Bag!
Well, well, well, NFL defenders. You had 9 nine weeks to fuck up Tom Brady’s knee and collect my bounty. But I see you were just too dignified and sportsmanlike to get the job done on the field. Well, that’s a fucking disgrace.
But I am nothing if not persistent. This week’s is the Patriots’ bye week, and it presents a perfect opportunity to kneecap this pretty bastard as he enjoys his leisure time. I happen to have come across a copy of Brady’s bye week itinerary. He’ll be in New York with that floozy of a Brazilian girlfriend of his all week. Tomorrow, they plan on window shopping in SoHo. What perfect opportunity for you to injure Mr. Wonderful and collect my money. IF YOU’VE GOT THE BALLS. Just picture it: one minute, our friend is delighting at the sweet treats in the window of Jacques Torres Chocolate Haven. The next minute, BOOM! A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass, rupturing vital arteries and teaching him an important lesson in humility. Do you have the steely determination to carry this out? I don’t like what you’ve shown me so far.
And I’ve got an extra treat waiting for you if you pull this off, Mr. Defender Man. Last week, I threw in a bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. But this week, I’m going all out. I get it. You’re a celebrity now. Money is no longer as thrilling as it once was. Well, I know one thing no celebrity can resist. A GOODIE BAG!!!!
Aw, yeah. Feast your eyes. No celebrity can resist the siren song of free shit wrapped in tissue paper and then stuffed inside a decorative paper bag. It’s fun! It’s tax-free! It’s an incredible insult to working class Americans! No one can deny the appeal of that. Tara Reid has lived off of gift bags alone since 2002. Your gift bag will include the following items:
-Reese’s Cups
-Bottle of Stetson (for ironic purposes)
-Two day stay at Rancho Relaxo
-Free Movado watch
-Home pedicure set
-5 Lottery scratch tickets
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
-? (mystery item!)
-? (another mystery item!)
-? (yet another mystery item!)
-? (mystery item that’ll really make you cream your jeans!)
And if that’s not enough, we’re raising the bounty… TO SIXTY DOLLARS!!!!!
God, look at that. One fifty and one ten. Or get three twenties. Or six tens. Or twelve fives. But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit.
Your move, NFL defenders. It’s Tom Brady’s week off. But a week becomes a year so easily. All you need is a Louisville Slugger and an iron will.
Tags: 10 bucks says purple jesus blows out his knee on sunday, Big Daddy Drew, bounties, cheering for injuries
November 6th, 2007 at 4:44 pm
Fuck gisele, says Leo DeCaprio. Check out Leo’s new girlfriend, I think her name is Bar Rafaelli or something. She is absolutely gorgeous.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
Rafaeli.
http://imstars.aufeminin.com/stars/fan/D20060719/2612_376899361_bar2_H173849_L.jpg
November 6th, 2007 at 4:46 pm
If “Silverback” James Harrison continues to play anything like he did last night, Brady will injure himself the night before the Steelers/Patriots game.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
travis
Ok.
Also, please God, take Brady’s life. But make it something stupid so no one feels sorry for him. Like beating an old lady and then her shooting him in the face point blank. That way, we won’t have to listen to memories and shit all day, such as those presented for Mr. Benoit McDouchery.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:47 pm
I’m thinking the Ufford sex tape might be a deal breaker for some.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
-Free test trial sample of new Glaxosmithkline anemia pill
-Matt Ufford sex tape
Know your base.
November 6th, 2007 at 4:48 pm
is purple jesus going to blow out his knee for our sins or just as like, a magic trick?
November 6th, 2007 at 4:51 pm
Donte Whitner of the Bills already took Chad Johnson out, let’s hope he reads KSK.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
I wanted to make a Casper/Caveman joke but couldn’t find any good material…
But this is much better.
http://www.bigdogzink.com/images/S4020981.JPG
November 6th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
A fucking Lincoln Navigator pins him right against the glass
Good thing the master pastry chef installed those SUV-resistant windowns
November 6th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
Question, BDD: Are those 5 lottery scratch tickets the $1 variety or the high rolling $2, maybe even $5 variety ?
