I ran into Drew (pictured) at Petsmart yesterday and he asked me to write a piece trashing Simmons’ fantasy picks that appeared in his August 31st essay on Page 2. I suspect that he did this for three reasons.

First of all, Drew probably knew that another anti-Simmons piece would be demolished in the comments by the unwashed masses, whether or not he actually wrote the piece himself (Hence, suggestions of “Somebody should do something on,” is almost code for “I’d like to see this, but I don’t feel like writing it”) Personally, I welcome the chance to piss other people off; this is a valuable skill in multiple facets of life, and I treat every opportunity to hone it as a gift from the Lord. I really haven’t read Simmons in some time, though I had heard about the list from other people, and the couple “WTF” names that made it that, really, every FF list should have.

Secondly, it’s my opinion that Drew actually respects my fantasy advice, despite his finishing well ahead of me in last year’s FFLXDSP (where he finished with the second-highest point total, and yet could only amass an 8-7 record. What can I say; everything that asshole does is funny).

But most importantly, I wrote it because, well, Bill-bashing is fun. We’re totally gay for him, and by that, I mean that he annoys the shit out of us. Plus, we could say something as benign as “Simmons has questionable taste in cargo shorts.” all the dipshit New Englanders flock to our site give us lots of comments! It’s like dangling a ball of yarn, but it works on people! But it also gives me another day to put off the rest of my team previews (CHI, GB, DET). Wicked, or something!

I hadn’t read the thing before starting my own dissemination and cracking open my third can of Yuengling, so I really had no idea what was in here, so let’s quit with the dilly-dally and delve, shall we?

Of course, he has to open with some facet of his personal life that nobody cares about. And then he gets a tiny dig in on Matthew Berry.

Because we need a dissenting opinion to combat the side effects of MBFO (Matt Berry Fantasy Overload). Just know that Berry and I…

We know, we know, it’s all about you. Hey, you outpicked The Expert on one player. Don’t trip over your own dick or anything. I don’t know what he has against Berry. The guy was great on Friends.

In all actuality (5 syllables), this smells like a plug, disguised as a dig, in order to pimp the recent rotisserie royalty that is the MulBerry, as the new HRIC (Head Red-Head In Charge) at the Worldwide Leader. Mr. Berry, Rachael Nichols would like to see you in her cube.

But back to Simmons, I should be fair and say that Bill did show restraint and didn’t mention the Celtics a single time in the intro. I’m sure that probably took a few hours off his life. Actually, I’m not sure, because I have no medical training at all.

I have an inkling.

Yes.

Oh, there’s a JD Drew joke that I didn’t even see there. That Bill, he is something.

Onto the Top 50…without further ado, indeed.

Bill’s first three I don’t have a big issue with:

1. Tomlinson
2. Steven Jackson
3. Alexander

Look, I understand that people fall in love with Alexander and they’re afraid to drop him too far because of that strong finish he had, especially that 201-yard game he had in Week 12 against Green Bay, plus back-to-back 100 yard games against teams whose playoff fates were already determined. Does the hope for his return to prominence outweigh the upside of Gore, or even Addai? I say no.

Aside: Goddamn, Yuengling is some good shit. I don’t care if it is in cans. I’d drink it out of a bottle and it would still be alright.

And I should have brought this up earlier, but who writes a fucking fantasy column six days before the season starts? Haven’t all of us had, like, six drafts at that point? I was interviewed to be an intern for the Calgary Stampeders, I’ve been drafting so much this summer. Yeah, that wasn’t funny. Fuck you, anyway.

4. Addai
5. Frank Gore

Dropped him two spots because of the broken right hand.

Respectfully disagree. Gore is gonna be tits.

6. Larry Johnson.

Johnson scares me, like an ’86 Cutlass would scare me on a cross-country trip. But yeah, you can’t justify dropping him any farther than this.

7. Peyton Manning

Whoa whoa whoa. Is this one of those 10-pt TD pass leagues?

My logic: The gap between Manning and the sixth-best QB in the league is much more significant than the gap between Westbrook/Parker and whatever RB you’d get in the second round…Why risk pinning your fantasy hopes on the likes of Jon Kitna?

Yeah, Kitna would be absolutely worthless…if you were in a Fantasy Who’s Now tournament. Kitna is about five points a game worse than Manning, but he’s also about six rounds cheaper to boot. And you won’t have to sacrifice the depth of your team to get him.

8. Westbrook
9. Willie
10. Willis
11. Reggie Bush

Yeah, Reggie’s the man. I mean, aside from not finishing in the Top 20 in all-purpose yards OR touchdowns last season, he’s TOTALLY worth a first-round pick. Six-one-nine, yo!

The problem with Reggie Bush is that somebody, in EVERY LEAGUE, grabs him in the first round (or early second). You’ll never get him for value. For this reason, among others, I left Reggie Bush off my board for the second straight year. The reality is that he’s certainly worth a late 2/early 3, but he never makes it that far.

