Welcome back to another glorious season of Always Be Covering. Think of this as your source for the worst gambling advice you’ve heard since Krusty assured you that the Generals were due. In case you’re new here-or all of those bingers have destroyed your memory-I’ll let Blake give you a (re)introduction as to what we’re all about.
Now let’s build up these fucking bankrolls so we can make it rain on dem ho’s all season long (and contribute to Fisher House!)…
This is the big bet of the week. If I’m picking one game and a new condo’s down payment hangs in the balance, this is the one I’d fuck with.
Denver -3 at Buffalo
Normally I’d be banking on a 200 yard performance right out of the gate for Lee Evans, but Champ and ‘Dre don’t play that shit. As sickening as it may be, Denver is going to dominate teams this year (right up until the playoffs). I just hope Shanny doesn’t live to see it.
This is pretty much the opposite of the above bet. Moss was the most desperate man in an office that overflowed with pathetic despair. If he had one more shot he wouldn’t have to dupe Shelley into stealing the Glengarry leads, he’d just put everything he had on some toss-up prop bet.
Ahman Green OVER 78.5 yards rushing vs. Kansas City
Remember last year when Kansas City’s defense couldn’t tackle a dummy? Their big addition was Napoleon Harris and the last time I checked he was shittier than the bathrooms at Heinz Field. Ahman’s knees are fresh this time of year and even a few fumbles can’t hold him back.
I subscribe to the law of contrary public opinion… If everyone thinks one thing, then I say, bet the other way… -Ricky Roma
New York Jets +6.5 vs. New England
Eh, why the fuck not?
Poor ol’ Shelley needs that one big score but he doesn’t have the balls to play things straight up.
Note: All lines have been “teased” by six points (pays 3:1)
San Diego -.5 vs. Chicago
St. Louis +4.5 vs. Carolina
Philadelphia +3 at Green Bay
Minnesota +3 vs. Atlanta
Feel free to share your favorite picks in the comments. And remember, if you take my advice and lose it’s not because I was wrong, it’s because you’re a douchebag and this is fate’s way of shoving it right up your ass.
If can’t wait for Sunday be sure to check out my college picks over at Deadspin.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news & humor before everyone else.