Sure Mr. Belichick, you can have whatever your heart desires!

The New England Patriots are the NFL’s version of blood diamonds, they may be evil and tainted but they’ll make you rich! Richer than astronauts! Do you want to know how you too can actually enjoy the diabolical reign of Belichick and company? Of course you do! How else are you going to pay off your student loans from that semester at DeVry? Follow my three easy steps (plus one fuckin’ complicated step) to success and soon you’ll have a boat filled with gorgeous women like you were some sort of brilliant midget with a twin brother in tow.

1. BET HEAVILY ON THE PATRIOTS POINT SPREAD

2. MASTURBATE FOR 3 HOURS

3. COLLECT YOUR WINNINGS

4. EAT CAVIAR OUT OF A HOOKER’S ASS

Yep, it’s really that easy. Now go sell all of your earthly possessions (yes, your daughter counts) and take the proceeds directly to your offshore bookie of choice.

This week the evil ones take on the crappy dangerous crappy Cleveland Browns and the spread is up at -16.

“But Maj, 16 is waaaay too many points.”

SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING TWAT ROCKET!

There’s absolutely no need to worry. The Pats have yet to win a game by fewer than three touchdowns. You can’t lose!*

So to you New England Patriots, I offer up a cup of coffee. You evil fuckers have proven to be coverers of the highest regard.

*You will almost certainly lose