The final tally is in from our KsK Kares Charity Drive:

The total donations raised for Fisher House: $1,565. It just goes to prove: KSK is here for the children. We’re not just here for the dick jokes, people. We’re here to give back to the community, and then to brag about just how much we gave back in order to justify being total fucking dicks. I feel great!

39 of you donated, which averages out to about $40 a donation. Jesus, you people are loaded. Why can’t you give ME any of that money? Huggies are never discounted at Giant, god dammit. Everyday low prices, my ass.

So take pride, you charitable souls, and spend this weekend celebrating yourselves. Drink 1,565 beers. Eat 1,565 flautas. Beat up 1,565 Patriot fans. Write a 1,565-word epic poem about yourself in the original Latin (mine is called The Drewterralogue). Spend 1,565 seconds giving your loved one oral pleasure. Dial 1-565-156-5156 and harass whoever’s on the other end. Refresh your NFL GameCenter 1,565 times. Spend $15.65 in takeout money. You could get three chicken finger subs instead of just one, fatty! Call your mother and give her a 1,565-word diatribe about how she doesn’t appreciate you enough.

$1,565. Nicely done, people. Here’s a cheerleader in lingerie. You should tell her about just how giving you are. Maybe she’ll acknowledge you presence for longer than 1.565 seconds.

QUICK PROGRAMMING NOTE: I’ll be on WCCO Radio in Minneapolis this evening at 10:10 Central Time. You can listen here. if you so choose. I will not be sober.

UPDATE: Oops. Interview postponed to Monday.

Let’s hear who you got in the game of the week in the comments. Drew doesn’t know yet that Greg Oden is out for the season, so feel free to toss that little nugget of info in there.

Welcome back to another week of your NFL gambling guide, Always Be Covering. Those of you who take this feature to heart probably recall that I went a combined 0-4 in last week’s picks. Readers sometimes forget that this is a humor site that leans heavily on satire, sarcasm, and dick jokes. Even my closest friends and family members have given me shit for making crappy picks. Granted, they may not be as savvy as our diehard fanbase (the emotionally stunted masses) but I assumed they knew better then to take this post seriously.

Well now they can, this week I’m going for gold. I have personally placed each one of these wagers prior to post time.

Note: For my regularly scheduled and relatively serious gambling tips remember to check out Gambling on the Amateurs over at Deadspin.

Alright people, this isn’t Rio fucking Rancho we’re working with today, these are the real deal, these are the Glengarry leads.

The “Fuck or Walk” Game of the Week
This is the big bet of the week. If I’m picking one game and I’m looking to double my pretzel monies this is the one I’d fuck with.

Risk 55 to win 52

Cincinnati -7 (-105) at Cleveland
Dear Bookmakers,

Sincerely,
The Maj

The Dave Moss Bet of Desperation
This is pretty much the opposite of the above bet. Moss’ desperation was evident but if he had one more shot he wouldn’t have to dupe Shelley into stealing the Glengarry leads. Instead, he could just blow his bankroll on a toss-up prop bet.

Risk 25 to win 21

Under 4 Total Sacks on Monday Night Football (-120)
Washington lost Jon Jansen and like any young quarterback with a big arm Jason Campbell takes too many sacks. Of course all of that is irrelevant. The Redskins are going to run the ball forty times and everybody knows their defense’s weakness is the pass rush. Couple that with the fact that they’ve never been able to touch McNabb and you’ve got yourself a winner (but a push is just as likely).

The Ricky Roma Special
I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion… If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way… -Ricky Roma

Risk 50 to win 50

Seattle -3 (EVEN) at Arizona
The Seahawks paying even money but Arizona is +3 at -120 (meaning you have to risk 120 to win 100) because the Buzzsaw looked soooo good on Monday. San Fran’s defense is a bit better with Patrick Wills and Nate Clements. So now they’re loose like Lindsay Lohan as opposed to being loose like Paris Hilton. Seattle’s just a bit more fresh, like Hayden Panettiere.

Shelley “The Machine” Levene’s Gotta Have It Teaser
Poor ol’ Shelley needs that one big score but he doesn’t have the balls to play things straight up. Note: All lines have been “teased” by six points (pays 9/5).

