A Peek Inside OJ’s Mailbox
09.18.07
Another scrape with the law has brought everyone’s favorite Leslie Nielsen sidekick/amateur decapitator back into the public consciousness. Of course white people everywhere are reacting like they’ve won the lottery (white people winning the lottery? that’ll never happen!), the expectation of comeuppance is palpable. In the past few days Orenthal’s mailbox has been filling up with thank you notes and messages of admiration from all over the Caucasian community. Let’s take a look at some of the more notable inclusions…
Yo OJ,
Just ’cause some assholes stole your shit doesn’t mean you can pull out a piece…unless you’re in Florida.
Meastly Yours,
Sean Taylor
Dear Juice,
I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.
Longing Gaping for you,
Kim Kardashian
P.S. I’m not talking about a conjugal trailer…
Dear Mr. Simpson,
Stay the fuck away from my daughter.
Sincerely,
Robert Kardashian
Dear OJ,
+1
Your pal,
Robert Blake
Dear Asshole,
All your memorabilia are belong to us.
Signed,
The Goldmans
Dear OJ,
Thanks a million!
Sincerely,
Nancy Grace, Dan Abrams, Keith Olbermann, Glen Beck, Anderson Cooper, Jay Leno, Lorne Michaels, Sean Hannity, Shephard Smith, Mark Fuhrman, and every single talk radio host in America
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Dear OJ:
I understand.
-Chris Rock
JUICE-
You have received a new friend request on MySpace from “I Got Your Heisman, Bitch!”.
Accept, Deny, or Kill the Cracka?
Tom
suss- nice call with the spam email…
OJ
IT COMES AS GREAT SHOCK TO YOU TO RECEIVE THIS E-MAIL UNDER THESE CIRCUMSTANCES, AS YOU ARE UNAWARE OF MY EXISTENCE. I AM NAMED DENIS OMUKUBE, AND I HAVE A LARGE SUM OF MONEY FROZEN IN AN ACCOUNT OF 10 MILLION US BUT WITH THE PROCESSING FEE OF 50000.00 US DOLLARS, I WOULD BE ABLE TO TRANSFER YOU 50 PERCENT OF THE MONIES NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
I AWAIT YOUR RESPONSE ON THIS URGENT MATTER.
CORDIALLY YOURS,
DENIS OMUKUBE
It’s important to note that when Tank Johnson offers to ride shotgun, he means the gun, not the seat. He also rides M-16, AK-47, and various uzis.
My fave: Dear Mr. Simpson,
Stay the fuck away from my daughter.
Sincerely, Robert Kardashian
I know he’s dead. It’s still funny. I also enjoyed the Fuhrman one.
My contribution:
Hey, Mr. OJ:
Thanks for making me look good by comparison.
XXXXOOOO
Britney
OJ
I’ll ride shotgun for you when driving with Briggs.
Tank Johnson
Dear O.J.,
The media and fans didn’t treat Larry Cszonka like this when he killed a couple of people and robbed folks.
Stay strong,
Donovan McNabb
OJ
If you get bail and need a get-a-way car, call me.
Lance Briggs
Dear Orenthal,
You were the perfect armed robber — an armed robber who doesn’t know he’s an armed robber.
-Ricardo Montalban
If the shit be stolen, we be rollin’.
The Cochran Firm
Dear OJ -
Good luck using the Chewbacca Defense this time! Johnny C is dead.
/State of Nevada
Dear OJ –
What do you mean I have to stop talking about that murdered baby for five minutes??? What an ungrateful asshole!!
- Nancy Grace
(W/V: gckkcg – Palindromes FTW!)
Hey Juice -
Sydney’s mine.
best,
Marcus “Down with OPP” Allen
Dear Killer
Thanks for publicity stunt. The book revenue should be rolling in any minute now.
Anal-brain.
The Goldman’s
- Johnny Cochran… Also Dead
If it’s his memorabilia you has, get ready for him to shoot yo’ ass
you could hump the hood on that thing!
ruthless- that’s why they came out with the Ford Escape, preferred car of George Bluth
Dear Juice,
This time, drive a Chevy
Sincerely,
Ford Motor Company
Dear OJ -
I finally bagged your sorry ass. That tape recorder set-up works everytime.
Fuck you with a swastika,
Mark “Die Fuhrer” Furhman
Dear OJ,
Thanks for creating fodder for yet another HIGHLARIOUS headline for our paper. OJ IN A CAN! HA!
XO,
New York Post
Juice:
While you kicking it with Michael, lemme borrow yo’ guns.
Marcus
Juice:
You an inspiration. Let’s hang for the next 3-5 years.
Michael V., #3847464hjf
Dear Juice,
So does this mean you’re not going to be able to find my wife’s real killer either?
Scott P.
Dear OJ,
We hope you rot in jail and then hell.
Signed,
Ron and Nicole’s corpses
(too soon ?)
OJ:
Can I have your tee off time (while I still have time and before I re-do my hair)?
Phil Spector
Where’s the “I can do this all day” tag?
So the cops haven’t exactly been there for OJ recently. There’s always NOISB.
Dear Juice,
How’s it going, buddy? We still good for our 4AM tee time?
-Don Ohlmeyer
Dear Mr. O.J.,
Thanks for divurting the nayshun’s attenshun from the war in Irack.
Sinnceerley,
George W. Bush, Eskiwre
OJ,
Hang in there, buddy. We’ll get you out of this one, too.
-Johnnie Cochran
/seance
Robert Kardashian is dead…not that anyone cares.
Deer Joose,
Hav u cen mi flip-flops?
-Kato
Dear Juice,
Uhhhhhhhhhhhngh.
-Marlee Matlin
you know who this is dammit!
Kramer?
Dear O.J.,
I’ve got the ite-way onco-bray, meet at the usual place?
you know who this is dammit!
Dear Juice,
I want you to fuck me in an uncomfortable place.
What, like the back of a Volkswagen?
Dear Juice,
Should we just have hate sex and get it over with?
-Denise B.
Dear Juice,
Thanks for taking a break from looking for me.
Signed,
The Real Killer
Dear Juice,
I can finally afford the next round of lifts and tucks! Thanks!
Love,
Greta Van Sustern