Hello, there. Gentlemen. Ladies. Children, to whom I am more or less indifferent. I’m Rex Grossman. Also, known as The Sex Cannon Known As Rex Grossman. As you know, I play quarterback for the Chicago Bears. And, if I do say so myself, I look pretty fucking hot doing it.

Let me explain something to you Rexettes out there. I don’t wear an athletic supporter out there. I don’t. Too constrictive. My cock does not like being reigned in, and I am not one to go against the wishes of Dr. Death And His Satchel (that’s my nickname for the entire three-piece set). So, before every game, I put on a football belt with the hip pads laced through. Nothing else. Then, I walk in front of a full-length mirror and masturbate to myself masturbating. Then, and only then, do I put on my game pants. We wear white game pants at home. In HD, you can really see my enormous phalange about to burst out of the pant laces. God, it feels so fucking good. Excuse me for a moment.

/finds a woman, nails her

Much better. Anyway, I’m here to ask for your support. Lots of people (strictly men, I assure you) in the Chicago area have recently taken to criticizing me in public. I don’t really know what I did to deserve this. I took you people to a Super Bowl last year. And, thanks to me, Cook County experienced a record number of childbirths in the past year. That’s fucking production. If you don’t like it, fuck you in the nostril.

So what if I fumble a snap or two? Wouldn’t you? I gotta put my hands on Olin Kreutz’ kreutzpie every goddamn play. Yuck. It just feels faggity and wrong. I’ve told coach Smith on many occasions that the Cumslinger works only from the shotgun. But he doesn’t listen, man!

So I’m asking for your help. Are you a Bears a fan? Do you have season tickets? Are you attending a Bears game anywhere this year? Then I want to see a visible sign that you are a member of my Sexy Army. Bring signs. Hold them up. Make sure they say shit like:

-SEX CANNON
-REX IS THROWING IT DOWNFIELD
-DUMPOFF PASSES ARE FOR H—S
-REX UNLEASHES THE DRAGON
-SEXY REXY HAS THE DRAGON.
-REX IS IN THE SEXY BUSINESS.

Or get creative. I don’t care. I’m not a writer. I’m a fucker. Take pictures of your signage in the lot or at the stadium and send them to the lazy douches here at KSK. You’ll get your pics posted and you’ll get a free Sex Cannon t-shirt, a $2.50 value. If you manage to get your sign on live television, you’ll get two free t-shirts and a free fingerbanging, courtesy of yours truly.

You have your marching orders. Let’s light this candle.

This week, we’re holding the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House, which supports disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.