Welcome back for another fantastic week of Always Be Covering! I’m here to make you enough money to order from Alfredo’s Pizza Cafe instead of eating that crap from Pizza by Alfredo.

Today I come to you as a humbled man, asking for nothing more than a bit of your time.

This isn’t Bruce Nyborg, it’s Gil Gunderson. Bruce Nyborg isn’t real.

Well last week certainly sucked a big hairy moose cock, did it not? Of course I should have seen it coming, the writing was on the wall. Everybody knows that teasers are bets fit for only the most retarded, but last week we learned why that’s the case. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Green Bay Packers. Those worthless fucking pieces of shit were too caught up in the majesty of that stoned fuckhead quarterback to stay within two points of a pathetic Bears team. Fuck you teasers, fuck you right in your chapped ass.

Unfortunately the teaser was merely the final nail in the coffin of last week’s crapapalooza. Ape’s beloved Steelers covered their end of the parlay (despite the glaring absence of Lance and Bruce) but the Texans felt so bad after Trent Green faked his unconsciousness that they let that glorified–yet woefully underpaid–college team cover the spread. Hey Ahman, cut the shit and put on a fucking helmet before I put out a contract on your head (the Jewish mafia isn’t dead, it was just on vacation…in Boca). Still, that was not the biggest disappointment.

Oh you sick fucking Patriots. All season you’ve been my ace in the hole, then I actually place a bet for a relatively significant amount of money and you go and shit the bed like an incontinent invalid. If it weren’t for a last minute defensive touchdown the entire weekend would have been a complete financial meltdown. Those fuckers failed to cover a spread for the first time all year, but at least they managed to earn a push on the 17 point spread. Oh, and fuck everybody that got the game at 16.5. You gloating assholes should go sit on a six-foot bong.

After all that I was left with nothing more than my original $100 investment. Thanks to a couple of tough breaks (fuck the Cowboys, Rockies, and Seminoles…that’s the last time I bet on three of my least favorite teams in the same week) I’ve found myself with just $20 left in the Bodog coffers out of the original hundred I deposited to start of the season. So what does one do when one needs to score big off of a twenty dollar investment? One finds himself some sweet sweet 20/1 action.

The “I Fucking Need This” Parlay of the Week

Here it goes, five teams at $20 to win $400…how can I not win?!?!

Houston +7 (-120) at Jacksonville
Chicago -5 (-120) vs. Minnesota
Philadelphia -3 (-130) at New York Jets
Tennessee +3 (-125) at Tampa Bay
New England -6 (-105) at Dallas

If these fuckers don’t get it done I’m going to have to go back to slinging meth at the local elementary schools.

Got a dream parlay of your own? Feel free to share the wealth in the comment section.