As I’ve detailed in the recent past, my father’s 49ers fandom has been the cause of considerable turmoil in the House of Ape, particularly father dearest’s insistence on belaboring the Niners spotless Super Bowl record. This week’s contest of the week could fleetingly put the battle to rest, at least for the remainder of this year, as 2-0 San Francisco travels to 2-0 Pittsburgh. It’s on like Donkey Kong, you old fuck.

Contestants

A(pe)A(pe)RP________________________Christmas Ape

Age

59____________________________25

Height

6′ 2″___________________________6’1″

Weight

205 lbs________________________180 lbs.

Notable accomplishments

Vietnam War veteran, father of Christmas Ape ____ Pinewood Derby runner-up

Listens to

Rod Stewart, Nat King Cole ____________Mos Def, Charles Mingus, White Stripes

Favored insult

“commie pervert”_________________“pussy basket”

Significant factoid

Fucks Xmas Ape’s mom _______________Pees in his dad’s strained carrots

Finishing move

Going to bed before 8 p.m._________________Going to bed alone on a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.