Someone asked me the other day if Halloween was an actual holiday and I told them to go punch the clown. Well, I didn’t actually say that. The conversation actually went more like this:

He: (walks into my office without knocking, like an asshole) Hey [Punter],

Me: (actually trying to get some work done) Yeah? What’s up?

He: Settle this arguement Punjab and I were having. Punjab says Halloween is not an actual holiday and I say it is. What do you–

Me: Go punch the clown, Chad. Shithead.

He: No, seriously, it’s gotta be a real–

Me: Did we get the day off?

He: Uh…Well, no, but–

Me: Is this a day where it is socially permissible to consume alcohol as soon as I wake up?

He: (frustrated) No, but…

Me: But what, Chad?

He: …But we have the costume contest in the break room after lunch.

Me: Why don’t you and Punjab just skip the contest and consummate your relationship in the broom closet and maybe he’ll buy you that new iPhone you wanted.

He: (leaves)

Yeah, so unless you’re under 15 or someone close to you is sacrificing their abode for a midweek opportunity to get smashed, this day really has very little to offer you. I’ll be doing well to catch a peek of a slutty pirate making their way down Main Street. Henceforth, we present the Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake, where we pick the outfits that we’d have our (least) favorite NFL personalities wearing on All Hallow’s Eve. We’ll get you started–yes, we listed a couple guys twice–and we look forward to your contributions in the comments:

Chris Cooley (pictured)- Slutty Nurse

Norv Turner – Edward James Olmos

Joe Gibbs – Marty Schottenheimer

San Diego Chargers – New Orleans Saints

Orlando Pace – 1950 Ford Edsel

Reggie Wayne – Detective Ricardo Tubbs

Jeff Garcia – Templeton from Charlotte’s Web

Eli Manning – Peyton Manning

Archie Manning – Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning – Olivia Manning

Jeremy Shockey – Amy Winehouse

Chad Pennington – Reed Richards

Jim Sorgi – Matt Ufford

Bill Belichick – Allen Funt

Daniel Snyder – Frodo Baggins

Mike Holmgren – William Howard Taft

Quincy Carter – Eddie Murphy’s character from 48 Hours

T. J. Houshmanzadeh – Eddie Murphy’s character in Coming To America

Jeff Garcia – Eddie Murphy offering rides home for the “girls”

Ben Roethlisberger – Placido Polanco

Mike Ditka – Joseph Stalin

Brady Quinn – Sarah Jessica Parker

Julius Jones – Thing 2

Mike Vrabel – Jake Gyllenhaal

Jeff George – Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite

Matt Leinart – Glenn Quagmire

Larry Fitzgerald – Matt Leinart

Roger Goodell – Richard M. Nixon

Gene Upshaw – Kunta Kinte

Jon Kitna – Larry The Cable Guy

Herm Edwards – Worf

Tom Coughlin – Tom Coughlin

Kellen Clements – Baby Jesus

Purple Jesus – A grape-flavored deity of his choice

Peter King – Deanna Favre

Chad Johnson — Keyshawn Johnson

Vinny Testeverde – A styrofoam cup in a landfill