12. Cedric Benson

Is LA in some alternate universe where Rudi Johnson doesn’t exist? Helloooo?

13. Marvin Harrison

The best WR for sure, but still too many good RBs on the board to go here now.

14. Marshawn Lynch

If we’ve learned anything about fantasy football over the years, it’s this: Every season, without fail, one rookie RB puts up a ton of fantasy points.

Overvalued, by Simmons’ own admission, failing to mention that when drafting rookie RBs, you’re really drafting 2/3 of a season after burnout. And how anyone would throw darts at Lynch with Adrian Peterson still on the board? Purple Jesus is scorned.

15. Travis Henry
16. Maurice Jones-Drew

I think Maurice is a solid first-rounder. Thirteen TDs in 2006 makes the splitting-time argument moot.

17. Carson Palmer
18. Rudi Johnson

No love for the Bengals. I mean, all Palmer did was throw for 4,000 yards on a fresh pig tendon while Rudi ran for (yawn) 1,300+ yards and 12 TDs for the 3rd straight year. Splitting carries with Kenny Watson, my Evangelical ass. Rudi was fourth in carries last season.

19. Maroney
20. Edge

Edge probably will last this long. Maroney won’t.

21. Tom Brady
22. McNabb
23. Brees
24. Larry Fitzgerald

If you really want a quarterback whose name your mother will recognize, then, by all means…Oh, look! Another dig on Kitna. Outstanding.

And for fuck’s sake, McNabb’s Yahoo ADP is 41.5. He should never be this high on anyone’s board.

25a. T.J. Houshmanzadeh
25b. Chad Johnson


It’s unclear why everyone ranks Johnson over Housh when Housh had better stats last season, and Housh’s efficiency as a receiver was one of the highest in football.

It’s unclear why anyone would waste my time telling me why Player A is o so much better than Player B…and then RANK THEM EXACTLY THE SAME. What a fucking copout. If there was a theme to this draft, it would be “Screw the Bengals.” But instead of “Screw,” it would be “Fuck.” ‘Cause that’s dirtier, see? And speaking of stats:

C. Johnson: 1370 REC YDS, 7 TDs
Houshmandzadeh: 1081 REC YDS, 9 TDS

Better stats? Chad’s 189 receiving yards over TJ would more than make up for the two fewer touchdowns he scored in most leagues. Oh, but TJ had better stats…somehow

I will go out on a limb from the crazy tree and guess that Chad is ranked higher because, oh, I don’t know, he’s the No. 1 receiver in that offense. The better arguement would have been that TJ is more consistent (which he is), not that he’s more efficient.

The sum totals of last year are pretty much a wash, but as far as this year goes, make a fucking decision already.

27. Reggie Wayne
28. Steve Smith
29. Torry Holt
30. Javon Walker

After what happened in the offseason, it’s safe to say Mr. Walker will be sufficiently inspired this season.

Yes, the Dead People Close To Me Inspirational Correllary. But what does that have to do with Len Bias?

31. Thomas Jones

32. Lee Evans

Seems a little early, but screw it.

I knew there was a theme…

33a. Marion Barber
33b. Deuce McAllister

Deuce has more job security and a better track record; he should clearly be ahead here.

35. Marques Colston

Everyone seems lukewarm on him this year. I don’t get it. What’s not to like? He’s clearly their No. 1 guy now.

I agree.

36. Antonio Gates

A hard one for me because he killed both of my fantasy teams last season and I kinda sorta hate him for it.

Gates is usually gone by now, but this is where you would get him for value…if you could. Gates is usually absent from my board as well, as he is consistently overvalued.

37. Andre Johnson
38. Terrell Owens

Just know that he’ll never be on my team. I can’t root for him. It’s not in me. When TO does something good, I don’t want to feel happy.

I have 25 million reasons to hate this asshole.

39. Donald Driver
40. Clinton Portis
41. Marc Bulger

If Westbrook is the Reuben, and Driver is the grilled ham and cheese, then Bulger is like an onion bagel that’s toasted and covered in butter — good enough to tide you over until dinner, tasty if you’re in the right mood, but that’s about it.

42. Vince Young

Good point here about VY’s stats, but never mind that RBs, who Simmons can’t value for shit, are decent rushers, too. Plus, that’s, like, their job and stuff.

43. Adrian Peterson

Good place to get him unless AJ Daulerio is in your league.

44. Philip Rivers
45. Ronnie Brown
46. Brandon Jacobs

This guy is the fat chick that’s laying in your bed the morning after you draft. Forty-seven is about right for him, though.

47. Roy Williams
48. Matt Hasselbeck

Hasselbeck and a slew of other serviceable QBs are waiting for you in Rounds 5 and 6. Tell them to meet you there, and don’t call beforehand.

49. Anquan Boldin

Yeah, right. He’s gone WAY before here.

50. Ahman Green

If this was your sheet, congratulations, you just picked up your first running back.

And there are some sleepers, but whatever. If this sheet was on notebook paper, we would have torn the little blue lines off of it. We rule.

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