Man, what a fuckin’ hole.

It’s not even the good kind of hole, where the city is so shitty it actually derives some modicum of endearing personality. Cleveland, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Oakland — hell, even Jacksonville – all those cities at least haz a flavr. That flavor may be terrifyingly violent, or repulsively redneck, or that of dystopian ape-people. But hell, at least it’s something. St. Louis is basically the same city as Indianapolis, but at least it has that Arch and a river.

Nor is it even the most interesting city in its own state. Gary’s got enough ugliness and hopelessness to land it a team in the AFC North. South Bend is a better town for sports. French Lick has more of a claim to sports history (and a way cooler name to boot.)

No, Indianapolis commits the worst sin of all: it’s fucking dull. “Scrubs” dull? Morrissey dull? Worse: west of Diwaniyah dull. By which I mean:

During the invasion of Iraq in 2003, after my unit bypassed Nasiriyah (lucky us), we stopped short of Diwaniyah — the next sizable city on the map — for what the generals called an “operational pause.” We parked just off the side of the road bisecting endless Iraqi fields and just sat there. Presumably, other units elsewhere were doing things. Not us. Every morning before dawn, we’d get up and prepare for “stand-to,” in which we got into fighting positions just in case the nonexistent enemy attacked at sunrise. Then we’d make coffee. After coffee, we’d smoke cigarettes and swat at swarming insects for the next twelve hours or so. Maybe eat an MRE, not that we wanted to eat. We got no mail. Nobody owned an iPod or a DVD player. Any magazines we had we’d already read. “Stand-to” again at dusk, two hours of uneventful watch sometime in the middle of the night, then do that again the next day.

We did that for ten days, and never in my life have I more wanted to get attacked by Islamic fundamentalists, just so I wouldn’t be bored.

My point? I’d rather live those ten days again than spend another hour here.

Suck it, Indianapolis.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.