November 6th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
is eli in the ufford sex tape?
November 6th, 2007 at 5:24 pm
any denomination you’d like. just keep in mind that it’s coming out of the 60 bucks.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:25 pm
will from deadspin wants to know
November 6th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Good thing the master pastry chef installed those SUV-resistant windowns
Jacques Torres leaves nothing to chance.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:33 pm
The stay at Rancho Relaxo is only good if it includes free hang-gliding with Troy McClure.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Robert Mathis had multiple shots, and he chose to tackle high. I hope he enjoys his Lady Byng Trophy… OH WAIT. Wrong sport.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I keep saying Losman is going to get him. Either that or Anthony Hargrove. Dude needs the $60 to make up for his suspension. Two weeks Sunday 8:15, Buffalo ends the streak, everything ends in Buffalo.
November 6th, 2007 at 5:58 pm
All he needs to do is get caught making out with an olsen twin and let gisele collect the $60 - and while she’s at it, she should should pull the goalie on brady as well.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:00 pm
Is it ok if i use my 1990 Pontiac Bonnivile to do the job? or does it specifically hav to be a Lincoln.
November 6th, 2007 at 6:03 pm
Off topic:
Paging Ottoman: do I pick up Priest or Kolby Smith to replace LJ?
November 6th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
Get the NYC cabbies involved. That might be the easiest way to maim the smug fuck. They’ll do it for a lot less than $60
November 6th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
I though Tara Reid was the goodie bag nowadays?!
November 6th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
Drew, if you think some mook from NYC is going to purposefully cripple a sports celebrity from Boston for nothing more than a wad a cash and the pure hate in his heart……then you are an excellent judge of character.
Three cheers of heinous assault!!!
November 6th, 2007 at 6:31 pm
If Purple Jesus can hear this…please spead the word to NFL defenders that Mr. Color Me Badd needs to get severely maimed.
If only Vick was still in the league, he could sick his bloodthirsty hell spawn on Pretty Boy up there. See that’s what you get when you go after the dogfighting promoter.
And where the hell are my slappy titties?
November 6th, 2007 at 6:40 pm
And where the hell are my slappy titties?
On your chest.
November 6th, 2007 at 7:00 pm
are the lottery tickets pre-scratched?Or perhaps valid from last year?
November 6th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
what exactly distinguishes “slappy” titties from “non-slappy” ones?
November 6th, 2007 at 7:21 pm
Priest. He will definately be the goalline back as shown by last weeks dive in the endzone for 2 points. Also, experience wins this week. He seems healthy enough for a week or two.
November 6th, 2007 at 10:09 pm
Jones vs Wade is funny, but this shit?
Not by a long shot.
Keep it simple, stupid
November 6th, 2007 at 11:12 pm
Who is dressing Brady these days by the way? First a pageboy cap, then a black velvet blazer with a white pocket square? Christ.
November 6th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
“But don’t ask me to pay you in singles. Go to Pacman Jones for that shit.”
I almost pissed myself laughing on that one….that is comedy gold brother.
November 7th, 2007 at 2:22 am
I hear Jay Z would do it for Euros.
November 7th, 2007 at 11:38 am
Screw Whitner, its all about week 12. Pats vs. Eagles, featuring the the scourge of QB knees everywhere, Kimo von Oelhoffen!!!!
November 7th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
If there’s any justice, Purple Jesus will run over AJ Hawk in Bo Jackson/The Boz fashion.
SKOL!
November 8th, 2007 at 4:56 am
Sultry pout, hoodie, and blazer? I feel like I’ve seen that look before….
January 22nd, 2008 at 11:35 am
I bet Shane Stant could use the work. Brady can roll around on the ground afterwards crying “why me?… why me?”