Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake
Someone asked me the other day if Halloween was an actual holiday and I told them to go punch the clown. Well, I didn’t actually say that. The conversation actually went more like this:
He: (walks into my office without knocking, like an asshole) Hey [Punter],
Me: (actually trying to get some work done) Yeah? What’s up?
He: Settle this arguement Punjab and I were having. Punjab says Halloween is not an actual holiday and I say it is. What do you–
Me: Go punch the clown, Chad. Shithead.
He: No, seriously, it’s gotta be a real–
Me: Did we get the day off?
He: Uh…Well, no, but–
Me: Is this a day where it is socially permissible to consume alcohol as soon as I wake up?
He: (frustrated) No, but…
Me: But what, Chad?
He: …But we have the costume contest in the break room after lunch.
Me: Why don’t you and Punjab just skip the contest and consummate your relationship in the broom closet and maybe he’ll buy you that new iPhone you wanted.
He: (leaves)
Yeah, so unless you’re under 15 or someone close to you is sacrificing their abode for a midweek opportunity to get smashed, this day really has very little to offer you. I’ll be doing well to catch a peek of a slutty pirate making their way down Main Street. Henceforth, we present the Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake, where we pick the outfits that we’d have our (least) favorite NFL personalities wearing on All Hallow’s Eve. We’ll get you started–yes, we listed a couple guys twice–and we look forward to your contributions in the comments:
Chris Cooley (pictured)- Slutty Nurse
Norv Turner - Edward James Olmos
Joe Gibbs - Marty Schottenheimer
San Diego Chargers - New Orleans Saints
Orlando Pace - 1950 Ford Edsel
Reggie Wayne - Detective Ricardo Tubbs
Jeff Garcia - Templeton from Charlotte’s Web
Eli Manning - Peyton Manning
Archie Manning - Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning - Olivia Manning
Jeremy Shockey - Amy Winehouse
Chad Pennington - Reed Richards
Jim Sorgi - Matt Ufford
Bill Belichick - Allen Funt
Daniel Snyder - Frodo Baggins
Mike Holmgren - William Howard Taft
Quincy Carter - Eddie Murphy’s character from 48 Hours
T. J. Houshmanzadeh - Eddie Murphy’s character in Coming To America
Jeff Garcia - Eddie Murphy offering rides home for the “girls”
Ben Roethlisberger - Placido Polanco
Mike Ditka - Joseph Stalin
Brady Quinn - Sarah Jessica Parker
Julius Jones - Thing 2
Mike Vrabel - Jake Gyllenhaal
Jeff George - Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite
Matt Leinart - Glenn Quagmire
Larry Fitzgerald - Matt Leinart
Roger Goodell - Richard M. Nixon
Gene Upshaw - Kunta Kinte
Jon Kitna - Larry The Cable Guy
Herm Edwards - Worf
Tom Coughlin - Tom Coughlin
Kellen Clements - Baby Jesus
Purple Jesus - A grape-flavored deity of his choice
Peter King - Deanna Favre
Chad Johnson — Keyshawn Johnson
Vinny Testeverde - A styrofoam cup in a landfill
Tags: bullshit holidays, that conversation never happened but I do really have a, we could do this all day
October 30th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
Halloween isn’t a holiday but the Friday/Saturday closest to the 31st is. Boobies and booze, that’s exactly how my bible defines a holiday.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:03 am
Corey Dillon’s neck - a Sharpee
Jared Lorenzen - Farva from Super Troopers
October 31st, 2007 at 12:20 am
Tom Brady - Lieutenant Dan
This, of course, after Dwight Freeney catches him on the way home tonight and gives a cheap shot to his kneecaps, collects the $50 and Reese’s, all while doing America a great service.
October 31st, 2007 at 1:09 am
Tony Kornheiser - Brett Favre’s jock strap
Shaun Alexander - Tiki Barber, after chugging four bottles of Nyquil
October 31st, 2007 at 1:28 am
Tavaris Jackson - Randall Cunningham
(mostly in the hopes that he will get struck by lightning and turn into Randall Cunningham)
JP Losman - Mr. Bill from SNL
October 31st, 2007 at 1:30 am
jim sorgi - wesley crusher?
