Welcome back to another week of your NFL gambling guide, Always Be Covering. Those of you who take this feature to heart probably recall that I went a combined 0-4 in last week’s picks. Readers sometimes forget that this is a humor site that leans heavily on satire, sarcasm, and dick jokes. Even my closest friends and family members have given me shit for making crappy picks. Granted, they may not be as savvy as our diehard fanbase (the emotionally stunted masses) but I assumed they knew better then to take this post seriously.

Well now they can, this week I’m going for gold. I have personally placed each one of these wagers prior to post time.

Note: For my regularly scheduled and relatively serious gambling tips remember to check out Gambling on the Amateurs over at Deadspin.

Alright people, this isn’t Rio fucking Rancho we’re working with today, these are the real deal, these are the Glengarry leads.

The “Fuck or Walk” Game of the Week

This is the big bet of the week. If I’m picking one game and I’m looking to double my pretzel monies this is the one I’d fuck with.

Risk 55 to win 52

Cincinnati -7 (-105) at Cleveland
Dear Bookmakers,

Sincerely,
The Maj

The Dave Moss Bet of Desperation

This is pretty much the opposite of the above bet. Moss’ desperation was evident but if he had one more shot he wouldn’t have to dupe Shelley into stealing the Glengarry leads. Instead, he could just blow his bankroll on a toss-up prop bet.

Risk 25 to win 21

Under 4 Total Sacks on Monday Night Football (-120)
Washington lost Jon Jansen and like any young quarterback with a big arm Jason Campbell takes too many sacks. Of course all of that is irrelevant. The Redskins are going to run the ball forty times and everybody knows their defense’s weakness is the pass rush. Couple that with the fact that they’ve never been able to touch McNabb and you’ve got yourself a winner (but a push is just as likely).

The Ricky Roma Special

I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion… If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way… -Ricky Roma

Risk 50 to win 50

Seattle -3 (EVEN) at Arizona
The Seahawks paying even money but Arizona is +3 at -120 (meaning you have to risk 120 to win 100) because the Buzzsaw looked soooo good on Monday. San Fran’s defense is a bit better with Patrick Wills and Nate Clements. So now they’re loose like Lindsay Lohan as opposed to being loose like Paris Hilton. Seattle’s just a bit more fresh, like Hayden Panettiere.

Shelley “The Machine” Levene’s Gotta Have It Teaser

Poor ol’ Shelley needs that one big score but he doesn’t have the balls to play things straight up. Note: All lines have been “teased” by six points (pays 9/5).

Risk 30 to win 54

St. Louis +3 vs. San Fransicso
Even without Orlando Pace there’s no chance they drop this one at home. Besides, San Francisco doesn’t have an edge rusher that can exploit his absence. But most importantly, Frank Gore looks like a sniveling little bitch next to the awesomeness of Stephen Jackson.

Oakland +16 at Denver
In two meetings last year Denver scored a combined 30 points. They didn’t win by more than ten in either game and Oakland’s defense looks just as strong this year. Ronald Curry is easily the best wide receiver/point guard in the NFL while Rob Ryan is the league’s premier defensive coordinator/sex symbol. That guy makes the ladies wetter than your mom when Ufford’s in the room.

Chicago -6.5 vs. Kansas City
I know I mentioned this last year, but it bears repeating. When in doubt, bet against any team coached by Herm Edwards. The Sex Cannon could win this game with his left hand while gripping the Lil’ Cannon with his throwing hand.

The Just For the Fuck of It Texas Southeastern Road Trip Parlay Super Bonus!

Risk 29 to win 75

Houston +7 at Carolina
aka Underrated +7 at Overrated. Yeah, I’m getting that tingly feeling too!

Dallas -4 at Miami
The Redskins played like crap and they still beat Miami by a field goal. They could play this game in thongs on the beach and I’d take those Cowboy fuckers. Besides, Trent Green would probably pull a Robert Edwards the second foot touched sand.

This post is for entertainment purposes only. Payouts may not be exact and lines are subject to change.