Holy shit, tomorrow’s December? Thanksgiving was last week? Where the hell did my NFL season go?

The Bengals didn’t even flirt with .500 and a playoff run before shitting the bed. Nobody wrote about the Madden Curse coming to fruition 500 times. I feel cheated.

But there’s a little bit of the season left to enjoy. The Patriots have that whole “Will they do it?” thing going on, a couple teams will put together late playoff runs, and a handful of games will be played in the snow, and snow automatically makes any game the best game on TV.

The one bad thing about cold weather games? The cheerleaders get all bundled up and stand on the sidelines in ear warmers and windbreakers. It’s like getting a handjob. You put up with it for a few minutes, then you’re like, “Goddammit, don’t bother.”

That’s why I applaud the Jets Flight Crew for pulling off cold weather sexy. You don’t have to show skin if you keep the clothing tighter than the little girl from the DLP commercials with the elephant and mirrors and crap.

Although there’s still something to be said for football in warmer locales…

Apparently, there’s a big writers’ strike going on in Hollywood right now. You mean there are writers who get paid? Well, what the fuck are THEY bitching about? Nick Denton pays me in Dave and Busters tokens and old packets of Sizzlean. Such bullshit.

Anyhoo, reader Mamacita was kind enough to pass along this link to Project Redlight, which is Radar magazine’s contest to pitch the worst movie idea you possibly can. Jesus, we at KSK were BORN for this contest. I myself have written no less than four terrible screenplays. One was about a fireman who gets accidentally reunited with a son of his that was born after raping a woman he rescued. It was not a comedy. You don’t want to read it.

Another one was about a boy who could fly. That one was crazy gay. Then there was my treatment for a holiday fable entitled, “The Christmas Orc”. Hey, there are elves at the North Pole. What if there were orcs too? It’s “Santa Claus: The Movie” meets “The Two Towers”! All in stop-motion animation! We could have the queer who made “Nightmare Before Christmas” do it! The dipshits at Ain’t It Cool News would write a glowing 10,000-word review of it, 9,500 of which would detail how they got to the theater!

Anyway, those ideas aside, we at KSK brainstormed some of our bestest movie ideas evar. Here is what we came up with:

-Joe Namath biopic starring Jake Gyllenhaal

-Andy Dick biopic

-”SSW: The Motion Picture”

-”Shrek the Third 2″

-10-hour documentary on the Jesus Twins

-A tennis academy full of midgets

-”Riding In Cars With Boys 2,” starring Brady Quinn

-“The Amy Winehouse Story,” starring Tracy Morgan

-Remake of “Fraternity Vacation” starring Breckin Meyer

-“The Maroon 5 Story”

-A smack addled privileged young chimp finds love in an upscale California rehab center/spa/dianetics center falls in love with Lindsay Lohan (playing herself) after a romp in the broom closet. It is the single dirtiest sex scene in cinematic history. Robin Williams and Charlize Theron are attached as the chimp’s parents.

-“Baby Geniuses 3,” starring Ted McGinley!

-“Joe Theismann’s Tourgasm”

-“Alien vs. Predator vs. Abbot vs. Costello”

-“Ron Paul’s Dracula”

-“K Street: The Motion Picture”

-Will Leitch in “Lose Ben Stein’s Money, And Your Fiancee”

-What about a pregnant lesbian that can no longer play acoustic guitar after losing her hand in a deforestation protest involving a wood chipper that has to fight for her baby’s well being atop Mt. Everest?

-“NFL Draft The Movie”

-“Don’t Tase Me Bro: the Musical”

-Another Paul Thomas Anderson film that isn’t “Boogie Nights”

-”My Life As A Teenage Assistant Manager”

-“Clint Evans: A Life”

-”Wasssssssup! The Movie!”

-”Arabian Night Rider”

-”See, my - my theory is that all the characters ARE Hamlet! It’s all happening in Hamlet’s head! So you only need ONE actor!”

-“Small Wonder: V.I.C.I. Grows Up”

-James Woods is… Pinnochio!

-A remake of “Eyes Wide Shut” (it’s been long enough!)

-Jack Nicholson, Mickey Rooney, and George Takei in “The Lemon Party”!

-”Die Hard”, on a carousel!

-Britney Spears in “Strip Tease II: Give Me Some Money And I’ll Put the Clothes Back On”

-A horror movie about Bads Newz Kennelz! It’s “Jaws” meets “Tales from the Hood”!