October 31st, 2007 at 1:36 am
Tom Brady - Son of a Bitch
Mike Shanahan - The rat from that Charlotte’s Web cartoon
Cleo Lemon - Lime
October 31st, 2007 at 1:39 am
Tohy Siragusa - A refrigerator
October 31st, 2007 at 2:12 am
Andy Reid will be going as Mike Holmgrem…dressed as William Howard Taft.
October 31st, 2007 at 2:34 am
Brady Quinn - Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz
Chad Pennington - Kellen Clemens
Eric Mangini - Bill Belicheck
Bill Belicheck - himself
October 31st, 2007 at 4:49 am
yah nothing is gonna beat Jeff George as Uncle Rico, although T.J. Housh as Prnce Akeem would be close.
October 31st, 2007 at 6:41 am
Al Davis- Emperor Palpatine
Oh wait, no need to dress up, they’re the same person.
October 31st, 2007 at 7:58 am
The Jets - A real NFL Team
October 31st, 2007 at 8:19 am
Hey, Brady Quinn is way prettier than Sarah Jessica Parker.
No homo.
October 31st, 2007 at 8:22 am
Kellen Winslow - Coast Guardsman
Carson Palmer - Carson Palmer circa 2005
Derek Anderson - Tony Romo
Brian Leonard - Brian Leonard in blackface
October 31st, 2007 at 8:32 am
Joe Buck - Joseph Smith
Wes Welker - Giselle Bundchen
October 31st, 2007 at 9:06 am
Bob Saunders — Fred “The Hammer” Williamson
Brian Urlacher — Beldar Conehead
Rex Grossman — Tony Romo
Mike Tirico — Bryan Gumbel
Shannon Sharpe — Jar Jar Binks (same as last year, and the year before0
October 31st, 2007 at 9:06 am
Travis Henry - Ricky Williams
Jerry Jones - Yosemite Sam
October 31st, 2007 at 9:29 am
I don’t know which one should be more offended by the Shockey-Winehouse comparison, but it’s brilliant.
As for Quincy Carter, anyone who’s heard him “speak” knows that his natural costume is Mushmouth from the Fat Albert crew.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:29 am
Travis Henry - Early Shawn Kemp
DeAngelo Hall - Michael Vick
Alex Rodriguez - Derek Jeter
Derek Jeter - Muscle Bound Female Stripper
October 31st, 2007 at 9:37 am
Jon Kitna - Larry The Cable Guy
Actually, LTCG is already a costume. The guy who plays him is a middle-class suburbanite from Nebraska who went to private school as a kid. It’s basically a redneck variation on blackface minstrelsy.
Anyway, if Kitna could be anyone, it’d probably be Joseph of Aramathea.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:49 am
Ray Lewis - Northern Colorado back-up punter?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:51 am
Larry Johnson - Louis Farrakhan
(word verification = gaeefhvv…gay favre?
October 31st, 2007 at 9:51 am
Jon Kitna went as Joe Cullen to the Lions Halloween party.
That’s right, he dressed as the naked coach, and his wife came dressed as Wendy’s.
October 31st, 2007 at 9:55 am
Broderick Bunkley — Ultimate Hulk
Donovan McNabb — Job(from the Book of Job)
Tom Brady — Helen of Troy
Chad Pennington — Raggedy Andy
Trent Green — Glass Joe
Isiah Thomas — Bishop Don “Magic” Juan
Jerry Jones — Texas Oil Man from the Simpsons
Marv Albert — Duff Man
October 31st, 2007 at 10:05 am
Romeo Crennel — Grimace from McDonaldland
October 31st, 2007 at 10:15 am
Pats Fans — Peter Griffin
Romeo Crennel — Cleveland from Family Guy
Tomo Romo — Chazz Reinhold (I’m just livin’ the dream)
October 31st, 2007 at 10:23 am
Gregg Easterbrook- Reverand Lovejoy
or the Cat Lady
Mike McCarthy- Big Moose from the Archie Comics
October 31st, 2007 at 10:26 am
Roy Williams (WR, Det) - George Costanza
“There’s a new sheriff in town, and his name is Reggie Hammonds” - Q.Carter
October 31st, 2007 at 10:27 am
Jerome Bettis - Moderately priced fuel efficient vehicle.
