A Peek Inside OJ’s Mailbox
Another scrape with the law has brought everyone’s favorite Leslie Nielsen sidekick/amateur decapitator back into the public consciousness. Of course white people everywhere are reacting like they’ve won the lottery (white people winning the lottery? that’ll never happen!), the expectation of comeuppance is palpable. In the past few days Orenthal’s mailbox has been filling up with thank you notes and messages of admiration from all over the Caucasian community. Let’s take a look at some of the more notable inclusions…
Yo OJ,
Just ’cause some assholes stole your shit doesn’t mean you can pull out a piece…unless you’re in Florida.
Meastly Yours,
Sean Taylor
Dear Juice,
I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.
Longing Gaping for you,
Kim Kardashian
P.S. I’m not talking about a conjugal trailer…
Dear Mr. Simpson,
Stay the fuck away from my daughter.
Sincerely,
Robert Kardashian
Dear OJ,
+1
Your pal,
Robert Blake
Dear Asshole,
All your memorabilia are belong to us.
Signed,
The Goldmans
Dear OJ,
Thanks a million!
Sincerely,
Nancy Grace, Dan Abrams, Keith Olbermann, Glen Beck, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, Lorne Michaels, Sean Hannity, Shephard Smith, Mark Fuhrman, and every single talk radio host in America
Tags: ksk exklusives, OJ, Unsilent Majority
September 18th, 2007 at 2:06 pm
Dear Juice,
I can finally afford the next round of lifts and tucks! Thanks!
Love,
Greta Van Sustern
September 18th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Dear Juice,
Thanks for taking a break from looking for me.
Signed,
The Real Killer
September 18th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Dear Juice,
Should we just have hate sex and get it over with?
-Denise B.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:33 pm
Dear Juice,
I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.
What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
September 18th, 2007 at 2:37 pm
Dear O.J.,
I’ve got the ite-way onco-bray, meet at the usual place?
you know who this is dammit!
September 18th, 2007 at 2:43 pm
you know who this is dammit!
Kramer?
September 18th, 2007 at 2:44 pm
Dear Juice,
Uhhhhhhhhhhhngh.
-Marlee Matlin
September 18th, 2007 at 2:46 pm
Deer Joose,
Hav u cen mi flip-flops?
-Kato
September 18th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
Robert Kardashian is dead…not that anyone cares.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
OJ,
Hang in there, buddy. We’ll get you out of this one, too.
-Johnnie Cochran
/seance
September 18th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
Dear Mr. O.J.,
Thanks for divurting the nayshun’s attenshun from the war in Irack.
Sinnceerley,
George W. Bush, Eskiwre
September 18th, 2007 at 2:51 pm
Dear Juice,
How’s it going, buddy? We still good for our 4AM tee time?
-Don Ohlmeyer
September 18th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
So the cops haven’t exactly been there for OJ recently. There’s always NOISB.
September 18th, 2007 at 2:56 pm
Where’s the “I can do this all day” tag?
September 18th, 2007 at 2:59 pm
OJ:
Can I have your tee off time (while I still have time and before I re-do my hair)?
Phil Spector
September 18th, 2007 at 3:09 pm
Dear OJ,
We hope you rot in jail and then hell.
Signed,
Ron and Nicole’s corpses
(too soon ?)
September 18th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
Dear Juice,
So does this mean you’re not going to be able to find my wife’s real killer either?
Scott P.
September 18th, 2007 at 3:21 pm
Juice:
You an inspiration. Let’s hang for the next 3-5 years.
Michael V., #3847464hjf
September 18th, 2007 at 3:22 pm
Juice:
While you kicking it with Michael, lemme borrow yo’ guns.
Marcus
September 18th, 2007 at 3:36 pm
Dear OJ,
Thanks for creating fodder for yet another HIGHLARIOUS headline for our paper. OJ IN A CAN! HA!
XO,
New York Post
September 18th, 2007 at 3:38 pm
Dear OJ -
I finally bagged your sorry ass. That tape recorder set-up works everytime.
Fuck you with a swastika,
Mark “Die Fuhrer” Furhman
September 18th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
Dear Juice,
This time, drive a Chevy
Sincerely,
Ford Motor Company
September 18th, 2007 at 3:44 pm
ruthless- that’s why they came out with the Ford Escape, preferred car of George Bluth
September 18th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
you could hump the hood on that thing!
September 18th, 2007 at 3:48 pm
- Johnny Cochran… Also Dead
If it’s his memorabilia you has, get ready for him to shoot yo’ ass
September 18th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Dear Killer
Thanks for publicity stunt. The book revenue should be rolling in any minute now.
Anal-brain.
The Goldman’s
September 18th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Hey Juice -
Sydney’s mine.
best,
Marcus “Down with OPP” Allen
September 18th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
Dear OJ -
What do you mean I have to stop talking about that murdered baby for five minutes??? What an ungrateful asshole!!
- Nancy Grace
(W/V: gckkcg - Palindromes FTW!)
September 18th, 2007 at 4:20 pm
Dear OJ -
Good luck using the Chewbacca Defense this time! Johnny C is dead.
/State of Nevada
September 18th, 2007 at 4:55 pm
If the shit be stolen, we be rollin’.
The Cochran Firm
September 18th, 2007 at 5:08 pm
Dear Orenthal,
You were the perfect armed robber — an armed robber who doesn’t know he’s an armed robber.
-Ricardo Montalban
September 18th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
OJ
If you get bail and need a get-a-way car, call me.
Lance Briggs
September 18th, 2007 at 6:38 pm
Dear O.J.,
The media and fans didn’t treat Larry Cszonka like this when he killed a couple of people and robbed folks.
Stay strong,
Donovan McNabb
September 18th, 2007 at 8:15 pm
OJ
I’ll ride shotgun for you when driving with Briggs.
Tank Johnson
September 18th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
My fave: Dear Mr. Simpson,
Stay the fuck away from my daughter.
Sincerely, Robert Kardashian
I know he’s dead. It’s still funny. I also enjoyed the Fuhrman one.
My contribution:
Hey, Mr. OJ:
Thanks for making me look good by comparison.
XXXXOOOO
Britney
September 18th, 2007 at 11:57 pm
It’s important to note that when Tank Johnson offers to ride shotgun, he means the gun, not the seat. He also rides M-16, AK-47, and various uzis.
September 19th, 2007 at 1:34 am
OJ
IT COMES AS GREAT SHOCK TO YOU TO RECEIVE THIS E-MAIL UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, AS YOU ARE UNAWARE OF MY EXISTENCE. I AM NAMED DENIS OMUKUBE, AND I HAVE A LARGE SUM OF MONEY FROZEN IN AN ACCOUNT OF 10 MILLION US BUT WITH THE PROCESSING FEE OF 50000.00 US DOLLARS, I WOULD BE ABLE TO TRANSFER YOU 50 PERCENT OF THE MONIES NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
I AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE ON THIS URGENT MATTER.
CORDIALLY YOURS,
DENIS OMUKUBE
September 19th, 2007 at 11:39 am
suss- nice call with the spam email…
September 19th, 2007 at 11:42 am
JUICE-
You have received a new friend request on MySpace from “I Got Your Heisman, Bitch!”.
Accept, Deny, or Kill the Cracka?
Tom
September 19th, 2007 at 12:06 pm
Dear OJ:
I understand.
-Chris Rock