-“The Virgin Diaries,” a biopic centering on the life and career of AC Green. It’s “40 Year Old Virgin” meets “Basketball Diaries!”

-“The Isiah Trial.” It’s “Disclosure” meets “Asstraffic.com”!

-Modern version of “Mein Kampf” starring Bill Simmons

-”The Dickens Cider House Rules”

-Merchant-Ivory biopic. The story of how boring melodramas were made

That’s all we got. Yours in the comments.

NOTE: UM is forgoing his normal gambling post this morning to write a Sean Taylor tribute for the weekend. You’ll have to make your retarded wagers on your own.

Seriously, man. I am the biggest g0ddamn gossip hound you ever saw. I just love Hollywood news. I follow it religiously because I have to be in tune with the “industry.” If some starlet with lots of money and no real frame of reference on life breaks up with some fuckhead lead singer for some edgy band that I’ve never heard of, then I want the fucking SCOOP! And if there was an ice cream flavor named Maggie Gyllenhaal, you can bet your sweet ass that I’d…I don’t really have an ending for that. But if I coulda worked in a callback with “scoop,” it probably woulda been pretty awesome. Whoa.

No, so anyway, Variety.com is reporting that Maggie’s brother, Joey Gyllenhaal has been tapped to play the lead in a motion picture about Joe Namath’s life. You might remember Jack from that gay cowboy movie that was up for a bunch of awards a couple years ago, but it lost the Best Picture Oscar to that one movie where Matt Damon fingers that one chick during that traffic stop. But then, like she saw some dog in the road and flipped her SUV and so he had to rescue her from that burning car, so everything was cool after that.

But seriously, Fred Gyllenhaal is an amazing actor, and I’m sure this movie is going to be the bee’s elbow. I mean, it’s Joe Namath! I just hope that he gets that part locked up, and that he doesn’t end up on one of those horrible Hollywood magazine shows with a DUI or something. Man, I’m glad this kinda stuff doesn’t happen in sports.

Tonight is the NFC’s low-rent answer to the Patriots and Colts. How low-rent? Half the fucking country, including this writer, can’t watch it because it’s on the NFL Network. So, thanks again, Comcast for giving me an Ice Bowl-worthy Icy Mike and raising my rates. At the very least, I’ll miss three hours of announcer fluffing for Brett Farve and Tony Romo. One foolproof way to keep up with the score for tonight’s contest is to crack a window and listen for Peter King orgasmic cries. A clue: the ones for Favre are in a slightly lower register. Anyway, Who Ya Got?

We really enjoyed having the Meast named after a different person every year. Being the Steve Irwin Memorial Meast of the Week was a different honor entirely than being the Kevin Everett Meast of the Week, y’know?

That all ends today, though. This week’s Meast is Sean Taylor, and with it he deservedly reclaims the name that was his all along. We salute you, original man-beast. Or moist yeast, or whatever the word’s origins are.

So, to recap: from here on out it’s the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast Award, though we’ll leave the door open for secondary sponsorship: the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast punched to you by Chuck Norris; the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast survived by Bear Grylls; the Sean Taylor Memorial Meast built by the Home Depot. You get the idea.

From time to time, KSK has reeled in big-name NFL players and analysts to answer questions from fans the world over. We had Mark Schlereth, Tony Dungy and, of course, Yukon Cornelius. Well today, we have a very special guest here with us. It’s Washington Post columnist Michael Wilbon, co-host of PTI and full-time caddy for Charles Barkley! Onto your questions!

Bob T., Bethesda: Hi Mike, I’m a big fan. I just wanted to get your most recent thoughts on Sean Taylor’s death. Has your perspective changed at all in recent days?

Michael Wilbon: What a stupid question. I’m a journalist, okay? I stand by what I wrote. Is his death sad? Yes. Did it surprise me? Not in the least. Not any aspect of it at all. Not even the time it occurred, which was early morning. Now I knew Sean a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little bit. And I can tell you, that bad elements WERE a part of his life at some point. Maybe not anymore. But they were there. So don’t bring that junk about me having to change my perspective. Okay?

