Kevin Everett Meast Of The Week – Week 4
It’s my birthday this weekend. I’ll be 31, which is pretty uninteresting. I’m always baffled as to what to do with my birthday. If you tell people it’s your birthday, you run the risk of being one of THOSE people. You know, those people that make their own birthdays a huge deal. I fucking hate people like that. It’s usually a chick. And she usually rents out a room for herself at some tiny bar in an inconvenient, shitty section of town and makes you come pay homage. Only there’s no open bar, and they only have Heineken (and it’s $10), and none of the chairs have proper lumbar support. Annoying.
But, if you don’t tell people it’s your birthday, then they get strangely pissed. “Shit man, it was your birthday? I could have made a token gesture of niceness to you in the hopes that you would reciprocate to me on my birthday! Fucker.” And people at work get super annoyed. “Hey, we could have had CAKE, asshole.” So there’s that.
I also fuck up my presents every year. My wife asks me what I want, and my brain comes to a dead stop. I know there’s SOMETHING I want. I just can’t get it to show up in my head at crunch time. So I end up getting a shirt. Only five weeks later will I remember, “FUCK! I wanted noise-canceling headphones!” Same thing happens at Christmas. I should write more things down. But I DID manage to get my wife to switch from watching “Grey’s Anatomy” on Thursday nights to watching “The Office”. So that’s a present of sorts. And no, I don’t have a DVR. Go fuck yourself.
When I was a kid, my mom would always bake me a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting and candy corns on top for my birthday. It was kind of a tradition, one that my wife has happily continued throughout this 31-year extended childhood of mine. But this year, Mrs. Drew had other ideas.
Mrs. Drew: Can we have something else besides that candy corn cake this year?
Me: Fuck you.
Mrs. Drew: C’mon. Live a little.
Me: If you don’t like the candy corns, get a chocolate cake, and a separate bag of candy corns, and then I will sprinkle candy corns on my own piece. And then everyone will be happy. Especially me. Because I rule.
Mrs. Drew: Oh, for fuck’s sake.
That’s the key to a good marriage, kids. Compromise. Maybe the Cutlers could learn a thing or two from me and my old lady. Your Meast of the Week is Osi Umenyiora of the Giants.
Six sacks? Well, that makes my selection process easier. I think Winston Justice should be nicknamed EZ Pass.
Tags: Big Daddy Drew, birthdays, i want No Country For Old Men to come out a month early, kevin everett meast of the week
October 4th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Now did you mean that “none of the chairs have proper lumbAr support”? The lumbar are the vertebrae in your lower back (plus then you sound like a pirate saying it). Or did you just mean the chairs keep breaking when you sit in them owing to shitty lumber, in which case maybe you’re just a fat ass and don’t need any candy corn on your cake…
October 4th, 2007 at 2:08 pm
Penis cake ! Happy birthday and I always ask for a blow job from the wife on my birthday.
October 4th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
Now did you mean “sit on them”? Or did you just mean like removing the seat cushion and sitting on the ground inside the chair frame?
–csc
October 4th, 2007 at 2:10 pm
haha sweet me and BDD have the same birthday. Enjoy by praying that Major Dad got the memo about Petersen being Purple Jesus…I know I will be.
October 4th, 2007 at 2:11 pm
Happy birthday. Enjoy your shirt and cake. Darnell Dockett >> Osi Menstruaora. Thanks for playing.
October 4th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
Why don’t people just stick to buying liquor for birthdays?
October 4th, 2007 at 2:30 pm
That cake is one of the most disturbing things I’ve ever seen.
If you can’t get your wife to make you the special birthday cake (and I don’t see why not, it’s just one day a year, damn) at least try to negotiate a blowjob (or whatever you prefer) out of it, if you haven’t already. I think if there’s any day of the year you should be guaranteed a blowjob, it should be your birthday. Not to get too personal, I’m just sayin’. I’m on your side on this one.
And you’re right about the office birthday shit, there are few things worse than a work gathering at a crappy bar someone else chose. Tiresome.
October 4th, 2007 at 2:36 pm
31? Man don’t you hate those anti-climactic birthdays? Sure, 21 rocks but 22? So what you’ve been able to drink for a year now, nobody gives a shit. 30 is a big b-day but 31? Total let down. Me, I got 40 coming up next year and I am not draggin folks to some crap shack bar. I am having friends and family send me to Budapest for 10 days. Hungarian babes rule.
