Why must I chase the cat?
True Raiders fans know that every coach since Tom Flores has been a pathetic underachiever (especially Jon Gruden, fuck him). But some current Raiders are treating this weekend’s game against San Diego like it’s old home week.
Nostalgia simply for the sake of nostalgia is the bane of my existence. Those Metal Skool retards are a prime example. Shit gets relegated to the dustbin of pop culture for a reason. There’s no such thing as enjoying it ironically, dicksmack, you just have shitty taste.
Not sharing this opinion is Oakland wide receiver Jerry Porter, who, I shit you not, was waxing sentimental ahead of this weekend’s game against the Chargers. Jerry, you see, unlike the Raiders fans who haven’t been able to suppress the horrible memories of the past four seasons, is fond of the Norv Turner era in Oakland.
“My dog Norv? Gotta love my dog Norv.” - Jerry Porter
Let’s put it this way, if Norv were my dog, I’d be making a trip to the pound (or Surry County, VA). But if Norv really was a well-known dog, which one would he be? Let’s find out.
Marmaduke
While we wouldn’t be surprised to hear about some frottage in Norv’s cottage, this seems like a bad comparison. Marm always gets what he wants– milquetoast Norv, not so much. Incidentally, my late grandfather loved him some Marmaduke. But for some reason, he lived under the impression that his name was “Mandrake.”
Mister Peabody
Are you fuggin’ kidding me? Peabody invented the coddam WABAC machine. Norv can’t even figure out a way to stop the zone blitz.
The Junkyard Dog
JYD knew how to handle ‘roided up freaks like Hercules Hernandez and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. Norv on the other hand is still struggling with Shawne Merriman.
Droopy Dawg
Okay, I think we are getting closer. Still, Droopy’s sad-sack demeanor is somewhat endearing and garners him some sympathy. Norv’s sorry-ass coaching record only elicits scorn and canine-related mockery.
Sandy from Little Orphan Annie
Ding, ding! I think we have a winner….
Assistant coach (speaking to Norv through headset): “Okay coach, we’re down by nine with five and a half minutes. We have all three timeouts. It’s fourth and one on our own 46. Do we want to punt or go for it?
Norv: Arf!
Asst: Excuse me?
Norv: Arf!
Asst: What the fuck do you mean, ‘arf’? We are trying to win a fuckin’ game and all you can say is ‘arf’???
Norv: Arf!
Asst (sighs): We’re boned.
Tags: bad coaches, bad MS Paint, Norv, oakland raiders
October 11th, 2007 at 3:24 pm
Be sure to drink your Ovaltine, Norv!
October 11th, 2007 at 3:27 pm
Gosh, for a blog claiming to be down with The Simpsons…
Norv really does remind me of Santa’s Little Helper. At his core he is utterly retarded, yet he shows just enough intuition to make his owner believe he could really be the one with enough time and love.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
His poor play calling is probably due to his lack of decoder ring
October 11th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Breaking news for ESPN:
Norv Turner busted in credit card fraud ring, using an alias known as Santos L. Halper.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:40 pm
Satchel Pooch from Get Fuzzy.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:43 pm
+1 for using the word dicksmack, flubby
October 11th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Norv is like Nate Dogg.
In his world, “the rhythm is the bass and the bass is the trebble.”
You don’t want to see Norv Dogg go into Freak Mode.
October 11th, 2007 at 3:54 pm
GRAB THEM CAKES!
October 11th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
I’ve actually heard of this Norv Turner guy. What’s “Norv” short for? Or is that his actual name? I really wanna know, but I’m too lazy to Google it.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:04 pm
I think Naptown Drew was on the right track, but Norv is more like another dog on the Simpsons-”Poochie”. At the time it seemed like a good idea but in the end boy do u regret it.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:10 pm
Clearly, your grandfather was a Linux nerd.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:35 pm
Norvall Turner.
October 11th, 2007 at 4:36 pm
god i’m a prick
October 11th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Norv is short for Norvcus, his mother was a huge fan of Marvcus Patton. His nickname since birth has been Never Nervous Norvcus.
Norv as dog = Odie, by the way.
October 11th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
How is Norv Turner any worse than the other 12 head coaches the Raiders have had in the past 10 years? You should be asking for Al Davis to shit his Depends some day and call it a career. Just EAT BRAN BABY!
October 11th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
Why must he chase the cat?
Nothin’ but the dog in him.
October 11th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Norvall - OK, now “Norv” makes sense. “Norvall” looks like the name of a birth control device, for some reason.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:23 am
Norv = Dogbert
I win.
October 12th, 2007 at 10:48 am
He’s the kung fu hippie,
From gangsta city?
He’s a rappin’ surfer,
You the fool he pities?