Mary J., Brooklyn: Hi, Mike! What’s your reaction to the Yankees’ resigning Alex Rodriguez?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I don’t care about A-Rod. Do you care about A-Rod? Because I don’t. We already talked about A-Rod on PTI today, okay? We’ve talked about it on PTI for two weeks, specifically because I don’t care about it. So don’t bring that junk in here. Am I in awe of his new contract? Yes. Am I surprised the Yankees would be dumb enough to give it to him? Not in the least. Now, I know Alex a little bit. Not a lot. But we’ve spent SOME time together. And this is not out of the ordinary. Why aren’t we talking about Marion Jones? Now THAT is a story!

Roy K., Boston: Michael, what is your opinion on the Patriots? Do you think they can go undefeated?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I don’t know if they can go undefeated unless they GO undefeated, okay? Is their record impressive right now? Yes. Would I be surprised if they lost? Not in the least. Now I know Bill Belichick a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. We’ve hung out at a few… gentlemen’s establishments. He knows how hard it is to go undefeated, okay? So don’t bring that undefeated talk in here. It’s just a bunch of junk. You don’t know. I don’t know. But would I be surprised if they went 19-0? Not in the least. Knucklehead.

Frank R., Indianapolis: Michael, I just heard Charles Barkley on the radio saying the Redskins are racist for memorializing Sean Taylor in a parking spot. Doesn’t he understand that was his defensive player of the month spot?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. Charles is crazy, okay? You can’t listen to anything he says. Charles is a good friend of mine, okay? He’s a good good good good friend. Am I surprised he said something like that? Not in the least. That’s what he does. So don’t come in here bringing that junk about Charles being crazy. He’s supposed to be crazy!

Dave H., KC: Michael, how about that Kim Kardashian! Is she hot or what?! Badonka-DUNK!!!

Wilbon: Oooh, Kim! Yeah, I like that!

Shannon B., Arlington: Hey Michael, who do you think the Skins will look at in the draft?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. IT’S THE SEASON, OKAY? I hate the draft! Do you really expect me to talk to you about what you want to talk about? That’s not why I’m here, okay? I want to talk about the Wizards. Have you even seen the Wizards play yet? I bet you haven’t. I bet you were too busy watching your precious Redskins. See, that’s my problem with this town. They aren’t focused on the things I would like them to focus on. And that bothers me. And I don’t want to say they have an aversion to prominent black athletes, but they may have an aversion to prominent black athletes. Now, I know Gilbert Arenas a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. But I bet he comes back firing on all cylinders. Does that answer your question, jackass?

Dan Q., Las Vegas: Michael, I was wondering what you thought about the upcoming OJ Simpson…

Wilbon: What a stupid question. NEXT!

Jimmy D., Malibu: HOLY SHIT! A fucking spaceship just landed outside my window! It’s all over the news! My God, it extends to the fucking horizon! I’ve never seen anything like it! It’s First Contact! Can you fucking believe this?!!

Wilbon: What a stupid question. Of course I believe it. Have we ever encountered intelligent life from other systems? No. Am I surprised they would land today, right outside your kitchen window? Not in the least. Were you really arrogant enough to assume we were the only lifeform in the universe when life on Earth grows in so many diverse places, and often in hostile environments? Why would anyone be surprised? Now, I know the chief of the Naval Observatory a little bit. Not a lot. Just a little. Said it was a matter of time that something like this would happen. So don’t bring that junk in here about how all amazed you are. Knucklehead.

Gary S., Seattle: AHHHHH!!!!!! ALIENS HAVE ATTACKED MY HOUSE!!! MY WIFE WAS JUST COMPLETELY INCINERATED BY SOME SORT OF DEATH RAY!!! OMIGOD! THESE ALIENS MEAN FUCKING BUSINESS! GREAT FUCKING FLAMING TESTICLES! WHAT DO WE DO?!!!

Wilbon: What a stupid question. You have no clue as to the background of any of these aliens, yet you automatically categorize them as thugs. It’s not right, okay? It’s only cute when I do it. Am I surprised that aliens possess a death ray that can eliminate all physical matter? Not in the least. But let’s not paint all invading aliens with the same brush, okay? This isn’t a blog. Let’s hold off on the speculation on this until all the information is in.

DAROJIX 97, THE LIGHTRON NEBULA: Greetings, Earthling. We have come to enslave you and make you build us a new intergalactic base for our fleet of FittuCrafts. If you do not accept our demands, we will destroy every last one of you. What say you to this request?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I’m a BLACK man, okay? Don’t bring that slave junk in here. I’m not gonna tolerate that. Now, am I surprised aliens would try and enslave me via a web chat? Not in the least. Tiger Woods and I talked about that possibility just last week. Now I know Tiger a little bit. I consider him a friend. But I am no man’s slave. And I hate “Seinfeld”. I really, really, really fucking hate it.

