Another scrape with the law has brought everyone’s favorite Leslie Nielsen sidekick/amateur decapitator back into the public consciousness. Of course white people everywhere are reacting like they’ve won the lottery (white people winning the lottery? that’ll never happen!), the expectation of comeuppance is palpable. In the past few days Orenthal’s mailbox has been filling up with thank you notes and messages of admiration from all over the Caucasian community. Let’s take a look at some of the more notable inclusions…

Yo OJ,

Just ’cause some assholes stole your shit doesn’t mean you can pull out a piece…unless you’re in Florida.

Meastly Yours,
Sean Taylor

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Dear Juice,

I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.

Longing Gaping for you,
Kim Kardashian

P.S. I’m not talking about a conjugal trailer…

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Dear Mr. Simpson,

Stay the fuck away from my daughter.

Sincerely,
Robert Kardashian

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Dear OJ,

+1

Your pal,
Robert Blake

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Dear Asshole,

All your memorabilia are belong to us.

Signed,
The Goldmans

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Dear OJ,

Thanks a million!

Sincerely,
Nancy Grace, Dan Abrams, Keith Olbermann, Glen Beck, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, Lorne Michaels, Sean Hannity, Shephard Smith, Mark Fuhrman, and every single talk radio host in America

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