Risk 30 to win 54

St. Louis +3 vs. San Fransicso
Even without Orlando Pace there’s no chance they drop this one at home. Besides, San Francisco doesn’t have an edge rusher that can exploit his absence. But most importantly, Frank Gore looks like a sniveling little bitch next to the awesomeness of Stephen Jackson.

Oakland +16 at Denver
In two meetings last year Denver scored a combined 30 points. They didn’t win by more than ten in either game and Oakland’s defense looks just as strong this year. Ronald Curry is easily the best wide receiver/point guard in the NFL while Rob Ryan is the league’s premier defensive coordinator/sex symbol. That guy makes the ladies wetter than your mom when Ufford’s in the room.

Chicago -6.5 vs. Kansas City
I know I mentioned this last year, but it bears repeating. When in doubt, bet against any team coached by Herm Edwards. The Sex Cannon could win this game with his left hand while gripping the Lil’ Cannon with his throwing hand.

The Just For the Fuck of It Texas Southeastern Road Trip Parlay Super Bonus!
Risk 29 to win 75

Houston +7 at Carolina
aka Underrated +7 at Overrated. Yeah, I’m getting that tingly feeling too!

Dallas -4 at Miami
The Redskins played like crap and they still beat Miami by a field goal. They could play this game in thongs on the beach and I’d take those Cowboy fuckers. Besides, Trent Green would probably pull a Robert Edwards the second foot touched sand.

This post is for entertainment purposes only. Payouts may not be exact and lines are subject to change.

Bob Glauber is reporting that Bill Belichick has been fined $500,000 and the Patriots will lose a first-round pick in the 2008 draft. It could be only a second or and third-round pick if the Pats miss the playoffs. Fat chance of that, as the Patriots will now play pissed off for the rest of the season. A suspension would have been nice, but still– it couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

Generally, I eschew blogfrica’s national pastime of Simmons-bashing. It’s not exactly fresh and, frankly, others can do it much funnier and succinctly than I could, if I were so inclined. And while we know through credible sources Simmons detests KSK, we still have a soft-spot for the big lug (except Drew, he really fucking hates him).

Four or five years ago, I used to manipulate the URLs on Page2 so I could read Simmons’ columns a couple hours before they were posted on Page2′s front page. Today if I am cruising by ESPN.com and see a link on the front page to a non-Celtics, non-Red Sox Simmons post, I might click on it. I don’t see my declining patronage as an indictment of the product he puts out, rather just a progression of my own personal tastes. For instance, I also used to like Faces of Death movies, Boone’s Farm and Anthrax (okay, I still like Anthrax).

After initially evoking the Duke rape case to protect Belicheat, yesterday Simmons and FootballOutsider‘s Aaron Schatz were engaging in some give and take about the situation. Schatz was ably abetting Simmons’ attempts to marginalize the Patriots’ elaborate system of fraud and deception by bringing up other instances of chicanery. Then Schatz dropped this bomb:

Remember when Jim Haslett admitted to using steroids when he was playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers during their dynasty years of the ’70s?

Ooh, yeah! In your face Haslett, 1970′s Steelers and everyone else not riding Belichick’s scrotum!!! There’s just a minor problem, Haslett never played for the Steelers. Actually, Haslett recently accused the Steel Curtain-era Steelers of using steroids and then later apologized.

It’s easy for someone to get confused and misstate the facts like Schatz did– so we can give him a pass, once he clarifies his position. But where are the ESPN editors on this one? ESPN even linked the correct story in the Simmons article, but the slovenly (or perhaps just incompetent) editors just let this completely erroneous statement stand. Hell, it’s still up there now as far as we know.

More editorial incompetence: in an otherwise well-written piece on Priest Holmes, the Elizabeth Merrill claims that Holmes was “snubbed by 32 teams” on draft day. There weren’t 32 teams in the league until well after Holmes began his pro career. Little things like this, as well as bigger things like Haslett and the “Vick scoop” can make ESPN look like a bunch of hacks.

Here’s some gratuitous advice to the World Wide (Mis)Leader: go down to the local methadone clinic or half-way house and pick up a few new editors. Leave half-assed fact checking and wildly inaccurate, if not outright false, statements to amateurs like us.