Jane P., New York: Why did you agree to a chat if you’re just gonna treat us all like we’re drooling idiots?

Wilbon: What a stupid question. I am here to EDUCATE you, okay? NEXT!

Tom S., Chicago: Mike, how do you think the Cubbies will do this year? GO CUBS! WOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Wilbon: Now THAT is a good question.

Fred T., Dallas: Mike, who’s more NOW: Tiger or Federer?

Wilbon: Another good question! There’s hope for you people after all.

All history should be taught like this. It’s good learnin’. Big ups to Texasfanhouse for this video. It’s most excellent. Ufford only wishes it included Miss Gossip somewhere so that he could masturbate to it.

People have been asking me, “How do you beat these Patriots? They are an offensive astronaut.” Well, I think the problem is that teams are not syphilisly equipped to deal with New England’s team speed downfeel. That’s something that you cannot stimulate in practice. No matter how hard you might antipasto it. They are a very prophylactic offense.

No, the key to beating the Patriots is to be able to run the ball. You take a look at a guy like Willie Parker. He has the dexatrim to be able to get past that first level of the defensive line and masturbate the ball down the feel. That’s the key to beating the Patriots, and really any other team: YOU MUST BE ABLE TO MASTURBATE THE BALL DOWN THE FEEL.

If you can’t masturbate the ball down the feel, you’re going to find yourself in many 3rd and long saturations. You want to be able to POUND it. Be perspiration in running that ball, masturbate it up the hole, and keep that Pats’ offense off the feel. Otherwise, that offense will DI-RECT you. I mean, just direct you and pick you apart all day.

I talked to Bill Belichick and he said he spent a lot of time this offseason studying videotape of Urban Meyer’s offense when he was at Uterus. Now, the college game is obviately different from the NFL. In college, your back can run to the outside and circumcise the defensive ends. But that won’t work in the NFL. If a runner erects to go outside, the defender has enough terminal veracity to catch up with you and give you a percussion. Or worse, you could fumble and a scrotum for the ball could ensue. You don’t want that against these Patriots! They Florida off of turnovers.

When I look at the teams that can give the Patriots trouble, I look at the Cowboys. They have DeMarcus Ware, who is a real burglaring star at defensive end. I mean, this boy knows how to Detroit holes in the offense! That’s the key. You have to match their speed with your speed. But that’s a difficult preposition for any team. And even if you have the speed, you still need the power to beat them up front. That’s the thing about the Patriots. They are a finesse team, yet they are also a power team. You could almost call them a chickenpox.

Now, I’m not gonna speculum that any one team is complement enough on offense and defense to beat the Patriots. Maybe the Packers. Brett Favre is a masochist at beating a defense. I mean, he can put on a clinic. He has cervical precision! But he’s so old, his methods almost seem antidisestablishmentarianism at this point. He’s an anominee. And what if he makes mistakes? On offense, you have to ejaculate turnovers. HAVE TO! Otherwise, these Pats will bury you! Right in the ground! They’d need a gynecologist to dig you up!

So, to you teams hoping for a magic salutation to beating this New England team, all I can say is keep masturbating that ball up the feel. That’s all I can tell you! I wish I knew more, but I’m just an anal cyst. Sorry.

It’s an unfortunate world we live in when someone feels so hemmed in by the pressures of society that the only way they feel they can confide in someone is to mail an artfully constructed postcard to some dude in Germantown, MD who packages them together and sells them in bounded collections. Well, the NFL is even more harsh and doubly forbidding of confession, but those struggling with it can always turn to NFL PostSecret. At least we aren’t making money off their pain. That’s only for the league to do.

NFL PostSecret is an ongoing community art project where players and coaches or whoever I feel like making fun of mails in their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. It’s also a satire of this.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Monday, November 26, 2007 11:01 AM

Karaoke Hero.

—–Email Message—–
Sent: Tuesday, November 27, 2007 7:18 PM

Told ya so.

–S. Miller

Not knowing Sean Taylor personally, let’s forgo the needless examination of his personal life that is part and parcel of the stream of obits we are seeing today. For now, let’s remember Taylor for what he was between the lines: namely a fearsome, ball-hawking hit machine that left a swath of crumpled receivers in his wake.

Mahalo, baller.

Image via Bucktown Skins Fan.