Happy Birthday Drew. You provide me with so much quality entertainment I would be remiss in not wishing you well and that you get your pansy ass candy corns.
October 4th, 2007 at 3:03 pm
Might I suggest having a Lemon Party?
Happy birthday
and sweet christ i hope the Jets O Line can keep Osi from sodomizing Chad on Sunday
October 4th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Holy fuck you’re old. I thought blogs were for 20-somethings?
October 4th, 2007 at 3:13 pm
@twoeightnine
and you’d think that if his wife wouldn’t make him his special birthday cake that at least his mom would since she’s in the kitchen right above the basement he’s blogging from
October 4th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Suck It Icarane:
I care about Drew’s fantasy advice, his Bald Mountain Fantasy advice
October 4th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
BDD, you’re mom lied to you if THAT’S what she told you candy corn was.
Or your adopted black uncle lied to you and made your mom “just go along” with it.
Yikes!
October 4th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Osi Menstruaora.
With writing this witty, It’s amazing you don’t have you’re own entry on Page 2 (no offense DJ).
I can hardly wait to see what’s next, Brett Fart? Jay Buttler? John Sh*tna? TJ Douchemanzadeh?
October 4th, 2007 at 4:06 pm
31 – shit, I was 31 once – tomorrow I turn 43 – crap, I stopped counting – ok I did for tomorrow because I have to renew my D/L and saw what year I was born in. My wife won’t be making me any cake (bitch) or even a cup cake (double bitch) and I won’t even hope for a blow job (triple bith).
I’ll end up with a hand made card from my daughter – awwww – and be told that I have to save it, take it to work (getting misty eyed now) and my son will mumble something unintelligble as he does every morning. But, I am going to get my hair cut and Jessica (who cuts my hair)is hot, maybe I’ll get a birthday grab from her.
Then tomorrow afternoon, I’ll pop open a beer around 4 or so and the wife will say, isn’t it early? I’ll say, fuck you, no, I’m already behind my birthday drinking schedule already – now go get me another beer – this one is almost empty.
Happy Birthday Drew – just remeber the first 39 are easy, 40 is a bitch…
October 4th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
http://www.flickr.com/photos/richardliriano/301568431/
Can you use that picture of Osi?
October 4th, 2007 at 4:15 pm
Could you do me a favor and keep your ass-hattery limited to this site and stop dragging Deadspin’s reputation through the mud with your weekly doucheapalooza?
Thanks!
October 4th, 2007 at 4:16 pm
Happy birthday.
Your wife should get you a football. If you like you’ll both be happy and if you don’t at least she doesn’t have to worry you hitting her with it.
October 4th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
what stuck out for me most was the “i want no country for old men to come out a month early…” comment—i’ve got such a hard on already for that movie…
October 4th, 2007 at 4:28 pm
@The WB. Sorry, no can do.
But I hope your new life as The CW is working out for you. I hear “Reaper” is quite good.
October 4th, 2007 at 4:38 pm
the wb:
Could you do ME a favor and keep your comments about Deadspin content to the Deadspin comment threads?
What’s that? You don’t have DS commenting privileges? Well, toughy titty, kiddie.
October 4th, 2007 at 4:53 pm
Man, I didn’t realize that was a penis cake when I ate it at the Funkhousers.
Happy birthday, Drew. You’re right, 31 is a boring one, but in two more years you’ll be able to brag that you’re older than Jesus.
Yeah, that’s right. Who’s your messiah, now?
October 4th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
otto:
“YOU FED ME BALLS!!!” – Larry D.
October 4th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
i fuckin hate candy corn.
i’m glad someone is helping to reduce the national supply
October 4th, 2007 at 5:22 pm
I also fuck up my presents every year. My wife asks me what I want, and my brain comes to a dead stop. I know there’s SOMETHING I want. I just can’t get it to show up in my head at crunch time.
I suggest you cut back on the bong hits before, during and after the games on Sunday…and write shit down once in a while.
Happy B-day BDD. Maybe Purple Jebus will gift wrap a belated win for you next weekend.
October 4th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Holy fuckamoly. Happy b-day BDD. Is that phallus symbol chocolate by any chance?
October 4th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
Lewis Black would like to have a word with you. Candy corn is as gay as that fucking cake.
Dr. Seuss’ penis, I really mean this.
October 6th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
I ran xc in highschool and after halloween junior year we had a candy corn eating contest. The winner ate 9 pounds and spent 4 days in the hospital, and 2 other kids spent the night. Lesson learned…CANDY CORN IS THE SHIT!