[HT: to eagle-eyed KSK reader Bill S. (heh heh). UPDATE: Also thanks to commenter Jeff for pointing out that Haslett did cop to dabbling in steroids. I'll blame my mistake on some past dabblings of my own. Thankfully our commenters are more vigilant than ESPN's editors.]

Having sufficiently honored our bestingraychested Memorial Meast Steve Irwin, we’re re-naming KSK’s most prestigious honor after Kevin Everett, who we think is a total fucking badass for shattering his neck vertebrae and then having the constitution to not be totally paralyzed. We’ll be rooting for you all year, Kevin (plus well into the future after that).

You’d think that because we’ve re-named the award the Kevin Everett Meast of the Week, we’d adopt a more politically correct stance with regards to cheering for injuries. Absa-fuckin-lootly NOT. Are you kidding? Cheering for injuries is part of the fan experience. Listen, we ALL feel badly about Kevin Everett. Nobody wanted him to get hurt. But his injury shouldn’t necessitate us feeling guilty about our schadenfreude about other players’ injuries.

Take Big Daddy Drew (PLEASE! -ed.), a former Tiki Barber fantasy owner. He has long cheered for Brandon Jacobs to get a knee injury. Actually, that’s not true: he’s wished for much, much worse. Well, last weekend that vulture finally got his comeuppance. And again, it’s really too bad about Kevin Everett, but that fucker Jacobs had it coming. We can’t let every somber event get in the way of every long-fantasized fantasy football injury.

So, let’s go ahead and re-open the gates on cheering for injuries. From here on out for the rest of the season, go ahead and insert this standard preface into every I-hope-Player-X-gets-injured joke: “The horrible event of Kevin Everett’s injury notwithstanding…”

To warm you up, please practice by putting that statement in front of the following bits of evil that we jokingly (but not really) wish would happen.

…I can’t wait until Trent Green gets another concussion.
…if Derek Anderson breaks something, really: Who cares?
…I’d love it if everyone packed into Heinz Field for a Steelers game contracted ebola. Except Steely McBeam.
…I have Michael Turner on my fantasy team, and it would really help me out if LaDainian Tomlinson got hit by a car. Or a bus. Or a train covered in cobras.
…I wish people who take the time to write emails of complaint to bloggers would all die in a government-sponsored fire.
…Terrell Owens is way overdue for karmically-triggered season-ending injuries.
…I hope Green Bay fans who are still fervently devoted to Brett Favre choke on a big silver platter of steaming cock. Your lives are small, meaningless, and not worth prolonging. Do your part to save humanity and kill yourselves.

That’s the spirit!

This week’s Meast is Randy Moss. He was thrown to nine times for nine catches and 183 yards, including the 51-yard touchdown catch to where he outraced — ho-hum — triple coverage.

As with most Measts, though, it’s not the numbers we’re impressed by, but the meastiness. Moss provided a true statement game, and that statement was, “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck you. I’m out!” Simply put, Randy Moss’s performance was neck-breakingly impressive.

(Oh, fuck off. The Everett preface is supposed to be automatic.)

FOXBORO, Mass. — New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick today defended his controversial warrantless wiretapping program in a combative press conference, calling the practice “an essential tool in the war on other teams.”

“Those who would criticize this program simply fail to understand the state of the league as it exists today,” Belichick said, following six minutes of inscrutable mumbling. “There are teams out there that hate our way of life, our way of winning and are bent on defeating us. We must take any and all measures to avoid that outcome.”

Privacy experts and league officials have decried the practice as an unlawful invasion of personal rights. New York Jets rookie cornerback Darrelle Revis said, “This is a disgusting, unconstitutional act that borders on the Orwellian.” He then added, “Fuck.”

Yesterday, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell determined that Belichick violated league policy when he authorized the FBI to tap the phones of the coaches of the other 31 NFL teams, as well as a few married women he was creeping with. The league also found he had installed a computer chip inside the brain of Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning that causes him to see visions of M.C. Escher drawings.

Goodell said the Patriots could be fined multiple draft picks, likely a total cop-out with all the picks coming in the second day of the draft, as well as docking Patriots quarterback Tom Brady one weekly media suck-off. The Patriots immediately appealed the ruling and Brady pumped his fist menacingly in the direction of Goodell.

