Marvin Lewis: Goddamit Deltha O’Neal! What is this I hear about your Rott attacking a woman and her daughter?
O’Neal: They was asking for it. Literally, they said “please, doggie, bite us viciously in our ass and legs,” at least that’s what the canine psychic said Dogtha O’Kee-ill said they said to him. Anyway, I wasn’t even arrested, coach.
Lewis: It don’t matter. I don’t need any headlines like this. The more these things crop up, the more heat I get. Mike Brown has already made it apparent that he’s cool with me missing the playoffs, so long as I don’t need to have anymore sit-downs with the Rog about player discipline. So we’re spending the rest of the week learning about comportment and etiquette. We’re off to the Skyline School for Wayward Bengals.
O’Neal: But coach, we haven’t finished preparing for the Browns.
Lewis: You let me worry about that. I’m not getting shitcanned on account of your antics.
Lewis: Okay, I want you guys to have a well-mannered, professional game out there. I want you to stay the fuck away from that Jamal Lewis guy. He’s gonna steer you wrong, get you into that bad shit. Under no circumstances are you to interact with him.
Michael Myers: Aren’t we gonna need to tackle him though?
Lewis: The fuck I just stay? Keep away from the muthafucka.
/Jamal Lewis runs for a 43-yard touchdown.
Caleb Miller: Coach! I was gonna tackle Jamal, but he was trying to offer me a good price on an ounce of rock, so I let him go right on by.
Lewis: You did the right thing. That’s some fine work, son.
/Braylon Edwards catches a 60-yard touchdown pass.
Leon Hall: Coach, man, dawg, we gotta do something. We’re gonna lose to the goddamn Browns. You know embarassing this is?
Lewis: Don’t try to lecture me on defense. I was a defensive coach for the Steelers, Ravens and Redskins when they all had top-ranked units. Didn’t you go to Michigan? You should know about embarassing losses. App State, right?
Hall: Uh, that was this year’s team. I entered the draft following last season.
Lewis: Well, Detroit’s in Michigan, right? Still the murder capital of the country, isn’t it? But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you, Leon?
Hall: But there are hundreds of unsolved murders in Detroit!
Lewis: You just don’t know when to keep your mouth shut, do you, Leon Hall?
/Kellen Winslow scores on a 73-yard pass and doesn’t even bother to run half the way.
Defensive coordinator Chuck Bresnahan: Marvin, I don’t know about this idea to let at-risk youth design our defensive schemes.
Lewis: And why the fuck not? We need something to burnish our image with the community.
Bresnahan: Well, for starters, on this first play, we got one defensive lineman lined up, eight people covering Joe Jurevicius and two guys selling bootleg CDs on the 30-yard line.
Lewis: They got the new Talib?
Forget it. Just follow the kid’s plays, would ya?
/Derek Anderson throws another eight TDs.
Lewis: Contract extension, here I come.
I want more like this!
Follow Kissing Suzy Kolber on Facebook and get the latest NFL news and humor before everyone else.