October 31st, 2007 at 10:37 am
Jim Sorgi — McLovin
Jason Garrett — Hannibal Lecter
Peter King — Jabba the Hutt
October 31st, 2007 at 10:45 am
Uncle Rico thinks Jeff George is a pathetic has-been
October 31st, 2007 at 11:03 am
Mike Tomlin — Omar Epps. He’s a Steeler, he doesn’t dress up.
Tony Dungy — Ted Haggard
October 31st, 2007 at 11:07 am
Quinn Gray — Byron Leftwich
October 31st, 2007 at 11:10 am
I must disagree with your contention that Halloween isn’t a true holiday. It’s one of my favorite days of the year! What other day do otherwise stuck up, buttoned down princesses dress like complete whores and get drunk?
Are you kidding me? I’ll send video for you from the party I’m going to tonight.
October 31st, 2007 at 11:39 am
Kevin Everett - Robocop
October 31st, 2007 at 11:47 am
Colts fans - Douchebags
Patriots fans - Dr. Kevorkian patients
October 31st, 2007 at 11:53 am
Brady Quinn, always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
October 31st, 2007 at 12:03 pm
I just so happened to prepare my comment last week.
http://svpstyle.blogspot.com/2007/10/halloween-in-baltimore-washington-area.html
October 31st, 2007 at 12:23 pm
Brady- Pitcher
Welker- Catcher
Belichick- Porn Videographer
Laurence Maroney- The mascot of a certain tasty drink combining sugar with a pre-packaged powder mixture. Just add water…
October 31st, 2007 at 12:29 pm
Eric Mangini: Woodward & Bernestein (he’s big enough to be two people)
Steven Jackson - Joey Buttafuco’s dick.
Willis McGahee (however you spell his fucking name): Mark Rypien (while he’s making friends in Buffalo and all)
Ray Lewis - Michael Vick
Michael Vick - Rae Carruth
Rae Carruth - Richard Ramirez
October 31st, 2007 at 12:44 pm
LaDanian Tomlinson - little boy with matchbook
October 31st, 2007 at 1:35 pm
Bellichick - Dead as I skull fuck him
October 31st, 2007 at 2:01 pm
Bill Simmons would love to go as the lovechild of Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Corolla. In fact, he’ll talk all about it on his latest podcast!
October 31st, 2007 at 2:05 pm
Well, its a fucking holiday at my house..its the kid’s birthday. Which btw, made it easy to remember since I am bad with dates.
October 31st, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Steely McBeam — Gayton Manning
John Edwards — Laura Bush
October 31st, 2007 at 2:24 pm
Tony Romo - Mario Lopez minus the ‘roids
October 31st, 2007 at 2:26 pm
By the way, Norv Turner - Edward James Olmos? Brilliant!
October 31st, 2007 at 2:50 pm
mY birthday, too
so i consider it a holiday, therefore:
Pam Oliver-my necklace
JOe bukk- the voyeuristic cuckold, just like on the other 364
wv: xrazy. no doubt.
October 31st, 2007 at 6:04 pm
I hear tell Steve McNair and Kyle Boller are going trick-or-treating as a team. They’re supposed to dress up as a useful offensive unit, but I don’t believe that. There’s no costume in the world that could make those two look useful.
November 1st, 2007 at 11:27 am
Michelle Tafoya = Suzy Kolber
November 1st, 2007 at 11:28 am
ME = Joe Namath
November 1st, 2007 at 12:08 pm
… I do really have an office…
Sorry, Punter, that stall in the men’s room doesn’t count.
November 1st, 2007 at 12:17 pm
elisha manning - cooper manning