“The last thing this league needs is an activist commissioner trying to legislate from his cushy Manhattan office,” Belichick bristled. “If we are to maintain stability in this sport, it is imperative that the New England Patriots maintain its status as the lone power atop the NFL. If not, upstart teams like the Jets could plunge the league into chaos and we could find ourselves in a world where we wouldn’t know who would win the Super Bowl before the season even started.”

Photoshop courtesy Dan. V.

Wade: Let’s take a look at the stat sheet from Sunday night. Not a bad game for ol’ Wade. See that, pa? 45 daggum points. That’s a pretty good amount.

Wait a second.

Uh oh.

Oh, shit. Romo scored 5 TD’s. Oh, this is not good. Not good at all. That’s a really bad precedent to set. Really bad. I better call someone in the media and see if they can fudge these totals.

(Enter Jones)

Jones: WAAAAAAAAAAAAA HOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Wade: Oh, prairie shit.

Jones: Did you see that?! Have you seen the stat sheet, Tubby? My boy ROMO scored 5 fucking touchdowns! Five! That’s one, two, three, four… FIVEGODDAMNTOUCHDOWNS!!!! YEE HAWWWWW!!!! Boy I tell ya, he treated those Giants like my ancestors treated the entire Sioux nation! Those fuckers ain’t nothin’ but ground up pemmican now!

(fires guns into the air)

Wade: Mr. Jones, I think we shouldn’t get too far ahead of ourselves. That young man had a fine game, but there are some things I think he still he needs to improve upon.

Jones: Oh, you bet he can improve! In fact, I’m counting on YOU to make my boy Romo a goddamn American hero! Picture it, Fatty: 10 TD’s in a single game! In a single half!

Wade: I didn’t mean it quite like that, sir.

Jones: Listen, Lardass. I got big plans for my boy Romo, and I don’t want you fucking them up. This kid’s better than Aikman. He’s mobile, he appeals to my crucial Mexican growth demographic, AND he’s heterosexual!

Wade: Troy Aikman is married, sir.

Jones: Pfft! That’s the biggest sign, you big dumb tub o’ goo!

Wade: What?!

Jones: I want my boy Romo to be up there with the Peyton Manning. Why should my quarterback have to cede the limelight to some pasty hick from Louisiana? My Daddy said the only good thing to come out of Louisiana was Creole voodoo prostitutes! And fuck it if he wuddn’t right! YEEEEEHAWWWWW!!!!!

Wade: Sir, it’s a very long season. He’s still learning, and he’s going to have his ups and downs.

Jones: Oh screw that, you big hungry, hungry hippo! My boy Romo is a STAR! That’s why I want you to make sure he knocks up that little country singer of his.

Wade: Knock her up?

Jones: Damn right! If Tom Brady can knock a starlet up, I want my boy to give that girl Underwood some wood under! In fact, I want twins!

Wade: How do I do that?

Jones: I dunno. Draw up a goddamn scheme, you big fat pig! Make it happen! Now give me a piggyback ride!

Wade: Please, sir…

Jones: PIGGYBACK RIDE, TITBOY!!!!!!!

(hops on Wade’s back, slaps him on the ass)

Wade: This sucks.

Jones: GIDDDDDDYAP! YAHOO! I AM FUCKING CRAZY!

-Ballerinas think Jon’s turnout is excellent.
-Jason Campbell forgets to lend Bionic Ankle to Jon Jansen
-They went thattaway!
-People never talk about the horrible injuries footsie can cause.
-This is God’s punishment for when offensive linemen hold hands in the huddle.
-Jon’s favorite new song? “Careless Whisper”. Indeed, guilty feet have no got no rhythm.
-Some people are born double-jointed. And some have double-jointedness thrust upon them.
-That ankle is clearly on loan from Linda Blair.
-He should have realized something was wrong when he spent the entire series walking in circles.
-You plant your right foot in, you plant your right foot out…

Ah, it’s a KSK Kollaborative Kaption Kontest! He’s not wearing his ankle leathers. I say he deserved it.

Washington Times photo via DC Sports Bog

You have to actually trade something in order to acquire Charlie Frye?

Jesus, Seneca Wallace, you must read defenses like Britney Spears reads TelePrompters.